Im not sure exactly how to start. I am just trying to understand who is the most culpable for where my marriage has found itself.

My wife and I have been together for 12 years married for less than 2. While we were in early dating stage first two years or so, I cheated. I was wrong and I know that. At the time I was young and not really sure what I wanted.

Over the years the topic of cheating has come up alot although it hasn’t happened since those early years. I understand that the pain of that does not just go away.

It doesnt help that my work takes me on the road alot. And my wife believes I take advantage of that by running around while im out of town. Reality is I just sit in my hotel and jerk off half the time.

From the other viewpoint my wife has made me feel so small over the years. The most obvious is a constant attack on my manhood (im not well endowed by any stretch) and saying why would anyone want to sleep with you? Sort of confusing i must say. She also constantly tells me im a shitty father, shitty husband and maybe I am. When i got into fitness she started to say things like im full of myself and i dont look good. Then when i tried playing video games it was “your a loser”. Pretty much every trauma or insecurity or weakness I have shared with her she has brought back in my face during arguments. During our time together she decided she would be a stay at home mom which i supported. I doubled down on my career to build a respectable income that would allow her and our kids to have access to life. Even there she tells me how in shitty at my job which is why i have to work so much.

In all this I still find myself only wanting to be with my wife. But we always fight and when we arent fighting she withholds sex. I have tried to introduce toys and other things to try and make it more pleasurable for her (and me as my biggest pleasure is seeing her being pleasured). I have bought her lingerie which she refuses to wear. Nothing too crazy just fancy panties and bra sets.

I have expressed all these things to her and how they make me feel and it is always my fault that she says these things or withholds from me.