How to handle the fallout

2020-03-21T18:03:21+00:00

No one cares two shits about another’s divorce. It’s great gossip for 5 minutes and then everyone gets on with their lives. Everyone knows that each spouse will spin their own narrative. No one cares, I promise. Do you care about your next door neighbor’s divorce? See, no one cares.

akihonj · 2020-03-21T16:42:12+00:00

Then leave, like you said your the asshole either way, but I bet there is going to be more willing to listen to why you left than her side.

As the old saying goes, nobody leaves a happy marriage.

ChiefWarBear · 2020-03-21T17:54:28+00:00

There is nothing you can do but leave the toxic situation. Anyone who believes her were never truly your friend to begin with. I waited until my wife asked for the seperation and for me to move out and she still somehow spun it like I was the bad guy. I'm happy to say over a year later that it doesn't matter and I'm still better off being out of that relationship. I often say now that divorce weeds out your fake friends. It hurts but it's true.

CrazyBagpiper · 2020-03-21T17:10:30+00:00

I feel the same way. She forced my hand and had an affair but didn't want to end things. She even suggested we just live separately and stay married. She would emotionally abuse me too. That way when I filed it was me who was giving up on her and I was the one who wanted divorce. Now she can tell her family and friends that she tried hard but her husband wanted to divorce. It sucks.

Edit: I filed yesterday and I'm so happy the 60 day clock is ticking before the courts closed.

2020-03-21T20:16:47+00:00

Plan the divorce. Think ahead and get things in order.

Then leave. File first so you can control the narrative.

Navynuke00 · 2020-03-21T17:16:10+00:00

My closest friends and family knew what was going on beforehand, and had for quite a while- not just from hearing stories, but seeing how miserable I had been for a very long time, and not seeing my ex for quite a while beforehand. None of my close friends or family (except for my very religiously conservative parents) were surprised when I left, and most offered varying levels of support during that time, most of which was welcome. As for the ones that weren't? I just reduced contact with them to the bare required until they had finished taking sides.

People are going to believe what they're going to believe. All you can do is stand fast in your own truth, and accept that not everybody is going to fall on "your" side when it goes down. Best way to do it, if you know it's inevitable, is just to rip the band-aid off quickly and be done with it.

Best of luck going forward. It may suck for a little while, but it'll definitely get better.

Runningoutofbacon · 2020-03-21T22:52:24+00:00

Don't worry about what anyone thinks, she is going to talk shit about you - people will either know better or they won't. Losing all hope is freedom - so stop hoping people won't think bad things about you. Truth is that most people are in relationships on there edge of collapse, but you don't notice because you are too busy thinking about your own life.

DogFashion · 2020-03-21T18:53:28+00:00

People are always going to make up their own minds, but you have to ask yourself, "is what they think of the situation more important than my own sanity and peace?" It is not.

Your post reads much like my own situation. I begged my wife to leave the house. She wouldn't budge. She demanded we do the required 365 day separation (we have a child, so it isn't 180). I moved out. I found an apartment, moved out while she was at work to avoid any confrontation, and I'm the cowardly asshole. And bipolar. And a narcissist. And a gaslighter. Etc., etc. I've read texts, facebook messages, and have even heard word of mouth over the years.

She painted me as such an awful person but was devastated that I wouldn't stay... and never asked herself once why I had to leave. Onto the next.

pkashny · 2020-03-22T00:48:54+00:00

Damned if you do, Damned if you don't. She's telling everyone about it because she wants the sympathy and expects that'll be enough to keep the friends as part of the divorce. Alternately, she's hoping for a genius idea that someone will have to fix everything (which will never come). I chose to just let go of all pre-separation friends and made new ones. If my kids were on their own, I would've chosen to move to a different town and completely start over. While I could get the guys in a couple on my side, it's the women who would organize get-togethers. So it seemed futile for me to bother. YMMV

SkierDude19 · 2020-03-24T01:24:56+00:00

Be the asshole that kicks her out. There you go, done, your welcome!

Colexico1 · 2020-03-22T01:39:01+00:00

Other people are more understanding and accepting than you think. After you own your story by telling one person, it makes it easier to tell a second.

nonomomomo · 2020-03-21T16:48:11+00:00

Poot victims are the worst

Title	How to handle the fallout
Author	Tattoedheart111
Upvotes	13
Comments	12
Date	March 21, 2020 4:35 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/fmhpqn/how_to_handle_the_fallout/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-to-handle-the-fallout.818429 https://theredarchive.com/post/818429

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