my ex boyfriend redpill

The first impression is that he looked vulnerable, shy, dreamy and cute. I liked that because I felt like he wasn't trying to be like those guys who constantly want to prove their masculinity.

I didn't fall in love with him at first, but I had good feelings. I was down to earth. He seemed in love right away the moment we started talking. He pursued me relentlessly, with a kind of intermittent reinforcement. He really seemed invested.

At one point, I felt like he was putting me on a very high pedestal, I feel like I don't deserve it, because I'm a human being, and as a human being I'm flawed and not perfect, as that pedestal made me look like. It bothered me, I thought: what will happen when he takes me off this pedestal? The opposite of appreciation is devaluation.

I talked to him about it, I understand that when we're in love we can look at our lover with rose-colored glasses, but that was too much and it sounded like exaggeration, flattery or insincere. It's like he said and did exactly what he believed I wanted. I like praise, to be admired, but not in excess, it needs to come from the heart.

He was constantly saying about feeling intense chemistry between us, like we were special, about me being different from the other girls, but I still wasn't feeling the same, but at one point thinking that he saw us that way made me feel comfortable. I thought being like that was part of his personality, and I just let it flow.

I have never dealt with any of these behaviors mentioned above in any past relationship.

I felt he was a vulnerable type. He opened up about his personal life, some intimate secrets, and the way he talked about it seemed to come from a background of fear or insecurity, like he was unsure about talking about it, but he talked anyway. And that was one of the traits that made me admire him, I felt like hugging and protecting him.

At some point I started to fall in love with him, and he seemed very excited when I corresponded with him romantically. He said he felt like he was in a dream.

I was wrong about him being shy, he seemed to be antisocial, a loner type. But I don't care about that and I don't see a problem. He was hopeful and with an innocent energy around him, sweet, cute, very intelligent and emotionally expressive, he was constantly present in my life, thoughtful, listening, polite, gentlemanly and romantic, characteristics that I admire in a human being... I saw and felt it, so slowly I began to trust him and develop a level of intimacy and connection.

I am a sensitive, affectionate, attached and communicative type of girl in intimate relationships. We were very, very similar, we shared similar interests, point of view, hobbies.

When I felt like I was trusting him, that level of intimacy was developing, and I would constantly talk about it so he would know how I was feeling about us. I was feeling safe and loved. I felt no worries and insecurity. We both felt a intense chemistry that lasted for months.

In one moment he went from a dream to a nightmare overnight. His personality and behavior changed brutally. He was distant. I felt a little scared and tried to calmly talk about it. He reacted very angry and was talking about his top priorities and saying that he hadn't noticed any change on his part. The way he said was so defensive, I felt like he wanted to punch me in the face. I broke up with him because I felt something was wrong and I knew I didn't deserve that disproportionate brutality.

The next day when we were calmer, we talked and decided to go back. He talked about my bad behavior and how wrong I was to believe he was distant. I was feeling deeply sorry for my behavior and I promised myself to make up for it, he seemed distant and cold.

I should have trusted myself with what I felt and saw, even though he said it was nothing, it obviously was. I feel that after this reconciliation, he developed an intense sense of power. I still continued to feel that he was distancing himself, instinctively I tried to do some self-analysis, to see if I contributed to that in some way. And I thought about the possibility that he was upset about that fight and the breakup.

But at one point I started calling him about his behavior, at first he was saying he wasn't far away and I was misinterpreting the situation, I was thinking maybe I was just imagining it. That lasted a few months. After he was saying many reasons to distance, he always had a reason and it was always something that wasn't under his control.

I started to feel a little anxious about all the change in investment, behavior and dynamics.

He started to grow up distance and boundaries as the relationship progressed, and he became very inconsistent, although he still said he loved me and saw a future together.

I had no idea what I was doing because I was so affectionate and warm with him. I tried many times over time to ask if there were things that bothered him and he never said, although an intense atmosphere of resentment was grow up.

I naively thought he would go back to the way he was when we first met. I had no idea that someone I knew who was so nice, sweet and sensitive could turn into cold and erratic person.

I have tried a few times to express and communicate my concerns, my concerns would be argued against logic rather than him being with me in my feelings. He saw everything as manipulation, it resulted in evasion, transference and blame projection, he twisted my words to make me look like the villain. I would start to cry and he would take my emotional response as the problem, rather than taking a percentage of responsibility for his actions that caused that response. He didn't seem to realize that my anguish was a response to his distance and he perceived it as an excessive need. Everything I did was not logical to him and his ways.

I absolutely hated that it all ended so bitterly. And to bring us together, I apologized, although deep down I didn't know what I was doing wrong but I wanted the better for the relationship, and comforting him for making him feel bad, and it was never the other way around, it rarely was him looking to solve the things that were hurting me. And those mistakes remained uncorrected to maintain any level of superficial peace.

If I always do more, care more, all is well. I was always going out of my way to comfort him and worry about his problems, even though I felt he was repressing or holding back from sharing his internal or external stressors, sharing his feelings or needs. So that left me in a situation where I was constantly giving, always thinking about his needs, how not to push him away.

