I (M56) have been married (F48) for 22 years. We have currently been separated for 2 years. We share 2 children (M/F teens). We are both alcoholics and we kind of got there together. Started as social drinking and became an every night thing. We were both functional until about 7 years ago I become a full on dysfunctional alcoholic. I sought treatment/rehab and long story short, I finally got sober after about 5 thirty day stints in rehab over 4 years. During every single one of my trips to rehab my wife was extremely unsupportive. In fact she was angry with me and became a negative force in my recovery. At first I thought she had a right to be angry but looking back now I realize she was mad because I wanted to get sober and she and I wouldn’t be drinking together anymore. We were losing a part of us. But it had to be for me. I could no longer live the life of an unhealthy alcoholic. It’s actually hard work being a drunk.

To stay sober I had to draw a line to protect me from myself. I told my wife that I wouldn’t be moving back in if there was going to be alcohol in the house. She chose alcohol over me. So we kind of started fading away from each other. The only times we have seen each other over the last two years were when I see my kids, which is frequent. About 5 days a week.

She remained angry at me and began dating online. She went on at least three dates and the kids tell me she didn’t get home until after midnight. I assume she had sex though she denies it. She also began randomly sending me angry text messages calling me a selfish loser among other name calling. She was clearly wasted. This has happened countless times over the last year. After the kids begging her and eventually telling their grandma what was going on, she finally checked herself into rehab and has been there a week.

She filed for divorce over a year ago and we were recently moving forward quickly. We both have attorneys. We were in mediation to split the assets and pay the debts. I was already in acceptance of divorce. It was really hard to accept our marriage was ending considering it was absolute bliss the first 15 years.

She has been in rehab for a week and today she asked me if I would go back to marriage counseling (we have had 3 therapists so far and she has gotten angry and quit every time) She tells me she would get/stay sober.

The trouble is there is more wrong in the marriage than just the drinking. I feel we have grown apart. Or maybe we were only good together drunk? We met at work so we did spend time together sober in the beginning. I also can’t stand her messiness. It has always bothered me and either it’s gotten worse or I’m less tolerant. I can’t stand it, she always leaves the kitchen a mess. She leaves trash on the counters. And it’s not the kids. It’s her. And I’m sick of being the only one who cares or cleans up. We also have money issues. When we filed for divorce I learned she’s had run up $180,000 in mutual debt. And we have nothing to show for it. Mostly spent on extravagant vacations for the family. I’m an idiot for not paying more attention. Sure I enjoyed the trips but I had no idea we were doing it all on credit. There were other expenses too but they are almost all luxury spending such as nice dinners out, always ordering in, etc.

My question is am I foolish to think she will stay sober considering it took me 5 years to do it? She’s only beginning this process. And it can be a long road. And I’m not sure I want to risk my own sobriety to find out what she will do. Also, is there any hope I can change her messy ways? It wasn’t always this bad, maybe it’s in part due to the drinking?

If I decide to try, what type of boundaries should I set? I just signed a new one year lease at my apartment and I have an extra bedroom for my kids to stay. Quite honestly I’m very comfortable there and enjoy some occasional solitude.

I’d appreciate any constructive advice. Thanks.