This is a repost from another board. Idk if this is the correct place since I have never been redpill or incel per se, but I believe there may be some "pillish" thinking in me.

M26 from eastern-european country here as title suggests I struggle with sex being of all-encompassing importance to me. I just don't really see much value in a lot of my other achievements if I don't have sex (or maybe to be more precise if I am not sexually desired).

I went to uni when I was younger but decided being able to live on my own was more important. I did some stuff in finance outsource company for germans and now I run my own company. I have been getting more and more fit in the last years, the two last years seeing an explosive growth in my fitness level as I found my HEMA passion. I have even opened with my friends the first HEMA club in our city and it have grown at an extraordinary rate, we even managed to strike a deal with univeristy to be under their patronage. With breathing techniques and sport I have never felt more comfortable in my body. I even am (mostly) happily married. And even with all those things it feels as though it doesn't matter if I am not desired sexually.

The moment my wife isn't up for sex (we recently have had another rough patch following my mom's sudden passing) or the topic of sexuality comes up in another group and I am not seen as an object of desire, I feel worthless. And I feel as though those around me view me as such.

We had so many talks with my wife and my previous therapist (as they didn't help I am now working with therapist trained in sexuality) around this topic but it just feels like nothing helps. Not only that when my wife starts to compliment me I feel even worse? It just feels as though I wasn't seen. People (incl my wife) go well ofc you are attractive! You are intelligent, kind, have your shit together for your age, you have passions, are funny and so on. And it makes me feel so much worse. I just want to be desired as a body, as an object, someone's dirty secret, the one I want to ravish, the one I fantasize about etc. When people compliment me around this topic in a way that keeps focus on my personality or proficiency at something it brings just the worst kind of feelings and memories.

When I was in elementary school I was abused by guys, my peers for my looks, very small and scrawny body and lack of athletic ability. The abuse even contained something that could be classified as a mild SA. Much lighter abuse also happened in middle school. Meanwhile my relationship with the girls in those years could be summed up as follows: "Oh wow you are so easy to talk to, you are a great friend, you are so smart please help me with math or some other subject, you are so funny." And yet "you being somebody's bf?? Ewww nah". So it also sadly shaped the way I view men, women and sex.

I also had some harsh family history. Dad cheating on my mom, accusing her of cheating, paranoia on that front, drugs, very low self-worth, while having major achievements (being an internationally certified oral surgeon) and it all ending with his suicide when I was 17.

Ok I know that this was a lot, but I feel like all the little details may be necessary for this post to have sense, and for people not to ask too many clarifying questions.

In summary, how can I find my worth if the only thing that seems to matter to me is whether a woman would want to ravish me sexually? I am even aware that this isn't a consistent base for self-worth but nothing else seem to be of value to me? I genuinely feel like only thing that could solve my self-esteem issues would be for someone to uncontrollably desire me :(

Btw lately I have been diagnosed with AuDHD so idk if it is relevant but I am giving this info here anyway

Help guys, this thing is actively hurting my life.