Trying to reduce cognitive dissonance, but losing faith that I have it.

SweelFor- · 2022-08-14T21:53:01+00:00

So, what am I supposed to think?

You're supposed to think that you found a stupid person with low morals and who is a bad person.

There are a lot of stupid people of all genders, always have been and always will be. You found a stupid woman. There are many. Probably about as many as there are stupid men.

Here is the thing: it doesn't matter that there are stupid women. You don't want to date them anyway right? So them making it so obvious is great. Hypothetically is you were interested in this woman, you would have known right away to back off. This is good for you.

Hypothetically, if a women on reddit was complaining about her male coworker saying all the same things in reverse, and she concluded that this proved men are terrible, what would you think? You would want to scream at her that just because this man is terrible doesn't mean all men are terrible, or that you're terrible. This would be obvious to you. You'd probably even be angry that she could reach that conclusion.

So why do you reach that conclusion yourself? It's exactly the same thing, if you'd be upset at a woman for thinking that, you should be upset at the thought that your coworker defines all women.

I see it everywhere. Reddit, youtube, tiktok, tv, movies

To put it simply, none of this matters. You choose to read and see bad things so you see and read bad things. People who listen to murder podcasts are also more scared of getting murdered. It's a very simple process.

You choose to only see and read things that are upsetting. Choose now to stop doing that. No one is forcing you. I never have read or seen these things, because I don't seek them out.

I'm not subscribed to stupid subreddits, I don't watch stupid tv shows, I don't even have tiktok. No one is forcing you to do these things, so stop doing them.

The idea of being in a relationship with a woman who loves me for me, and not the success or wealth I fall into, seems more a fairy tale than reality. I don't see it anywhere. I'll never be loved for being me.

This is what happens to most people. Most men are not very rich, yet most men are in relationships. It's a simple fact of reality.

I am very poor and have no social status to brag about and I haven't been single since I was 19.

You see it everywhere, your eyes just don't stay focused on it because you suffer from confirmation biais.

I don't know why people told you about cognitive dissonance, they must not understand what it means. Your problem is confirmation biais.

Live in reality, stop consuming fictional content that makes you upset, look at all the men in relationships around you and recognise that they are not millionaires. Ask them how they met their partner, why they love them and why their partner loves them.

Live in reality, talk to real people, and disregard stupid people. They don't deserve your attention and they're doing you a favor by telling you about how stupid they are.

Negative-Train-3303 · 2022-08-14T23:08:52+00:00

I think the first reply covered all the bases really. Only thing I would add is my perspective as woman who used to have the same feelings you have but against men. You really do see what you want to see - that confirmation bias is powerful particularly if you have been in an echo chamber for a while.

Honestly what changed my outlook was realising that the problem isn't men vs women, it's ethical people versus unethical people (who may or may not have personality disorders).

What can you do? 1. Find out who you are - what are your morals and principles? 2. Build firm boundaries and identify any codependent tendencies you have 3. Learn about the dark triad and the techniques people use to manipulate others and get good at identifying when it's happening 4. Keep your circle small and your standards high - you truly can have a life filled with people (both men and women) who can be trusted and don't play games

Be cautious and optimistic. I am actually so grateful for my negative experiences with men bc it taught me so much about boundaries and meant that when I met my now husband I was in a healthy place to be vulnerable and have an honest, mature relationship.

Naus1987 · 2022-08-15T04:05:38+00:00

Oh, you’re probably right that it’s not a “small minority.” But it certainly isn’t all women.

Think about humans in general. The average human is a pretty big shitter, lol. Have you ever driven around and seen how people drive?

It really is heartbreaking to realize so many people are just so dumb. But there are good apples out there.

The secret is learning how to speed move past the bad ones. You can spend your whole fighting with bad drivers driving the fastest routes, or you can take different paths.

You won’t find the good people who enjoy the roses clogging up the Main Street roads. Sometimes ya gotta take the more scenic and backstreet roads to find the good folks.

The key is, hang out where good people hang out. Those who are wise enough to change - do. And those who aren’t - don’t.

You get to decide what kind of person you want to be. If you can ride above the rubbish, or remain chained to the garbage.

zapadz · 2022-08-15T01:12:24+00:00

Did you watch the videos I sent in the last thread?

vcreativ · 2022-08-16T12:26:51+00:00

She is generally not a good person, ...

