Daddy issues, how it affected you. The thing about family is they set the tone for what's FAMILiar, so we unconsciously gravitate towards that "comfort". Like when I was a kid, I could watch the same movie over and over and never be bored. What was familiar to you? How did it affect you?

vilettevignette · 2020-08-02T18:14:17+00:00

The words "Daddy issues" are just used by men to gaslight young girls instead of holding their fathers responsible for being shitbags. It's misogyny and a way to blame women for the faults of men in their lives.

manisfestationqueen · 2020-08-02T18:29:25+00:00

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VioletRomantic · 2020-08-02T19:39:39+00:00

I've talked a lot on here about how abusive my father was. And I think it really, really, really shaped the kind of men I've dated and my own agency (or lack thereof) in my relationships. All of my LTRs have been deeply abusive in a lot of the ways I was familiar with growing up. Ive always bent over backwards for men, even men i dont really like. Giving everything and asking for less than nothing in return because I didnt feel like I deserved it. A few weeks ago I genuinely thought that I would be LUCKY to wind up with a man who maybe occasionally showered and only hit me sometimes, and that even that was asking for a lot. But that was honestly better than I have ever actually had.

My father prepared me for a lifetime of abuse, and I honestly don't think that it was accidental or an unconscious thing. He didn't qant a family, hated his life, hated his family, and took it all out on us. He taught me that no matter how hard I try I will never be good enough for anyone, but that if I dont give 1000% of myself it will get so, so much worse. He taught me that I dont deserve for anyone to love me, and that my entire existence was just a burden, and that the world would be better for those around me without me in it. He taught me that all of my needs are stupid, that I am stupid, that my interests are stupid, and that unless I am making money and doing things for others I am worthless. He literally primed me for any abusive man to just waltz right up and take me, because I was taught not to put up a fight. He had me fucking fighting for scraps of affection from the time I was in preschool.

And honestly, fuck all of that. I'm estranged from my family now and completely NC with any of them. I deserve so much better than that shit, and I will never tolerate it again. Not for one single second.

princessskittyxoxo · 2020-08-02T19:30:56+00:00

Let's see. My dad was mostly emotionally unavailable but would have scary like..rage attacks sometimes. He definitely had some childhood trauma and saw things during his time serving in Vietnam. He came across as sociopathic sometimes. I have a bizarre memory of watching Scream 2 with him and my older sister at his house during our visitation with him. It was our thing to always order Chinese food and rent Blockbuster VHS tapes. Anyway, at the end of the movie there's a scene of a guy getting shot to death by dozens of shots fired from two people. My dad found these scene hilarious and rewinded it about 10 times to keep watching and laughing hysterically at this guy being violently killed.

Despite him being like this, he could have moments of being really funny and kind to me. He always gave me hugs, kisses, and told me he loved me altho I didn't experience those things everyday since I didn't live with him. So it was like breadcrumbs of kindness and affection. I had a tendency to date and become attached to emotionally unavailable men who aren't religious [my dad wasn't really], show breadcrumbs of attention/affection/kindness, and have sociopathic tendencies by abusing me in any and every way and just seeming to be immune to my pain.

jayda92 · 2020-08-02T21:14:52+00:00

My biodad is like a pubescent child. I was raised by my responsible stepfather who happened to be friends with my biodad. So I was raised with two fathers; who each have their own unique traits. They share their disdain for women, including my mom and me. My mother is a case of itself so I had to deal with 3 parents with a manual. Men in my family yelled to and joked about women. Women in my family usually find something to do during the day (drinking/shopping with friends/getting cosmetic surgery etc.) so when they're home they can play slave to their husbands wishes and demands.

I was always told and taught how to behave so I could get male validation. They slutshamed me when I did, though. I looked like a 18 year old when I was 11 so I was set-up for a lot of (sexual) abuse.

My parents loved me very much and we're upper middle class so I was treated like a princess. It was like a golden cage. I broke out at 14. We're on very good terms. But I had to fight for myself very early on. Had a few long but abusive relationships over the course of years.

letmebeyourocd · 2020-08-03T02:41:45+00:00

I recently went no contact with my mom and dad (they’re still married), because they abused me/groomed me for abuse, and I need to teach my inner child what is okay to tolerate vs what isn’t from people, in general, not just men. It’s rough, not gonna lie, but I’m steadily improving day by day, and that feels really good.

turktink · 2020-08-02T22:28:19+00:00

Mine was in multiple unhealthy relationships/marriages. I adore my dad, but when it comes to healthy convo about serious issues, a lot of times there are walls built up... and that results in anger... just like my husband. When my first stepmom told me that they were divorcing, I told her that their relationship taught me the importance of communication. I was 17 at the time. And guess what I did when I got to college? Got into an unhealthy relationship turned marriage that I’m still in almost 12 years later. I didn’t start realizing how “broken” I was until a few years ago. I have learned so much about myself and what I want for myself. I feel so much resentment because I wish I truly understood what a healthy relationship is years ago. But I refuse to allow myself to live like this any longer.

2020-08-02T23:33:34+00:00

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fairywakes · 2020-08-03T06:02:29+00:00

Right there with you. My dad checked out of my life before I was 2 years old. He had beautiful daughters before me, and continued to have more children. Just disgusting.

One of the hardest things I’ve worked through is thinking this toxic thought: “if the person who created me into existence doesn’t even love me, why would anyone ever love me?”

