Need help

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2020-10-24T19:19:46+00:00

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something.

Stay away from alcohol, do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas, plans then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Don’t feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful:

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• ⁠Extreme Ownership

Discipline Equals Freedom

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do. Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played in coming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out. Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do not repeat the same mistakes that got you were you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market in a much much better position

ciphrr · 2020-10-24T19:30:26+00:00

Don’t try to process trauma while you’re experiencing it. Wish I had understood this when I was where you are now. Trying to process this crap, this early only made me feel weaker. I felt like a failure because I couldn’t control my feelings of jealousy, insecurities, self blame, let alone keep my spouse from leaving.

Logically, sure, marriages end. But divorce is a trauma: no matter who files. What you can do is stop idolizing her. You know her selfishness, laziness, faults. She is still that person with this guy. She still stinks up the bathroom, wastes money, what ever. Make a list of all the crap she did to you and how it made you feel.

Work out, lift and don’t drink.

BlackFire68 · 2020-10-24T19:50:04+00:00

He has a little dick and rage issues... she isn’t in a better spot. Listen to the advice on the long post. Can’t tell you how right on it is.

thegrayduke · 2020-10-24T23:02:33+00:00

Don't even worry about the work. That'll come. You gotta get through that shit man. We're trained to base our worth off of our loved ones approval. It's a nuclear family rating system that didn't take our spouses getting tired of us into account. Gotta establish your own worth. Your insecurities are just that... You can get past them and push forward.

sexytimeinseattle · 2020-10-24T20:51:03+00:00

He's probably using her, and will soon get tired and move on. Then she'll cry because she'll realize she was just being used for sex.

The odds on this being a long term emotionally supportive relationship are very low.

jaymo54 · 2020-10-24T18:56:46+00:00

How old are you, how long have you been divorced?

infinityplus1 · 2020-10-24T19:14:46+00:00

What are you doing to work on and improve yourself?

2020-10-24T23:35:46+00:00

I know how it feels. I'm going through the same thing right now. She's throwing herself into date to get over me. I'm sure once the divorce is finalized she's going to get even more involved with dating. it hurts like hell, especially since I live alone and I get so lonely most times. What's helped is picking up some of my old hobbies like cooking and playing more video games, searching for new music. Cooking has definitely been really therapeutic, she always wanted to do the cooking and to be hones it wasn't great. She did a lot of boxed stuff and couldn't really cook anything too complicated so becoming self sufficient again has helped

InsidiousToilet · 2020-10-25T05:29:43+00:00

I get that you're insecure, but what do you want to do about it? If you want to get jacked just to make her miss you, bad idea: she's your ex, no takesies-backsies. On top of that, it takes a massive investment (of time and effort) just to get swole enough to show her what's up...and even then, you're ostensibly doing it for her, not yourself.

If you want to deal with your insecurities, and being weak/chubby/scrawny/whatever is one of them, then sure, lift weights. Lifting weights is a MASSIVE ego boost, because as a new lifter, your gains come extremely fast. For example, you might struggle to do 4 sets of squats (10 reps, then 8 reps, then 6 reps, and 6 reps again on the 4th set), and you'll be sore for the next 48-72 hours from DOMS, but the next time you go squat (after your warm-up sets), you'll progress very quickly. Deadlifts as well. Bench press and overhead press (OHP) progress slower, but the gains are pretty much non-stop as a beginning lifter.

Speaking from experience here as an overweight guy in my 30s when I started...I felt like I was unstoppable. Hitting nearly 1,000 lbs on the leg press and being able to deadlift/squat in the 500s after only about 2-3 months certainly helped (feels like you're about to go launch a moderately sized dinosaur child into space with your legs, which is fucking badass).

My point is, if you're pitying yourself for not being that guy, and you want to be that guy...don't do it. Do it because you want to improve who you are, regardless of what anyone else says/thinks/looks like.

Hell, confidence comes free with it, too. Don't creepily stare at the hot ass ladies in the gym, but don't be afraid to be friendly and chat with them if they look like they want to talk, and it's not interrupting either of your sets.

Get it, guy. Forget the ex, and forget her new boyfriend. I'm not a trainer, but if you need advice getting started with lifting weights, feel free to hit me up after you find a gym. Hell, if you've got the cash, hire the most jacked personal trainer in the place and say "I wanna look like you."

Title	Need help
Author	joel_lou
Upvotes	16
Comments	18
Date	October 24, 2020 6:46 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/jhe9de/need_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/need-help.817796 https://theredarchive.com/post/817796

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