Relationship anxiety

trHqru3Lapu3xb · 2024-09-09T13:50:52+00:00

I get what you mean. I've had breakups that have lowered my self esteem and as a generally anxious person I have been afraid that nobody would love me again afterwards, but these are all lies, as I've had multiple relationships after the fact. You've been in a relationship before which is proof that it's not impossible that you'll have someone be interested in you again. also, "high value men" (which isn't a useful concept but for the sake of the argument) don't worry about whether they are "high value men" or not, nor do they find a rebound for fear of becoming an incel, and very crucially, only you have the authority label yourself an incel.

Take this break up as an opportunity to reflect on yourself and your relationship, and focus on being pragmatic and compassionate with yourself, your ex partner and your previous relationship. Your value is not determined by someone else's validation of who you are, it's determined by your identity as a man and what part of yourself you identify being a "man" with.

Be kind to yourself and others, always, regardless of whether you're in a relationship or not. That's what it means to be a high value man.

waffleznstuff30 · 2024-09-09T16:31:22+00:00

Don't rebound.

You aren't low value or bad if you take time to heal and work stuff out. Jumping from one person to another is just a bad time.

It's best to sit with the feelings for awhile and grow and progress. You will be a better partner and certainly not "low value" or incel.

Cyberwitchx · 2024-09-09T17:00:28+00:00

I genuinely feel so sorry that you are going through this. Redpill indoctrination is so fucked up, because as I read your post I was confused as to why anyone would think that way. It seems.. so detached from reality. I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t push yourself towards engaging in anything you’re not comfortable with just to prove a point. Most people dont know what “high value man” even means, let alone incel. It’s so dehumanizing to also expect someone to jump up and go at it after a breakup. It’s a coping mechanism for some, but definitely NOT the standard or “healthy” thing to do. Sorry about your breakup.

Personal_Dirt3089 · 2024-09-09T20:56:22+00:00

That whole framing of "high value male" by redpill is a scam to get ad clicks and sell ebooks. If you look at how redpillers are, does that really scream "high value"? These people worship human trafficker Andrew Tate.

Also, no one calls you an "incel" for being single, that's a redpill myth. People call you an incel if you talk like a redpiller (getting entitled and blaming all women as a communal entity for your problems, and acting like you are owed sex).

Intrusive thoughts are something you should self monitor and be careful of: Do you have an anxiety disorder, OCD, anything like that?

By the way, avoid reading redpill: it's a scam, and the literature is tailored to get in your head, even when you know it is BS.

Do people even have sex with people they met at clubs anymore? In the past few years, everytime I go with a friend to a nightclub for a birthday party or something, most people seem to just stick to their own groups, which is really bad for meeting anyone new.

StayCool-243 · 2024-09-13T15:55:12+00:00

Nobody is keeping track of how often you're getting laid. In most healthy friendships, bragging about that sort of thing is a bit yuck anyway. It literally doesn't matter.

Most people eventually realize that you only need to meet one great person to have a nice life. "Getting laid" is overall nothing so great, as it seems that you've discovered anyway. Just work on yourself in the normal ways: work out, try hard at your job, be a decent person, be a bit brave sometimes. * shrug * what else can you really do.

Good luck.

Puzzleheaded_Emu7511 · 2024-09-09T14:06:11+00:00

I get what you mean because I have a similar insecurity of being an incel. Even though I have a lot of good traits on paper (in a good engineering school, 6ft, fairly attractive), I've never been in a relationship before. I had pretty bad suicidal thoughts over the years because of it and after a while I learned it was because I have OCD. I'm currently seeing a clinical psychologist for it and I'm doing a lot better. I have no idea what your mental health history is but how you describe your fear of being an incel feels similar to my OCD.

I think it would be good to challenge the distortions surrounding why you think you might be an incel. Are you really an incel if you don't have sex for a long period of time? Many people are single for years even between relationships and it's quite normal. I have two friends that just broke up with their gfs earlier this year and they're still single and busy with starting work and stuff, but I never saw them as "incels."

Also, rebounds can be pretty shitty too. My first sexual experience was with a girl who rebounded from her ex who she just broke up with after two weeks. We got along pretty well but she was still extremely hung up on her ex (even though she was the one who dumped him). After a date one day, she just straight up said that she hooked up with her ex again and I felt pretty rejected as I never got to lose my virginity with her. It was partly my issue because I was desperate to be with this girl who had OBVIOUS red flags due to my own insecurities about the topic.

Honestly, it sounds like you should get a therapist and talk some of these issues out. I am personally off the dating apps until I fix my mental health issues and get a good job. I think it's perfectly fine to be single for an allotted amount of time while you work out through other issues you have, whether it's mental or financial.

floracalendula · 2024-09-09T23:20:45+00:00

I feel really pressured to find a rebound ASAP, because if I don't Ill soon be considered "low value" or an "incel"

Not by anyone with half a heart or a working braincell, you won't.

