https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/bqz386/is_there_something_wrong_with_me46m/

Original post link above.

I had an emotional epiphany thanks to this pandemic. But first, some status updates. I filed for divorce in December, and probably would have finalized in June had the quarantine not happened. Now slide that to the right for all the time the courts are closed. I told her I was done in September. We started mediation, and she moved out in January. Mediation is going okay, but we are stuck on the house. The stock market and quarantine aren't help that discussion either. But I digress.

I started chatting with another redditor (F) about 2 weeks ago. It was flirtatious. She complimented me, made be feel special. Told me I was the total package. Time after time after time. It didn't take long before I felt addicted. Every compliment was like a drug. I wanted more and more and more. After about 5 days, she told me she was married. I was pretty crushed, but I had never asked. I was hopeful to try and meet her after this whole shit show blows over. The next day, I was sitting in front of my computer trying to work, trying to fight the urge to go chat with her, trying to figure out why I needed to get more of that drug. I was practically in tears. What was it? "Special"! She made me feel special, she made me feel loved. She complimented me. When that clicked, years of pent up emotional turmoil came pouring out. I sat at my desk and cried like I haven't cried in years (since loosing my sons.) As I began to realize I wanted to feel special, and loved and appreciated, I started to think back ... How long had I not felt that from my ex? It didn't matter. I spent over a decade trying to get her through struggle, after struggle, and I don't remember ever feeling appreciated. Never being told how special I was. I reflected on my in-laws. The don't do that either. No cuddles in the kitchen while cooking. No spontaneous encompassing hugs. The were cold. My ex said that the first time her dad told her he loved her was when we got married. She was 23+ years old. I should have seen the signs. So at some point in my marriage, that dried up. I can't put my finger on when. And all the emotional energy I poured into her went un-reciprocated. I felt like I was trying to love her enough for both of us at times. I worked my ass off trying to find happiness for her and I in the marriage. But I can't make her happy, and without reciprocation, something was eventually going to give.

The realization has been amazing. I've been on cloud nine since this revelation. I spent years expending emotional energy. I wasn't happy because, it wasn't being reciprocated. I have been sooo happy the last few days. I can't believe the energy I have. Oddly enough, I think the biggest indication that this is truly the cause, my desire for porn and masturbation is almost completely gone (yes there's a little, I human). I don't need it to make me feel better anymore.

So quarantine helped me answer my question: Is there something wrong with me? No, there is nothing wrong with me.

I hope my ex can find a pathway to happiness, but it is no longer my job to help her.