Then that's how much weight you should attribute to her judgement. None.

And with all this, the dating market dictates that she gets free stuff

It does not. No one is holding a gun to anyone's head. Find women you want to spend time with. If that's women that want to take you for all that you're worth that's more of a self problem than a women problem.

The ladies around her don't necessarily agree, they may be scared, intimidated, or just see it for what it is, nonsense. There are plenty of valid conclusions, but you appear to be attracted by the one that fits your mold the most, without actually knowing it to be a fact, which is exactly how biases present themselves.

Reddit, youtube, tiktok, tv, movies.

Again, this shouldn't be weighed heavily since literally anyone could post these things, in any state of mind, at any age. Lots of reasons for why they do.

I'll never be loved for being me.

I think this is the key statement. It hints at a lack of self-love that's very common on this thread. That's something you don't need women for. In fact, if you do you're putting too much reliance on external parties, which doesn't work.

Good on you for seeking to reduce your cognitive dissonance. One of the key things that CBT mentions is that you should reality test possible illusions against people that you know well, trust, and who's judgement you trust.

It's not just anyone since lots of people are kind of crazy. Many get confused by this, so no worries. But if all it takes for you to believe in an opinion is for enough people to seemingly agree with it, of course you'll suffer.

I should add that noticing cognitive dissonance is actually really difficult without help (so maybe get help?) since it's not just about weighing the input you're overly focused on appropriately instead of absolutely, but also learn to notice all of the things you aren't noticing all around you at all the other times.

But you do have to spend time with people in rl. Being alone and in isolation is one of the main depression feeds. And no, a relationship isn't the only alternative to isolation.

And if you're really serious about reducing your biases it pays to use a formalised process, e.g. read Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies. That's basically what you're looking for.

All the best.

Inareskai · 2022-08-15T10:18:58+00:00

When people tell you you've got dissonance and confirmation bias, that doesn't mean that the stuff you've been seeing isn't true/isn't happening. It just means you're probably ignoring (consciously or otherwise) the times when those things aren't happening.

So for example, you noticed with your co-worker (who, yikes, yeah she's not great is she?) that there was another woman there who seemed to be annoyed by what she was saying. Equally you don't necessarily know if anyone else there disagreed but wasn't vocal/obvious about it. It may help you to seek out and pay more attention to the voices that disagree - because right now you're focussing on people saying/doing shit things and see it as confirmation that this is 'how the world is' but your comment just brushed aside the times when people didn't agree with those things. That's how the confirmation bias works - you've shown just in this post that times when things don't align with what you expect/fear, you tend to ignore or downplay them.

You've had some other generally good advice here. So to add to all of it - I suggest you actively look for the people who disagree with these ideas. What are they saying? How many of them are there? What situations are they in?

bigmanorm · 2022-08-16T04:31:24+00:00

Just curious, do you not have friends that seemingly have loving relationships/marriages? I think a bit part of Red Pill seeming relevent is depending where you live, some places are filled with materialism and family fund babies which is a recipe for disaster of anecdotal experiences for anyone's mental state that doesn't fit into the personality traits of the environment around them, in the USA there's limited options to even escape it with the choice of rich cities or conservative poor areas where Red Pill is mostly relevent in the former and Conservative values of which the Red Pill is founded upon in the latter. If you're in the USA, i'd highly reccomend travelling to europe for the experience and perhaps restoring a bit of hope

Honestly the idea of your co-worker even openly sharing that story with no shame is hilarious to think that she lives in an environment where she's somehow comfortable enough to do so because of the lack of normal people to check/challenge her behaviour

impressablenomad38 · 2022-08-16T05:44:13+00:00

You are self reflecting and trying to better yourself. Most people will never do thi unfortunately. I think it's best to cut yourself some slack. Personally I try to approach things like this as completely neutral and non judgemental but that takes practice. Keep working on yourself king

Egibson89 · 2022-10-29T12:52:49+00:00

Ur looking for evidence of your beliefs. U will always find them

Title	Trying to reduce cognitive dissonance, but losing faith that I have it.
Author	Jelly_Crusade
Upvotes	7
Comments	13
Date	August 14, 2022 9:39 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/wohikl/trying_to_reduce_cognitive_dissonance_but_losing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/trying-to-reduce-cognitive-dissonance-but-losing.1128036 https://theredarchive.com/post/1128036

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