How do I process a “relationship” I had with a 35 yr old man when I was 18-19 ?

YarikEnterprise · 2020-05-07T08:59:38+00:00

This kind of thing can be a real mindfuck. When you're younger you're riding that 'yeah, he's right, I /am/ mature for my age' high, and it's only when you get older that you take a step back and realize... Holy shit.

That girl is not your friend. She's still actively engaged with someone who took advantage of you, and is sweeping it under the rug. She doesn't get to unilaterally decide that you're still friends. Just like romantic relationships, friendship requires consent from both parties. She is not healthy for you to be friends with right now, and her being in your life is just going to make processing your way through this harder.

As someone who went through a lot of abuse when I was younger, an exercise I find really, really helpful is to reframe the situations that happened when I was younger as if they were happening now to a girl of that age who I cared about. I have a niece, so I think about her being that age. You might think about a daughter, or a little sister. Imagine that girl you care about at eighteen, having the types of conversations you did with a 35-year-old man. Imagine it playing out at nineteen for her the way it did for you.

I find framing it in this way can help me approach my younger self with compassion, love, and understanding of her youth and the people who took advantage of it.

ironymaiden87 · 2020-05-07T09:30:42+00:00

First of all, that "friend" of yours is toxic. Cut her out, and therefore you'll be cutting that terrible guy out of your life too. Next, find a good therapist. You might have to try a couple before you find the right one, but it will be worth it. You have a lot to work through but in the end it will all be okay. You will have learned a lot from the experience. You already sound like a mature, sensible and strong person and good on you for leaving that asshole. I was also taken advantage of by an older guy when I was young, these fucking perverts are everywhere unfortunately. None of anything that happened is your fault, it's all on that grownass man who should have known better.

Iamthegirliam · 2020-05-07T09:59:30+00:00

Well, he preyed on you. You are young, maybe felt the need to be nice. He was a piece of trash and you have every right to hate him and be mad at him, but you shouldn't let this overpower your life. Have you told him what a piece of shit he was?

Also, I'm only six years older than you but I remember that there were tons of articles regarding men manipulating and preying on women. They would cover stories of women being in relationships with manipylative men who would destroy their self esteem, and then treat them like slaves. I don't see them (these articles) now to be honest and that's what bothers me. This should be wildly discussed topic and every woman should be aware of this.

ValorTrash · 2020-05-07T17:01:20+00:00

How old is your friend? If she's your age, it sounds like she's being manipulated and groomed too.

That being said, unfortunately, if she's refusing to listen and it's altering your well-being for the worse, you know what you have to do. Maybe one day she'll see the situation for what it is.

As for the processing, I had almost this exact same situation happen to me. I was 18, he was 34. Now I'm just into my 30s and more disgusted with the situation than ever. When I see a teenager or young 20-something, they look like children to be protected and mentored, not sexually involved with. Blech!

It comes down first to assigning blame where it belongs: On him. He was a fully grown man who knew right what he was doing.

As women, we are taught to be everything, and among those things includes mature ("for our age"), caretakers, and cheerleaders. Any grown man preying on teenage girls automatically hits all those notes because if he wasn't helpless and had no sense of self-worth, he wouldn't be going after women so young, and the simple fact he is so much older makes us feel "mature."

Secondly, you are only 20. You are going to make a lot of mistakes in life, some which will be primarily your fault, others (like this one) which will be the failure of the fellow adults (like this man), family, friends, and society around you.

You younger women are doing many interesting, great things that make me so proud of you, but you have done yourselves a disservice by making it trendy to define yourselves by mistakes, mishaps, and misfortunes.

Don't dwell, learn. Don't cry, strengthen. Level up as you get older, heal, and help other women who are in the place you once were.

Jinxhourglass · 2020-05-07T14:40:04+00:00

You need to cut her off because she could be relaying everything you’re telling her in confidence to the predator.

herbstzeit · 2020-05-08T04:01:18+00:00

Cut both of them off-- block him, block her. It's not worth your mental energy.

I had a couple of older (mid-twenties) boyfriends before I was 20 and they were not worth the energy. I deal with anger from it still, once in a while, but put your energy into something else. He doesn't define you. Your friend is likely being groomed too, but if she doesn't believe you, and will not listen, she's not worth your friendship or support either. It's not your job to make other people see your truth.

Be there for yourself first.

TradcatAlice · 2020-05-08T00:02:03+00:00

He was abusive, he was manipulative, and he is trash. You need to cut both him and her off.

2020-05-08T01:43:06+00:00

Do you have access to therapy? That could help.

Honestly the rest is just time. Cut these toxic people from your life. Invest in yourself. Get an education. Find some hobbies you love. Try to get eight hours of sleep a night. Eat a balanced diet but don’t deny yourself treats either, enjoy sweets and junk food in moderation. Try to get some form of exercise 2-3 times a week for at least 30 mins. Get your heart rate up. It can be anything. Explore your options until you find something you like. The gym isn’t for everyone. I ordered a pair of rollerblades and I rollerblade around the park near me or my neighborhood. Still do, just with my mask and social distancing! This may sound like odd advice, but taking care of your physical health is an essential foundation for healing your mental health.

Take time to reflect and journal. Explore your feelings. Analyse, without shaming yourself, what led you to make the choices you did. It will help you from repeating the same choices. Think about what a healthy relationship would look like to you and write that down. But more importantly, think about what a healthy relationship with yourself would look like, and what kind of person you want to be, to yourself, your friends, your family, and what your goals in life might be. Don’t set anything in stone, be flexible. You have time to explore - your whole life, in fact.

Hope this helps.

Title	How do I process a “relationship” I had with a 35 yr old man when I was 18-19 ?
Author	sun4finger403
Upvotes	82
Comments	10
Date	May 7, 2020 4:40 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gezylh/how_do_i_process_a_relationship_i_had_with_a_35/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-i-process-a-relationship-i-had-with-a-35-yr.676773 https://theredarchive.com/post/676773

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