Advice for highly sensitive former LVW?

extraacct1234 · 2020-01-16T11:40:15+00:00

I honestly couldn't read too much of your story because it's just too painful.

You have to feel less for men. Do not believe their excuses. He cheated because he followed his dick. That's it. He made those other excuses because he knew you'd listen. He probably planned it out or maybe even asked other men for advice on what gets good results for getting away with cheating.

You need to have an entirely different level of sympathy for men than you do for women. And by that I mean very little. You have to learn to see through their lies and this sub is a good place to do it.

I know where your at and it's hard. You can't just put all your emotions out there all the time. People will take advantage. You should ask yourself why you are so empathetic and you listen so well. People used to tell me the same thing. I also had an abusive childhood and I wanted to make people feel better but in the end it's kind of a sign of poor boundaries sometimes when you give too much. I've had to put effort into pulling back and caring less. I realized I was caretaking not just to make people feel better but as a way of getting quick intimacy with people because I didn't really know how to do it properly or slowly like someone was good boundaries. Also I would listen to people's stories that just, people who just repeated the same patterns and wanted to bitch my ear off. After a while I realized I just didn't want to hear it again. And that's okay. I was also really preoccupied with being a good person which meant self-sacrifice because part of my abuse was being told I was a bad person.

That's just my personal experience with a possibly similar situation. I think you need to take some time and interrogate why you're being like that?

Maybe you even feel you weren't given enough sympathy as a child because you were abused. So you try to give it to other people and help them and listen to them the way that you weren't. I think that's part of it for me as well.

Nowadays I just try to give it to deserving people in reasonable amounts.

hilariouslystated · 2020-01-16T13:28:26+00:00

I'm an empath as well but I just got to a point where caring more about my mental health became way more important than preserving the feelings and egos of LVM. The fact that you are nice, you listen, and can empathize mean absolutely nothing to LVM. LVM can smell an empath from a mile away. They will use you right up and toss you right out.

Some advice for my fellow empaths, you be an empath but don't shout that from the rooftops. I used to wear being compassionate, sensitive, and a great listener like a badge of honor. These are great traits to have but it makes people see you not as a human but as therapist and emotional dumping ground. These traits are easily taken advantage of my LVM, narcissists, sociopaths. Use discernment in who you choose to share that side of yourself with. Everyone you meet is not deserving of your kindness.

penelopekitty · 2020-01-16T12:05:14+00:00

I am also an empath and an HSP. I understand what you are talking about. These qualities make me very good at my chosen career, but they are not great in friendships or romantic relationships unless you can tell when to back away for self preservation.

You must learn to recognize manipulative behaviors and when people are trying to drain you of energy. I call these people psychic vampires and give them a wide berth. It is not unkind for you to do this. You must always put your won oxygen mask on first. Another saying I like is "You don't need to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."

You should always be your first priority. You cannot turn off your mirror neurons but you can development a mindful self awareness that allows you to exit these situations sooner. The key is education and practice.

crl3 · 2020-01-16T12:04:59+00:00

You're right, it is very difficult to escape what we believe biologically drives our behaviours. However, we only need to turn to things like Philosophy (ie Stoicism) to understand that there are different ways to deal with how we feel naturally Vs how we react to varying scenarios.

What I've done in the last few months to deal with overempathising is to consider:

Boundaries: think of this as being two neighbours. I tend to my house and garden; they tend to theirs. If our two properties look great side by side - fantastic, but I am not going to go cut their grass because: it's not my responsibility; I'd probably be doing it out of some sense of an ego boost surrounding being a "nice person"; they need to learn to do it for themselves. If they ask you/coerce you into cutting their grass, it's manipulative.
1. Push and pull: look at how much effort people expend into your relationships with them. Who makes effort with you? Who makes you feel good? Try to match their effort. This also applies to the way they treat you - would you have cheated on him? Most likely no, so hold him to the standards that you apply to yourself.

Lordperuchan · 2020-01-16T12:13:12+00:00

I’m in the same boat, girl. HSP and INFJ (Myers-Briggs personality test) and relate to being demisexual.

What’s your attachment style?

Researching boundaries in more depth. It helps you logically lay out where you and others begin. Self care rituals — like actual rituals where you let go of others’ stuff with love. Journaling! And some stoicism reads have helped.

Enacting consequences instead of explaining how we feel over and over—make the point, leave it.

Learning to listen to your gut about when to say NO and pull away for any reason.

We can still have our standards and exercise our self-sovereignty with empathy and grace. What are your standards? A question that helps me is: what am I available for?

I let a situationship get the best me in much of this recently with so much unnecessary over apologizing which canceled out my actual Word. Confusion means perhaps reassessment at first but persistent confusion is damaging. (My other problem is oversharing just because of where I am.)

I have some wounds to heal and triggers to look at... day by day we exercise our strength. Don’t be afraid to redefine silence and use your posture and body language more to speak for you too.

Lead with your crown.

madamejesaistout · 2020-01-16T14:49:32+00:00

There's a difference between feelings and action. No matter what trauma or upbringing someone experienced, they still make a decision on how to act in a new situation. And you make a decision on how to react. You can empathize with a LVM, and still choose to block him because his actions are not in line with what you need from a partner.

Snowlamp · 2020-01-16T12:23:50+00:00

How do I retain the gift of empathy whilst not letting myself be taken for granted by LVM?

I am working on exactly this right now with my therapist!

I've excused away a lot of unacceptable treatment from men in my life, after all hurt people hurt people! They must have had a hard childhood/bad relationship/trauma... they must be feeling worse than I do to behave like this....
but I end up worse off than them in the end. I need to show myself some of that compassion too!
So no more people pleasing and codependency for me, and this is why I am here!

What I am mainly doing with my therapist is acceptance and commitment therapy. I've had years of therapy, this is a new one and I am feeling so much better, hopeful and stronger.
This is the best thing I've tried, and it acknowledges that one of my values is being empathic.
And hanging around here is also reminding me of my worth and of what I deserve!

FraidyCat00 · 2020-01-16T15:01:37+00:00

empathic boundaries / codependent traits

I recommend reading more about boundaries between empathy/empath traits and codependency. That is not to suggest that your self assessment of being an empath is incorrect or to invalidate this in any way; the reading includes valuable tips on how to help build or refine boundaries, thus helping to squash out taking caregiver roles with LVM.

2020-01-16T17:19:49+00:00

I'm an empath. I have tried reigning it in because this one time when I worked at Disneyland, a child was lost and crying... And I ended up crying with them making it worse hahahaha You aren't helping by joining them in their pain. In my case, I probably made the kid more scared because an adult was just as worried.

Title	Advice for highly sensitive former LVW?
Author	Lordperuchan
Upvotes	39
Comments	28
Date	January 16, 2020 10:22 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ephjgk/advice_for_highly_sensitive_former_lvw/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/advice-for-highly-sensitive-former-lvw.684710 https://theredarchive.com/post/684710

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