Seek Advice

SurlyBadger009 · 2026-08-17T01:40:06+00:00

There is a lot of good advice on here, the longest post has all the best paths forward.

Document everything. Get your records straight when you paused your career to help her career, that will play out in the division of assets phase.

I made a divorce file will all my documentation, and my ex-wife didn't even show up to the proceedings. Located her in CA.

She will gaslight you. She will use DARVO to turn everything back on you. This has nothing to do with you, she is a a cheater.

Go talk to a divorce lawyer now. It is the best money ever spent and you can charge it to her as she is instigating the divorce.

Half her assets are yours, unless you have a prenup specifically against division of marital assets.

Good luck, rake her over the coals.

HotCut100 · 2026-08-17T00:22:18+00:00

Well that rationale is certainly a choice. Get really comfortable with the following response: “We WERE a family until your selfishness torched that construct. Now we will grow separate on our own paths and the only contact we will have is your regular spousal maintenance (and child support if applicable) payments to me.” You know, just to set clear expectations up front.

The fact that you put your career and business on hold to further hers and be the primary caretaker over the course of a long term marriage puts all the cards in your favor. Don’t have money to hire a lawyer? Yes you do. A quick court filing puts her on the hook for those costs.

Remember, she is no longer your wife, your partner, or your friend NO MATTER WHAT SHE CLAIMS. Everything she has done for the last 24 months at least has led to that conversation. Everything she says and does from that point forward is trying to get you out of her life quick and quiet.

Wise move not signing away any rights, but check that she has not already purchased something or spent marital funds on the affair or something that is now half yours. Might take a lawyer or some old fashioned research. Be prepared to document everything to protect yourself. I will give you the copy/pasta I learned through my own experience with infidelity. The length of marriage is different but the principles remain.

Ok, OP. First off, sorry you are going through this. It is going to take at least 18 months (US state timetable) of processing and pain to get through this. You are dealing with someone who is incredibly selfish and self centered. The injured ones here are you and the children. So here is the tried and true advice I have for you:

DO NOT CONFRONT. This is going to be incredibly difficult. You will vacillate between rage and sorrow, but it makes it so much more difficult for everyone if you let on you know.
Set up your documentation and evidence storage process. Save these to a cloud drive along with anything else you need like phone, financial, budget, W2s, child care, use of marital assets on affairs or anything not of the family. Proton is my go to but you seem to have apple products so iCloud can work too.
Mind the gap. As in, be aware of where your texts, emails, and location is shared. You probably need to create a dedicated email for this. Again, Proton as it is not based out of the U.S. and is security focused. Also, does not sync across devices unless you want it to.
Either on this or an alt account, join the male focused separation, divorce, and custody subs. Family law is a good one too. Read, research, and come to the sad truth that you are not unique. This leads to the understanding that you are not alone and that is at least something. Join but do not participate in the regular divorce, separation, and custody subs. It helps you get perspective, but you will see those places are not for you due to your gender.
Focus heavily on your children. There will likely come a point where you don’t get to see them every day, possibly soon. Cherish the time you have now. Volunteer at their school or daycare, take on more duties than you already have, plan and do spontaneous things with just you and the kid. They will remember and in the end that is what matters.
Once you gather your basic evidence and documentation, consult lawyers. Do the paid consult if you can conceal the charge. Don’t settle on this point. Even if you don’t retain one, make sure you consult until you find the right one. Depending on your STBX’s temperament, you may need to secure the biggest bulldog in your county. Have your list of questions written down and submitted ahead of time. They will answer them and it does not allow them to do paid research and get back to you with a second meeting.
Arm yourself with knowledge. Understand the legal process. Understand the Grey Rock method. Know what the silver bullet divorce is and the signs to look for so you can protect yourself. Remember, if there is a DV call to the police the standing policy is someone MUST be detained and possibly arrested. Don’t let it be you.
Under no circumstances do you leave the house or move out. That puts you in an automatic disadvantage. She not comfortable with you in the marital bed? Then it is up to her to move herself to the couch, the guest room, or to her bachelorette apartment.
Recording devices, in communal spaces, protect everyone. This is for after you serve her with papers. Make it part of the conversation and inform her that any tampering will be considered property damage and you will have the right to press charges. She wants to have private conversations or meetings? She does it outside of the marital home, just like you will. Makes the field level. If you are sleeping in separate rooms or if you have a private office, you set up recording devices there without telling her. Those are your private spaces and she has no expectation of privacy if she violates those spaces. And before anyone says it, that is completely legal in a two party consent state. If you’re in a one party consent state record away just not in the bathrooms.
Assemble your support team. You can’t do this alone and more importantly, you don’t NEED to. You need family, friends that are not marriage friends (don’t know who they will choose), church supports if you are into that, and neighbors that you absolutely trust. Notice I left off co-workers? Don’t get it twisted; many are situational and they are not truly your friends. That relationship generally is circumstantial and no more.

That should be enough to get you started. Those subs have resources that say it much more eloquently than I did. You at least have the advantage of absolute clarity here. I had to sleuth and gather for 18 months before I convinced myself the evidence proved the betrayal. You have procedural advantage. Bide your time, do you research, put in the work, and take your action fully informed and ready. Anyone that says it isn’t fair? That is the price cheaters deserve to pay for blowing up families. Good luck!

Additional_Support91 · 2026-08-16T23:45:07+00:00

If you did this she would bleed you dry. Do not cave to her demands.

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2026-08-16T23:08:39+00:00

She’ll agree to just about anything. She’s the affair fog.

Use this to your advantage

Financial-Exit2488 · 2026-08-16T23:08:28+00:00

I gave up A LOT for my family. Reading posts like this makes me realize I need to make more boundaries.

Other-Chard7604 · 2026-08-16T23:05:35+00:00

Document the ongoing affair thoroughly and clean her out financially. She would do it to you in a heartbeat.

0neMinute · 2026-08-16T23:04:38+00:00

Take her for everything, roles reversed she would do the same.
Get alimony etc, if things look fishy investigate where money has been going always possible she has been hiding money.

Title	Seek Advice
Author	Aiki_Traveler
Upvotes	14
Comments	8
Date	August 16, 2026 6:54 PM UTC (3 days ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1vq5bhl/seek_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/seek-advice.1633176 https://theredarchive.com/post/1633176

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