It is what it is..

DrRigby · 2021-07-17T01:43:54+00:00

I’m in a similar boat too man. My wife and I were together for 6 years and have 2 girls (4/15 months) the entire marriage, I was the one working 50+ hours then coming home to cook and clean and make sure everything was ready for the next day. She spent almost all of her time looking for other women to date/hookup with. At first it was kinda fun. But after our oldest was born she stopped having any kind of real interest in me to any capacity. I was just someone to keep her life stable and provide for her while she indulged. While in the lawyers office to sign the divorce papers, she txt me that she was staying at an Airbnb with her new gf and the kids for a couple days. Cut to 2 weeks later when I haven’t seen my kids at all and she gets into a car accident in TN, her home state, on Father’s Day. That’s how I found out where my children were after 16 days of madness wondering if they were even alive. She finally needed help, money for plane tickets, so she reached out to beg. When she gets home I’m served with an order of protection saying that I can’t communicate with her or it could be considered harassment. I can’t live in my house because she could claim I assaulted her even if I was asleep on another floor and there’s nothing I can do about it. Here’s the best part. Even when her parents, as fucked as they are, we’re staying in my house to take care of the girls she is having a revolving door of girlfriends over to spend the night or leaves right after she’s home from work until 2am. Constantly making faces and laughing at the security cameras because she knows she’s hurting me by fooling around with other women all the time because I had told her it was hurting me when we were together and asked her to stop. I’m just now getting to a place where my girls can spend the nights with me, at my parents house where I’ve been staying since this started.

Sometimes no matter how hard you try to help your partner or how much you sacrifice it’s not going to make a difference to them. My ex and I met in our early 20s. I was 23 and she was 20. In my mind we would have grown up together and matured together but she never did. I knew she had a wild side and was hurt deeply before she had met me. But never thought she would treat me, the man who devoted his life to keeping her safe and loved, the way she is now. The hardest thing I have had to accept is that nobody can change her. I can’t make her a less spiteful or vicious person. Only she could have done that. And sometimes people are selfish enough to let that self involvement overtake their parental responsibilities and spiral into darkness.

Your children though, will always know that you ARE an amazing father who has always done everything he could to take the bast possible care of them. The see it now and will remember it when they are adults themselves. Numerous people have told me so far that their parents were in the same place. Mom went psycho and kept the kids from dad and now they have a stellar relationship with dad while mom is nowhere to be found. Your children live you and always will. Never forget this. They are what matters. No matter how hard things get, or how deeply you may miss her or how bad it hurts to see her, your girls are what matters. Their happiness and safety is what matters. You are what matters.

The only way to move forward is to focus on yourself and your girls. In time the pain will subside and you will come to terms with the fact that you did nothing wrong. You ARE the better parent and you did everything you could. Relationships take two people working together to be successful. If the other person gives up or decides the work isn’t worth it, that’s not on you.

Stay strong brother. You got this.

Crafty-Hovercraft788 · 2021-07-17T01:11:56+00:00

Go to therapy/counseling man. You’re lifting weights and working out. That’s awesome. I’m in a similar boat. I’ve got the kids full time. She sees them Friday nights. That’s it.

Get some guys you can vent to on the phone or at the gym or whatever. Don’t talk down about mom to your kids. She’ll always be their mom even if she’s not in their life a ton and will come to their own conclusions about what happened.

Some of the best advice my counselor gave me was “If you ask yourself a question, answer it”

“What if she blank?” “Well, I’ll probably this”

Even if the answer changes later or is “wrong” you can at least answer the question and not give it anymore brain space.

As far as the other stuff, pick that hobby back up. Or do a project around the house. Plan a hang with the boys when she eventually has the girls.

The things you didn’t do before because you were trying to not annoy your wife? Do them now.

My kids and I have been watching the mandolorian together. My wife HATES Star Wars. My kids are INTO it now. It’s our thing. Because it’s my thing.

One day at a time dude.

pegleg_legal · 2021-07-17T07:39:33+00:00

Proud of you, sir.

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2021-07-17T09:21:14+00:00

Therapy helped me a lot. I had a lot to talk about.

Runningoutofbacon · 2021-07-17T11:31:36+00:00

I'm nearly 2 years in. My ex cheated on me as well. We quickly agreed to split the kids 50/50. The best thing you can do for yourself and the kids is to be a good dad and realize that your relationship failed through no fault of yours or hers. The truth is that you were both married to the wrong person. She should've said something to you instead of cheating. That would be easier to move on from. Mid-life is that time we all start to wonder, 'is this it?".

Definitely never look at her social media and make a point of blocking or unfollow anyone who might post a picture of your ex. I was never big on social media before, so this wasn't a big adjustment for me.

All this aside, I still want to have limited face to face time with my ex. She still seems to want to create arguments out of thin air. I have asked her not to come into my house when she picks up the kids as a result of this. The last time, she said some passive aggressive comment about me not taking the kids enough places. I know I'm a good dad, but that cut deep because my kids are everything to me. I don't need such negativity in my life.

I think it's important for kids to see both parents. I'm not sure whether or not that makes sense in your case. I will say this... My ex had checked out of our family probably around 7 years before cheating. She was running away from me, not the kids. She was absent more often than not. It felt like I was raising the kids by myself then. She's a much better mother now that we aren't together. I hope your ex can see that your kids are what is important here. They need a good role model for a mother.

thefudmaster · 2021-07-17T13:25:25+00:00

Make sure you get full custody of your girls in the mean time.

derelictherds · 2021-07-19T02:50:09+00:00

I wouldn't sign off on 50/50 until she's capable(willing) to parent 50% of the time.

Title	It is what it is..
Author	Fucaduc38
Upvotes	18
Comments	14
Date	July 17, 2021 12:53 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/olu48s/it_is_what_it_is/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/it-is-what-it-is.816480 https://theredarchive.com/post/816480

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