How do I stand up for myself?

siberiansummer · 2020-05-07T20:59:01+00:00

I went from a quiet nice girl who was afraid of conflicts to assertive unapologetic woman. It takes nothing but practice. There are no shortcuts really. I had a job where I was bullied by everybody. When I left I told myself: never again will I let people treat me like that. My next job - I would speak up. Even if it's awkward quiet remark - you need to say it. It gets better as you start doing it more. People choose the path of the least resistance. When you become an obstacle they will rather avoid you. And trust me - they learn rather fast who is not to be messed with. Also, stop apologizing unless YOU really fucked up. Don't apologize for people's misfortunes or when they try to put the blame on you. Life becomes easier once you learn how to stand up for yourself

2020-05-07T18:44:09+00:00

Start to see yourself as someone valuable. When people are bugging you for favors/emotional labor remember that people aren't owed access to you. I have all the men in my phone on "do not disturb" bc they don't deserve instant access/responses from me.

Not_LouDobbs · 2020-05-07T19:12:59+00:00

I understand completely. This is the environment I was raised in: that it's a female's job to understand and support everyone else around them, particularly the males. As a child I was not really allowed to have my own thoughts or feelings, my experiences were always invalidated and so I gave up pretty early on and honestly believed that my only worth was serving others and how much I could 'people please'. As I got older this terrible and unhealthy point of view was continually validated and reinforced by family members remarking 'what a nice girl, what a nice young lady' I was, even how proud the family was of me- but I was dead inside and had lost all idea of who I was and what was important to me. It is awful way to live and I totally get what you say about feeling like a burden for just needing basic things [emotionally, in my case], because those that supposedly love you the most were unwilling or unable to provide.

IME, what really got me to stop is learning what boundaries are and how to establish them and enforce them. This was so scary and so radically different than how I ever lived my life, particularly with my family culture. You are supposed to respect and obey your family and family is first, and everything for the family and to start staying NO and start not being agreeable and available to everyone was a HUGE change that took years of practice. But once I started continually maintaining boundaries that respected myself, I was able to move on to healing other parts of myself. Good luck to you!

valsavana · 2020-05-07T20:09:08+00:00

Letting people use me and abuse me, take credit for my work. I'm aware that I do it, but it's one of those spur of the moment things

Practice, practice, practice- practice saying "no", practice standing up for yourself, practice confronting someone who took credit for your work. Roleplay with a friend or relative so the words actually come out of your mouth and you're familiar with the feel of them for when it's time to really say them. Then practice deliberately using them, particularly "no"- don't wait for someone to ask you for something, then think about whether you can or can't do it, then try to use "no". The pressure will be too high and you're more likely to give in. Instead, decide ahead of time if you're going to say "no" by regularly checking in with yourself and your energy level (or "resiliency" level, as I like to think of it)

Tomorrow, wake up and check your energy/resiliency level for the day and the rest of the week. Are you stressed? Have you been sleeping, eating, and hydrating adequately? Is your hygiene and the cleanliness, health, and safety of the environment around you at acceptable levels? Are you expecting a lot of work or stress in the day/rest of the week ahead? If any of these areas of your life are not up to par, make a choice right there- "I am making myself a priority today/for the rest of the week. If anyone asks me for something that is not a matter of life and death*, I will say 'no'." That way, when someone's giving you their "can you do this for me because..." spiel, you don't even need to listen. You can just be working out the specifics of how you're going to turn them down (I wouldn't recommend making excuses because that can just turn into a debate as they try to convince you that your reasons aren't good enough- remember, "no" and "sorry, I can't" are both complete sentences)

*Literally, they better be "I just got shot and I need you to drive me to the hospital"

2020-05-07T19:28:40+00:00

I used to be just like this. I think the most important thing is being fully aware of the fact that you are under no obligation to please anybody. You haven’t signed a contract where it says you have to treat people a certain way. Starting to say no will also immensely boost your self confidence!

timeknife · 2020-05-07T20:20:47+00:00

~* I’ll post the same comment that I put for a similar post *~

You learn to internalise this mantra:

“What’s in it for me?”

This might seem selfish, but only because you’ve been raised to think:

“What can I do for them?”

It will take practice, and if you can’t afford a therapist I recommend you read some CBT workbooks so that you can adjust your thinking through your actions.

I would also highly recommend reading through the FDS handbook. It’s linked in the automod, which would have been the first comment on your post

💙

DaneShook · 2020-05-07T22:46:48+00:00

First off, I commend you (and all of the ladies in here) for being self aware and taking that first step. It’s awesome because so many women haven’t started until much later in life (which is fine, it’s not a race). I’ve seen women I love waste years being doormats and have nothing to show for it in the end.

In my experience, it is a conscious decision and effort everyday to get up and choose me. Look at your inner being and outer being and love on you enough to set boundaries. When something/someone doesn’t feel good to you, reject it/them. They may try to make you feel bad for standing up for yourself. Acknowledge/beware the tactics but stand firm on the principles you are building.

You may lose a couple of people but my motto is: “You don’t have to like me! I love me and that self love will always outweigh the opinion of others. I’m not sorry.”

ethnicallyabiguous · 2020-05-08T00:22:31+00:00

Sis I’ve been there too. Valuing yourself first starts with getting the material and help you need. You have exhibited very codependent behavior in your life. You probably learned this as a survival method when younger.

Please read the recommendations on the FDS handbook for codependency. I personally liked codependent no more by Melanie beatie. But also find yourself a local suppprt group like codependents anonymous. CODA offers zoom meetings multiple times a week for COVID restrictions.

Love sis, be well!

Title	How do I stand up for myself?
Author	batschka-
Upvotes	46
Comments	14
Date	May 7, 2020 6:31 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gfc8u6/how_do_i_stand_up_for_myself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-i-stand-up-for-myself.676752 https://theredarchive.com/post/676752

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