have you ever changed for a man?

Verysoftbun · 2020-06-19T01:37:22+00:00

I feel like my whole life has been changing for men, but I often start doing things I didn't know if enjoy because of it.

Got super good at typing and into computers because of a guy and it helped me in the long run and I love computers. But it didn't help me get the guy and has never interested men.

If you're familiar with the heroines journey it involves abandoning the feminine for the masculine, getting a false reward, realizing it doesn't serve her, returning to the feminine.

I feel like all the times I did something to impress a man I ended up learning a cool side skill but it took me off the road of being my most natural calm self, I'd that makes sense.

NumerousPainting · 2020-06-19T01:13:01+00:00

Yes, I think I was the classic chill cool girl in high school. I went from being this independent book worm. To crying for a boy because he didn’t care.

When you change for a guy you’re not aware of it until afterwards, at least I wasn’t.

I just tried so hard to be interesting to him. I have super strict parents so believe me when I said I made the impossible happen just to see him. Basically I did a lot. Looking back it’s such obvious desperation.

So no I don’t regret it. Partially because I forgive myself I was young and the change didn’t last for so long. I’m glad that now I have more confidence and self respect gained from that experience.

pineycitrusforest · 2020-06-19T02:55:48+00:00

I've definitely tried to be "the cool girl" at times. Also a lot of the shaving I have done has been because of men. I had a guy pressure me into shaving my armpits, for instance. Now if I shave anything it's because I'm feeling it and my legs haven't seen a razor in years. Feels wonderful to be authentic to how I want my body to be. :)

gcthrowaway2019 · 2020-06-19T03:47:16+00:00

Did I change? Not really. I don't think people really change anyway. I can say my behavior definitely did. Lost out on a lot of bonding and opportunities that I may not ever get to have again for absolutely nothing. Never dim your light to make another one shine brighter.

throwaway64857 · 2020-06-19T04:32:17+00:00

Yes and yes.

My most embarrassing moment: when a man I wanted to impress self published a book for 99 cents that was so terrible I couldn't finish the first 20 pages but I told him it was amazing.

ChocoBananza · 2020-06-19T06:43:27+00:00

Yes and no.

I like to call that adapting, but in my teens I was the biggest pick me, but I like to think that it was low key (lol).

Examples: 1) (I was 14 at the time) I was very shy, and timid beyond belief while I was growing up. I’ve seen a guy (not even met him, just SEEN him), that was way out of my league, and I HAD to find a way for him to notice me. I did a full 180 on my behaviour, and that ‘fake it till you make it’ thing really worked for me. Because of a worthless, cocky, nationalistic brat, I became extroverted, confident and charismatic young lady.

2) (15-19 yo) In high school I discovered that I liked long haired guys, so I started listening (more like studying and memorising facts) to rock and metal, and started hanging out with people that could get me closer to them. I’ve discovered artists and songs that I listen to this day, and I’m still friends with some amazing people from that time.

3) in college, I had my first long term boyfriend, who’s major is programming, and to get closer to him, I started learning to code myself. A decade later, I have a very successful career in that field.

4) (maybe not the best example, because I didn’t change per se, but did something that I didn’t feel like doing) My most recent ex is a gym rat. I’m sporty too, but I do get lazy to exercise on my own. We started working out together, almost every day, and now my body is stronger and more toned than ever.

I’m trying to think of examples where I regretted changing for someone, but any regretful changes that I did were not for A guy, but were because of patriarchy and societal pressure. Of course, there were times when I did try to adjust my behaviour, but it went to ‘fuck that’ real quick, so I wouldn’t call that a change, just some moments I regret.

All in all, all the major changes in my behaviour/personality were because I perceived guys to be out of my league, and I wanted to improve myself to reach that ‘league’. A lot of my girlfriends did the same. I wish more men had that attitude, instead of dragging us down to their level.

Pretend-Valuable · 2020-06-19T09:30:37+00:00

I don't think I ever really changed, as I'm only in my first proper relationship now, but I did notice that when I was online dating I would kind of change my habits to match up with the guy I was talking to at the time. For instance:

He only sent one long message per day, so I only sent one long message per day

He sent many messages with lots of gifs, so I did the same

He could only talk after 11pm because of work, so I stayed up late to talk to him

Then talking about interests etc, I would somehow change what I would talk about to match with the guy.

I hadn't noticed I was doing it until recently, and now I'm with a guy who I can be totally myself with and there's such a difference!

2020-06-19T11:15:26+00:00

I changed my behaviour for a long time, but it didn't last because I couldn't keep pretending to be the person he wanted me to be. He wanted a clean lifestyle with a woman who goes to the gym every day, keeps herself in incredible shape, doesn't drink or go out and is very dedicated to the healthy lifestyle. I tried that for a few years but I missed my friends so much, I enjoy drinking (sensibly!), I love going to gigs, I love being sociable. For a while I managed to convince myself that I had just "grown out" of those things, but further down the line I realised I missed them desperately and I couldn't change that about myself.

I don't believe that regret is useful so I wouldn't use that word to describe how I feel, but it does make me a little sad when I think back on those years. But on the bright side, I have now managed to find a good balance - I still exercise regularly and eat healthy, but I also allow myself to drink beer and I see my friends whenever I want. I'm also glad I came to my senses when I did, it was awful leaving a 5 year relationship with someone I cared about so much but I'm really excited to one day find someone who enjoys the same things as me :)

Title	have you ever changed for a man?
Author	gasienicazosica
Upvotes	19
Comments	16
Date	June 18, 2020 6:01 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hbjozw/have_you_ever_changed_for_a_man/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/have-you-ever-changed-for-a-man.696649 https://theredarchive.com/post/696649

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