Been separated/divorcing from a narcissist for the past 4 years. No kids, no real estate, no real assets. 150k to divorce and probably l15 years alimony. Cleaned out of course. Being extorted of course (they even called it “go away money”). Finally at a settlement agreement and the ends in sight. No contact with her directly.

Like many of you, I feel like I’ve made huge strides in many areas. Regained confidence, dating, quality of life, paid off years of bad decisions and debt, credit score is up 200 points, lessons in taking self-responsibility and self-care. Started meditating, being alone in the woods, only interacting with people and situations that are good for me. I even accept (for my sake, not hers) my part in our failed marriage.

But there’s still something. I don’t feel free from this court abuse. I fear no man or death on this earth. Yet for some reason, the court, the state and her will forever be this bogeyman that can jump out from behind a tree at any time, drag me back into this abuse, call me “in contempt” for living my life if I sneeze the wrong way.

Intellectually, I know I can bug out. Disappear if I needed to. I know how to survive on very little. I know millions of men have gone through this. But there’s just that sword over my head at all times and I’m not in control of who gets to cut the cord. I know it’s not rational. I know some would call it trauma or ptsd. But how do you let go? I can’t even target what it is I need to let go of? Forgive myself? Expectations of some perfect life? Forgive her? Forgive this insane culture?

Even with my intense self work, this still haunts me. Appreciate any tips.