But if I ever express anything that bothers me, I'm ripped to shreds. I'm treated as if I'm trying to start an argument, so it's my fault and communication stops. It was an experience of rejection, as if my most basic needs were illogical. He exhibited attitude like, “you are not that important to me”, “I have more important things to do with my time”, “my time is sacred”, “I take care of myself, you take care of you”. If I tried to get closer, I was risking her non-negotiable self-sufficiency. So when I got close, I became very threatening.

I had so many internal dialogues about if he would just do that and I could do that, then things would work out and we'd go back to how we were before. I gave some alternatives on how we could change our way of communicating to something that would help us understand each other. I tried to talk about things in different ways, I was reading about nonviolent communication and participating in online relationship forums and doing group therapy. I kept reading article after article trying to imagine what I could do to improve our relationship and make him feel safe with me. I found myself telling him that I needed to be supported and loved. But it's no use being hopeful, codependent, being in denial, hoping that new information can change the outcome.

He said that with the right person The One, things would flow naturally without him having to make an effort to do something. I think it unrealistic. At this point, a third person indirectly emerged in the relationship. An idealized ex partner from the past. It was enough for this to be another new obstacle in our relationship, even though they had broken up 13 years ago, but he was fantasizing about her. He said she was the one who got away. I felt inferior, like I was never going to be as important as she was. I had never dealt with anything like this in my life and it was extremely confusing.

He began to virtually flirt with other girls, as if they were desperate to get their validation. They always ignore him It was a quick flirtation.

I started to feel like he was one foot in, one foot out, though he denied it. And I was again questioning my perception. Trying to deal with ongoing uncertainty is inherently very stressful. All this dysfunction and confusion will make anyone want resolution and some normalcy.

I didn't realize that I was reinforcing his behavior by being even more warm and understanding, behaving submissively and asking how I could be better for our relationship and for him. And the atmosphere of rancor and bitterness grew.

I felt like a helpless stray dog, waiting for some kind of prize.

I felt too long stuck and focused trying to get back to what we were in the beginning, would never be reached because it never existed.

There were moments in our relationship that he was open and told me about trying to deal with his negative view of women from affecting our relationship and fear of betrayal, about him being a player, but now he wanted something special. I really appreciated these moments, and I wanted to show that we could be different from those bad experiences past.

We had other intimate moments and he was hopeful about us. I didn't earn those crumbs all the time, but I did earn enough to think there was a chance of recouping all the losses. Trying to cling to crumbs of hope in inconsistent behavior. Then would win the prize in the end. I naively thought he would go back to the way he was when we first met.

But he was still closing in more and more. We were already close to the end, he started using silence. I felt like I was being trained to never ask for any of my needs just to avoid this punishment. In silence, he would never have to face his own shame, and responsibility for anything he did wrong, and by not talking he couldn't validate my feelings, and it teaches him how to get sweet answers without having to do anything but withhold affection. And we never resolved our issues, he was constantly refusing to communicate even to discuss where things went wrong. It wouldn't occur to him to make amends, I feel he felt so "above" me that his mind "authorized" him to be harmful. He thought he was perfect and he was always right.

His cold and indifferent responses to my suffering had already become apparent, although he continued to deny it, and was trying to convince me that I was distant and with communication and intimacy problems.

1 month before we broke up, he was flirting virtually and specifically with a girl. Liking all posts and commenting on all photos. He was posting about feminism and equal rights, as if he was a feminist (he hates feminists), he was desperately trying to get her attention. Like a chameleon personality, he becomes what he believes the woman in front of him would like.

We had an argument. I couldn't take it anymore. During the discussion he was silent, ignored me and left. He pretended I didn't exist for a few days, I contacted him and ended our relationship. He ignored it.

As everything was silent before, it remained silent. No goodbyes, no real closure. No remorse, nothing. The solution I found was to write the ending.

I bet he enjoyed the ego trip of someone pining for him and the power trip of rejecting my feelings. With a sense of superiority to see myself hurt and crying is a sick person. Or was it a kind of meanness because I dared speak of his arrogant behavior.

He took absolutely no responsibility, admitted no mistakes, proved incapable of apologizing for misbehavior, and could not work as a team. While still feeling like a victim.

I felt below the level that I couldn't do anything but cry, I was crying to sleep every night. I had so many tears, mascara and snot on my pillow. I've never been so heartbroken. I've never had anyone do that, this guy really hit my soul hard.

If the price of being with him was giving up my self-respect completely, then that's too high a price to pay. Staying with him one more minute validates his behavior and demeans me in the process. I never want to feel like I have to beg a person to love me again, especially when my love and attention doesn't have to beg.

He chose to be incompatible. He chose to behave that way so I chose not to be in that relationship and to be with someone who cares about my feelings and needs.

I didn't research the red pill until after the relationship ended and I still know little about it. 2 weeks after breaking up, he posted that he had taken the black pill. And other posts about women raping men in court and being in a relationship with a woman is similar to selling your soul to the devil.

From his posts, he's been following this since 2015, I believe it started after he ended a long-term relationship in 2014/2013.

He thought he was special and said he was different from ordinary people, self dominated chad, sigma male and other bizarre terms. He is very comfortable living in his own bubble and believing that there is something wrong with the world. He's only a few years away from his 30 years old, and I feel like people with these deep problems almost never get better because they don't admit they need help.

I know he's actively trying to do the same thing to others, like a parasite or worm that goes from one host to another - It's easier to find a new toy.