Fuck this value bullshit. The best guys I ever knew were members of my university's SF/F club. One was my English class buddy (unfortunately, he had a nervous breakdown and fell off the face of the earth). One was, in retrospect, such a goddamn keeper: long curly hair, gorgeous eyes, his own van (I love a good van), and he was the head of my guard when I got hit by a guy and the school wouldn't intervene. He sat in my dorm room just so I wouldn't be alone when I wanted a nap.

Unfortunately, we were both under 25, and my type has always been much older. The family joke is that I've had to wait for the guys my age to grow up. ;) But if I met him tomorrow and he were as much himself as I am myself, I'd marry him.

FlunkyGraphics · 2024-09-12T11:43:55+00:00

It helped me to understand that this experience affects almost every man. Even very attractive and successful men like Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp are dumped by their girlfriends. Just like almost all other men. This is completely normal and doesn’t make you any less valuable. Like everyone else, you’ll probably find someone more fitting soon.

mepartoloscojones · 2024-09-17T20:36:13+00:00

i'm really sorry that you're going through a tough time man, but please know that being down and emotionally low after a breakup is the most normal, human shit ever. i personally suspect that those who bounce back quickly from breakups either had a not-so-great relationship, or are essentially suppressing their feelings and lying to themselves, and i think the latter is especially common for the redpill community. end of the day, they think sensitivity and vulnerability are feminine rather than human, because they can't put up with the strength it takes to accept you're down and in a vulnerable place.

i'm a woman and have never been redpilled, but i cannot imagine how difficult it must be to fight years of having that whole ideology wormed into your brain. i hope you know your fear is valid and even having this internal battle and writing this post shows how much of an actual high-value human you are. please be single and refrain from sex for as long as you want to and need to. i don't know anyone in real life who would label someone in your situation (giving themselves time after a breakup) an incel, and anyone who would is probably consumed by the manosphere. sending lots of support

Sagecerulli · 2025-04-15T03:16:01+00:00

First, I'm so sorry, breakups are rough.

Second, take your time to mourn & heal. Lean on friends and family, if you feel safe + comfortable doing so, and if you're up for it (once you've gotten some emotional distance), maybe reflect back on the relationship, what worked well, what you've learned about yourself, etc.

When I was in middle school I had a pretty heartbreaking friendship breakup, and my mom told me: "this is just like breaking up with a romantic partner. You can feel sad and also look back on the relationship and recognize what was good and what was less good, so you can build good relationships in the future." It was some of the best advice I've received and has really helped me build a healthy romantic relationship.

Also, I want to second everyone else's advice: you don't need a rebound. If anything, it'll probably mess with your emotions more, and you won't be in a state to treat a partner well. But maybe even more importantly you owe it to yourself to really heal rather than just distracting yourself.

And I agree that no one will care (or even notice!) that you're single for a while. If anything, I think it would be taken as a good thing/a sign of maturity. *As a woman* I can say I'm far more afraid of being a man's trophy or rebound than of getting a . . . "low value man," whatever that means. And espousing hateful/misogynistic/self-defeatist ideas would make you seem like an incel ... not taking time to get over the end of a relationship. If anything, I think it shows that you really cared the relationship and are serious about caring for the people in your life, which will make you a good boyfriend/husband/father in the future.

I'll just say that I think the incel mentality of emotions (including love) = weakness = unattractive and therefor sleep around is flat-out wrong. Some women might be into that (and here I'll get on my high-horse of internalized misogyny lol), but I think most want a person they can love and feel loved by.

I get that intrusive thoughts are rough though (I have OCD, and also have experience getting kind a radicalized online -- it takes time to get over). I hope things go well!

One last thing: as a biology major, I feel like I'm obligated to say that a lot of Redpill stuff pretty seriously misunderstands actual biology around reproduction (and even the biology itself is suspect ... as most of the theories were formalized by men at times when certain gender roles were assumed to be 'natural.' My favorite example of this is: women mostly gathered plants because women are stupid and bad at geometry. As if identifying plants requires no intelligence. The influx of female biologists into fields like primatology has brought a lot of new perspectives that complicate simplistic male-oriented theories.)

In short: even in highly socially stratified communities of, say, Chimpanzees, where so-called "Alpha - males" attempt to control who the females have sex with, females will subtly proposition to and have sex with "lower-ranking" males. In the olden days scientists assumed that the sex they were seeing -- namely, sex between "high ranking" males and many females -- was the only sex that was happening. Now that we have DNA tests, we've realized that there's a lot going on behind the scenes ... and that female desire may run counter to male political hierarchies. Being a "high value male" may get you dominance over other men ... but not really the interest of women.

If you want some anti-red-pill/healthy relationship content, I'd recommend the YouTube channel Cinematherapy. The hosts don't exactly give dating advice, but they do give a lot of good relationship advice.

No_Voice_813 · 2024-09-10T09:39:20+00:00

I appreciate your kind words.

I gotta keep it real though, whats an SF/F club? 😅

Title	Relationship anxiety
Author	No_Voice_813
Upvotes	6
Comments	32
Date	September 9, 2024 1:21 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/1fcpaos/relationship_anxiety/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/relationship-anxiety.1529896 https://theredarchive.com/post/1529896

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