HELP! Polyamory + HVM (Long, but I really need help here)

rainbowcatsurprise · 2019-12-23T22:19:58+00:00

I have never seen polyamory work out for the woman. Never ever. What good is a HVM if you want marriage and he can’t give you what you want? Also you can argue that this HVM loves you and his wife equally but there are only so many hours in a day. You are automatically splitting his affections with his wife. So he might be a HVM but you’re only getting half a HVM and I’d rather try to find someone else than to settle with half a man.

NoThisIs-Patrick · 2019-12-23T21:59:52+00:00

None of us can answer that question for you.

But, in my experience, you can't be okay with something you aren't okay with. IMO you're only setting yourself up for perpetual disappointment.

I think polyamory is stupid because I am monogamous. I have no desire to fuck other people when I'm in a relationship, and I expect the same of my partner. I don't understand people who want to sleep with more than one person, and I don't care to. That's that.

nruthh · 2019-12-23T22:10:21+00:00

[deleted]

LuxSimpleJoy · 2019-12-23T22:46:14+00:00

Based on the last paragraph, I think poly is your shield from the potential of being hurt and finding true intimacy. It’s not easy to date as a single mom (I know). We all have baggage. Divorce is common. We all worry if someone is out of our league.

You’re investing your time and emotions. When life is good and easy, that’s fine. A man who has someone else can’t make that same investment in you. That will always become more apparent when life is rough.

Saitschik · 2019-12-23T22:30:32+00:00

Why do you want to marry? To be the number one? So there is still a hierarchy? If it works for you so perfectly I see no reason to pressure for marriage.

You could leave him and look for marriage but since you date quite unconventional I doubt you'll find a lot of men willing to marry and be poly at the same time.

Even though a lot of men like the idea to be poly for themselves very few are okay with their wife being poly as well..

nruthh · 2019-12-23T22:34:31+00:00

I'm not going to get into the poly thing at all, but I will say this:

We can't ever get married. And I want marriage.

So, tell me. Am I settling?

If you compromise your heart-wants so that they align with the limitations of a man or his situation, then yes - that is the utter definition of settling.

You have to think long & hard about what it is that you want. And if marriage is something you deeply want, you don't need to justify it, talk yourself out of it, or settle. He is not the only HVM you will ever meet. If anything, you can see his role in your life as a necessary gift of perspective, thank him for teaching you what a good relationship feels like, and move on.

idiosyncraticg1 · 2019-12-23T22:59:42+00:00

If it works for you keep doing it. You are still seeing other men at the moment. I would keep seeing multiple people (including the mentioned guy) until you find a HVM who is ready for marriage.

Vespe50 · 2019-12-23T22:23:34+00:00

Polyamory makes no sense! There are plenty of people you can connected with, if you continue to fuck others you will find a better match with another man, and your man will find a better woman, this will never end. He will fall in love with other 10 women. What sense does this make?????

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nruthh · 2019-12-23T23:07:03+00:00

[removed]

take1990 · 2019-12-29T16:41:06+00:00

I’ve read your posts on this thread and would genuinely recommend therapy. There’s major self-worth issues, and it sounds like you’re putting him on a pedestal for basic decent human behaviour.

Title	HELP! Polyamory + HVM (Long, but I really need help here)
Author	nruthh
Upvotes	4
Comments	37
Date	December 23, 2019 8:40 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/eeq7o0/help_polyamory_hvm_long_but_i_really_need_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/help-polyamory-hvm-long-but-i-really-need-help.694913 https://theredarchive.com/post/694913

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