Stings to this day. I’m only 22, but this is something I actively push myself to work through almost every day. You have to be painfully aware of it and that YES, you are worthy.

Pretty-Bake · 2020-08-03T02:18:29+00:00

My dad was a hard worker when I was growing up. He grew up very poor, but managed to upskill and study his way into a decent job where he was able to be the breadwinner and let mum focus on raising three girls. I think he always wanted a boy, however seems to love us daughters very much and is content at having "molded" our interests towards tech and nerdy stuff like gaming and sci fi. He also clearly still loves my mother very much... And I see myself subconsciously looking when dating for the kind of affection he gives my mum.

However, he can be quite moody. Felt entitled to have mum do things for him like making breakfast when she was busy with kids. Pressuring her to return to work as soon as possible, etc. He continues to be anxious about finances, and refused to give us pocket money (I have problems now with work ethic and reward that I'm only just starting to fix) and would make us refuse money from others if we helped them with chores.

His stress and salty little comments caused me alot of anxiety as a kid. I was extra sensitive to that stuff. And he would often ask us to do things with the reason to "help your mother out" ... "Don't stress her out" .... Bro, why not just admit it's about avoiding stress for YOU! Argh lol.

Anyway because of that I was a chronic people pleaser for a long time and struggle to see myself as deserving of reward or reciprocation. But I'm slowly getting better on my journey of reflection and self improvement. Still love ya, dad!

Allaboutb1 · 2020-08-03T03:01:38+00:00

With my parents it’s all about projecting an image of “the perfect happy family”. In fact, my dad is an enabler of my Narc mother and is emotionally unavailable, at least to me. He can’t make eye contact with me and speaks to me as if I am an acquaintance. I am now the scapegoat of the family while my sister, who is enmeshed with them, is the golden child and can do no wrong. My dad also has a child from a previous marriage who no one has seen or heard from for over 20 years and who we are not allowed to talk about. Being the scapegoat saved me and allowed me to finally see through their shitty treatment. I am LC with them and haven’t seen them in over a year.

thaiteabbys · 2020-08-03T06:57:27+00:00

I’ve talked about how my dad is in this sub a few times. He was pretty much a narcissist and abusive. Yeah he worked hard, provided for the family, bought me a brand new car yadda yadda ya. My mother enabled his behavior and has started to pick up some of his narc actions. He wasn’t emotionally there. Never really support my brother and I’s interests. It was always his interested and what he “thought was best”. He has bad anger issues, threatened my brother and I with a knife and chair when he got angry when I was younger, abused my brother. I could go on but you get the gist. My parents were never there emotionally so I always looked to others for love. To this day , I don’t know what love is and it seems so weird to me whenever someone shows that they care or they “love me”. But now , I don’t give any f*cks. I’m still trying to find a good support system. With my ndad (narc dad) having anger issues , I always had to walk around on eggshells and I can’t stand loud voices or people talking unnecessarily loud. It triggers something in me and it brings me back to my traumatic childhood. And I’m pretty sure I haven anxiety caused from my ndad’s anger issues. So that’s great. I never learned how to stand up for myself, put up boundaries , and looked to to others for validation. But since I realized recently my dad is a narcissist and my childhood is the complete opposite of normal (even though it may be seen normal in the Asian community, it shouldn’t , it’s not healthy). This past year , I cut off friends , learned to be firm in my boundaries and standards, and stopped looking to guys for validation. I don’t really want to date. Dating makes me scared because I could come across someone like my ndad. I have so much self love and discovering I need to do. I missed out on apart of my development, especially emotional. It’s just not safe or good for me to date. I still think I need therapy and will get it as soon as I can once I’m able to move out (after I graduate). There’s certain emotions and events I can’t process myself and need help processing.

2020-08-03T23:45:51+00:00

> Now when I meet unreliable men, I get grossed out and think of my dad

YES, GIRL. That's like the "sign" of emotionally detaching from that kind of person. Proud of you, too many women never get where you are.

In retrospect, now after almost a year no contact with my whole family, I think my father was a pedophile. Realizing that, and incorporating it into my understanding of his creepiness and abuse and sociopathic behavior that I already recognized before, has now really let me step away farther from the image of myself as a sex object. The whole process of unpacking my "daddy issues" has been pretty much that; trying to see a person in the mirror instead of a fleshlight. The men out there in the world weren't making it easy, but now that I've come to carry myself in a different way, the catcalling and come-ons have literally stopped completely.

Shout out to all my ladies who had calculating/sadistic fathers - our journey is harder but, I believe, even more rewarding.

Trinityblue93 · 2020-08-18T02:32:14+00:00

Mine is a part-time parent. partly from my mother (that I no longer speak too) that uses me against him. And he never fought for me, so now we have this ruined relationship that I don't fix because I had foolishly tried to fix in the past to only have it blow up in my face. He treated me like an adult as a child and treats me as a child as an adult. So I tell him the bare minimum about my life. I've grown tired on waiting for him so I stop, I don't know if I can love him or my grand parents (his parents) because they are miserable people. I play a character for them keeping my head down until I can leave. I let go of the fantasy of us have a beautiful father-daughter relationship, we will never have that.

I think it may have lead me to being asexual because I saw how he was and the NVM that my mother had taken up with. I do want to be in a relationship and get married but if it doesn't happen it wouldn't bother me.

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