Checking up on me?

powerline2500 · 2020-08-03T20:51:31+00:00

Say nothing. Just block him everywhere. He meantwhat he said. He just wanted the potential of low effort sex. But that was possible. Now he doesnt want to put effort into it because regular sex is off the table with you going away.

Then he realized he didnt have any back up options to replace you, so he decided to use you for attention and to unload on emotionally.

Also the very small possibility of sex is there. And that still makes it woth it.

Move on.

szsunshine · 2020-08-03T21:02:54+00:00

Do not reply and do not give him another chance. He has already “warned” you that he doesn’t feel the LDR will work, so in his mind anything he does from now on (cheat, make no effort) is ok since he has allowed you to go forward “with both eyes open.”

Ending the conversation was the logical thing for you to do, so there is no reason why he needed to “check up on you.” Is he concerned you are so distraught that you jumped in front of a train? What was he expecting you to do once he told you “this relationship will not work” - hang on the phone and chit chat for an extra half hour?

Most likely he imagined you would beg and plead with him to try and work it out (that would come with concessions on your part on what kind of communication and effort and fidelity you could expect). When that didn’t happen, he realized he blew it.

If he were TRULY interested in you, he would not gave risked losing you.

Add to that the “unsure if he could make things work” because of his “toxic ex” and you should be congratulating yourself for doing the exact right thing.

reina_nova · 2020-08-03T22:20:28+00:00

"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." -- Maya Angelou

september-four · 2020-08-03T21:47:09+00:00

Maybe I’m paranoid but this sounds like a move to make you say “well I’m willing to make it work”. “Ok well to make me less anxious about my toxic ex who wanted my attention all the time and/or was going out having fun making me jealous and possessive, you gotta promise you will not get clingy on the phone/ won’t go out or have friends without my permission”

ChristianGirl93 · 2020-08-04T00:43:27+00:00

Look, rules aside: I know I wouldn’t lead a dude on for more than a week if I wasn’t sure I could do an LDR- if he isn’t sure after almost a month, that’s bs

penelope_eleven · 2020-08-03T21:51:24+00:00

I actually am not sure on this one. Depends on the wider context of the relationship and what he’s like.

I think anyone can get scared, especially if they have been burned in a similar situation before, and want to talk that through...but ideally to MAKE A PLAN.

So is which thing is he doing:

Actively looking for solutions to the LDR issue and taking responsibility for making it work but voicing a fear to you (which is reasonable vulnerability)
Telling you the LDR isn’t going to happen (in which case it isn’t going to happen! & you should believe him)
Worst option IMO: dumping his insecurities on you and expecting you to figure out how to fix it for him

If it’s #3 def run! If it’s #1 he’ll show it through his actions.

The best LDR advice I ever received is that a LDR should have a clear end date, clear expectations, and a plan. AKA “we are living in separate cities for the last year of grad school and then we are both moving to city X, in the meantime we will [insert plan to see each other and spend enough time together]

I had an LDR that was no problem for about 3 months during a work project that required temporary relocation. That man flew across the country to visit me 5 times during those 3 months, at his own expense, and texted me all day every day, etc.

Any other time a relationship of mine went long distance it fell apart, personally. So you may be better off anyway.

thinkingupagoodname · 2020-08-03T21:51:53+00:00

Thanks for the replies - I guess I was tempted to reply because he was really a HVM before this. Now I’ve realised its a waste of time and energy to be honest, I just hope he works through his own trust issues.

AfraidofFollowers · 2020-08-04T19:42:35+00:00

Silence. Don’t put more emotions into him. There is nothing left to feel.

Title	Checking up on me?
Author	thinkingupagoodname
Upvotes	19
Comments	10
Date	August 3, 2020 3:14 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/i2ysyx/checking_up_on_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/checking-up-on-me.721132 https://theredarchive.com/post/721132

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