After going back and forth I’ve finally accepted that divorce is likely inevitable, as things have been getting worse in my marriage and my periods of optimism have all but dried up. The biggest thing I’m trying to work through is when I should file so that I can have a good timeline and get all my preparations in order. Financial security and the kids are forefront in this decision.

Tl;dr does timing have a material impact on how the kids adapt (I’m thinking the Summer would be easiest for the transition) & how much financial uncertainty should be tolerated when you are the one filing?

35, 2 kids (2 & 5), currently self-employed. My wife has a decent job (her income was 2/3 of mine until I went solo) and all of our benefits are through her employer. We own 2 cars (loan free) and a house (still have a mortgage, reasonable though). We each have retirement accounts, wife’s is about 3-4x mine. Joint bank accounts, but limited liquid savings. No debt other than our mortgage. My anticipated monthly fixed expenses post-divorce are:

  • $1,400 to $2,100 child support
  • $700 health insurance
  • $100 phone
  • $40 internet
  • $2000 mortgage (max I’d be willing to carry, reasonable for my area)
  • $250 utilities
  • $140 life insurance
  • $100 car insurance
  • $25 streaming services
  • Total $4755 to $5,455

I’ll also obviously need $$ for food, gas, kids clothes and other miscellaneous variable expenses. No attorney’s fees for divorce, I’ll be pro se (Family Law isn’t a practice area I enjoy but I’ve done plenty of custody/child support proceedings and a few divorce cases).

I expect having consistent revenue from my firm in ~ 1 year, maybe 18 months. 5 yo is in kindergarten and 2 yo is in all day pre-k. With a recession looming I am hesitant to join a firm, lose part of the fees from my existing clients and then be first on the lay off list with no prospects, or at minimum a messy fight to try to take clients with me. Right now I anticipate we can continue to maintain our current standard of living until June of 2023 even if I don’t take on any major business until next summer based on what I already have in the pipeline and our limited liquid savings.

I won’t be moving out until after I’m either granted a limited divorce (basically legal separation) or absolute divorce. Maryland sucks, if it isn’t a consent agreement then you have to live apart for 1 year before you can get absolute divorce. Living separately is a big expense and imo should not be done prematurely (absent exigent circumstances that don’t exist here) as it puts you at a disadvantage in how you present to the court if things are contested.

Filing while in an uncertain economic position and having low income on paper might sound like a way to get a lower court-ordered child support amount, but not here. The court will almost certainly just look back to my income at my prior firm (which was very good) and calculate with that as the basis. There isn’t really a sound legal basis for this approach, but I’ve seen it done to men (never women, even when I’ve made the argument. For example, this artist purposefully stopped selling her pieces to drive down her income and the court wouldn’t impute income for completed but unsold works. But I digress…). Courts here really favor the mom, it’s absurd and one of the reasons I despise taking on family law cases. In the event this happens I can petition for a downward adjustment in 2 years based on the AGI for my tax returns, and it should be granted.

I will get 50/50 physical custody and no alimony will be awarded. The only legal issues that would need to be dealt with are the child support amount and the nitty gritty of 50/50 custody (schedule etc). Possible that joint legal custody becomes an issue if my wife goes nuts as MD considers the parents’ ability to make joint decisions as dispositive. In situations where the court makes a finding that the parties can’t make joint decisions they will default to the mom unless she has serious issues, which incentivizes moms to not get along with dads during the process. I should be able to work these issues out with my wife and we coparent fine for now but who knows, she may want to waste time and $$ on an attorney just to make me fight for it.

Thanks for reading & I appreciate any support/feedback/suggestions!