About escalating

xvszero · 2020-10-08T17:55:26+00:00

Bro, I didn't have sex with my wife for like a year. All kinds of people out there. Don't worry so much about these weird "rules" people make up, just go with what works for you.

or example I was seeing this girl for like 2 months and for logistic reason and also me being shy we never had sex (but we kissed).

Honestly probably has less to do with not having sex and more to do with not seeing her much in 2 months. When I dated, would try to hang out every weekend, even more if possible. Especially at first. 2 months in we would have already gone out like 7 or 8 times.

At first she was all over me and of course she lost interest and she went to have sex on probably the first date with some dude of a dating app.

That's a fantasy you made up in your head, you have no idea what she went on to do or not do.

Worst part of it is that she was not even the kind of girl that you would suspect to do that, she was extremely shy and submissive

This is not particularly relevant to how and when someone decides to have sex. You need to stop thinking you know more about people than you actually do. These generalizations are not helping you.

When I read articles on some websites like girlschase I end up even more depressed

Obvious solution to this, stop reading that dumbass trash. Those guys all suck at serious, longterm relationships and they're probably not even that good at hook-ups either. And even if they did know all the secrets, they sure wouldn't tell you, because then you wouldn't need them anymore, and they're a business at the end of the day. These guys don't want you to figure this stuff out any more than a cigarette company wants you to figure out how to quit smoking. They're just exploiting your insecurity and very happy to keep you in that insecure spot so you keep coming back.

With that said, there is SOME truth in their trash, they just never quite hit the real truth. And here is the truth: women (and men too, for that matter) want to feel a "spark" with someone they're getting to know. That often comes from feeling desired in some way. They don't want to just feel like they're hanging out with a friend. So yes, getting all sexual right away can make someone feel desired, which can help with that spark. But there are LOTS of ways to do this that don't involve sex as well. Even just a look can do it sometimes. Or some nice gestures to show you appreciate the person. My wife always brings up how much she fell for me showing up with a mix tape for her (well, mix cd, back when cds were still a thing.) Just don't go overboard with this stuff too fast, or you come off as creepy / clingy. Like with anything in life, there is a balance.

But sometimes she still just won't be into you, regardless of what you do. That's life.

CyberLama · 2020-10-08T18:04:33+00:00

I've had similar issues to you before, where I'll miss a pretty clear opportunity to "escalate" just because I'm stuck in my own head. Definitely sucks, but I promise you it's not the end of the world. To answer your question, though, a couple things:

Communication is important, especially since you said you'd like to form an emotional connection before getting too intimate. It might sound really weird, but make your intentions (or maybe lack thereof) known to her. Something simple like "hey I really enjoy spending time with you but to be totally honest I think I need a bit more time before this turns into sex," which might sound "beta" or whatever, but if that's honestly how you feel, it'll be a huge weight off your shoulders. She can either say that's fine, which is great for you and the ball is in your court, or she can say no, which is also great for you because you know you two aren't on the same emotional wavelength.

Another thing is that you seem to have a little bit of RP mindset when it comes to women (e.g. calling her submissive, taking her using a dating app personally). Chances are, this girl was into you for those 2 months, didn't detect much effort from you, and moved on. Sounds bad, but this happens literally all the time and you can just chalk it up as a learning experience. Communicating properly also helps reduce the chances of this happening :)

Edit: just read the article you posted. I cannot stress this enough: PLEASE do not get your dating advice from PUA blogs or RP/PUA adjacent sources. Ask one of your lady friends what they think. That advice is infinitely more useful to you than some weird hotshot 30 year old dude relying on fear and manipulation to sleep with as many women as possible.

bagoonga · 2020-10-08T18:32:46+00:00

Anyone who wants to make a decision about who their partner is quickly is an idiot or codependent.

More emotionally healthy people take time with it because it's a big decision.

Comfortable_Intern57 · 2020-10-08T18:00:33+00:00

That's not really true, trust me, most women don't want sex on the first date, we are the same way, we want to take time to get to know someone and trust them before we have sex. The only time I had sex on the first date was with someone I already knew for years and already had feelings for. That's the only understandable time to do that.

Two months may be a bit long though for many women, they may feel like you are not interested in them sexually and see it as rejection so they move on. Making assumptions about her sleeping with someone on the first date is wrong, you can't just assume that.

But trust me, there are plenty of women who would be perfectly happy about that. Just tell the next girl up front that you prefer to wait a while to truly get to know someone before jumping in bed with them. You could also be demisexual like me too.

atman714 · 2020-10-09T00:19:17+00:00

I actually find the opposite to be true in my personal life. Any date I've had with a woman where we have sex within the first or second date usually ends very fast and never develops into a real relationship. My strongest relationship lasted two years and we waited about 6 months before we had sex. I'm kinda demi-sexual though as in I dont really like hookups, so I am biased here.

burgerboymemes · 2020-10-08T20:49:53+00:00

Depends on the person , also if they wanna take it serious some will not have sex ,because they added value instead of lust to the situation ,but that’s just my take.

cuicksilver · 2020-10-09T06:13:17+00:00

Agree with what’s being said. Gonna add, it sounds like you’re on the right path toward healthy relationships (slow, thoughtful, serious, develop communication), and you sound like you could get extra support, guidance and self-esteem development from therapy.

It helped me a lot after a rough breakup where I learned what I did “wrong.” The best dating advice is to fully own You and find someone that clicks where you don’t have to pretend to be someone else.

ezzomania · 2020-10-09T11:36:31+00:00

Advice in the comments are spot-on.

I'll add this: don't go into any connection already putting pressure on it by thinking that this "has to be the one" or that you have finally found something that perfectly fits. Even more so, do not have this mindset before you even meet a girl (then it is just hypothetical overthinking... bad).

Instead, take every moment at its time and don't be scared to say how you feel. A simple "I really like you" or "I like spending time with you" or really anything that you notice about her personality that you really like - say it! They appreciate this stuff.

You are getting way ahead of yourself in your head, producing a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself. Being honest, living in the moment, and not getting carried away unnecessarily is the only way. If things dont work out afterwards, so be it. But trust me, in most situations, girls appreciate honesty and non-clinginess/natural evolution of a connection. That could take 1 day or 1 month, depends on the situation.

Title	About escalating
Author	elcartmano
Upvotes	12
Comments	26
Date	October 8, 2020 5:37 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/j7hke9/about_escalating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/about-escalating.311338 https://theredarchive.com/post/311338

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