How do you crush the crush?

2340000 · 2020-11-14T14:04:05+00:00

The strategies start with you. You have to want yourself more than you want a man. A guy can't be great but also have red flags🤔. It doesn't work that way. You need to give yourself rules and abide by them. Do not make excuses for yourself. Rules can be:

No dates after 7 p.m.
I will listen the moment my instinct tells me something.
I will leave when someone stops investing. ...etc.

Sounds cliche, but you need to practice that. The best way to triumph over toxic attachment styles from our childhood is to learn to be okay with not having it at all. That could be a man if he's LV. Your dream job in a toxic office environment. Milk if you're lactose intolerant. Learn self discipline.

Start small. One of the things that helped (when I was dating) was having conversations OLD. I had a lot of matches and with each text interaction, I got better with cutting men off. I never met them, but vetting starts with that.

NotSoSmartChick · 2020-11-14T15:19:27+00:00

One thing I do is play the relationship out in my head. I was crushing on a guy, but I went over everything he’d said with a fine tooth comb and then thought about what it’d mean in the long term, and that broke the spell.

For example, he said he wanted to take me paddle boarding, but he never brought it up again. So, I thought about if that was a pattern, what other empty promises would there be?

He made a throwaway comment about how his ex wife (married 20 plus years) was really wild. So, I took that to mean I’d be expected to spend my life trying to one up her, never mind the fact that they’d met when they were in their early 20s, and now we’re approaching our 50s. I’m too old for that shit.

It was clear I’m rich, he knew the building where I have a vacation residence doesn’t have anything sell for less than $800k. He was always trying to boast about how well off he is. At first, I thought it was so I’d think he was worthy and not a mooch, but I realized he was trying to compete with my dead husband, and I wondered how long before my wealth gets thrown in my face.

Then, he said he eventually wants a specific breed of dog and a small RV to travel in when he’s retired. I played that out long term - I don’t want the responsibilities that come with a dog, and I think I’d be miserable after a year on the road. My goal is very different. I know if I gave up on my goal to accommodate him, I’d eventually grow to resent him.

So, basically it took a few weeks, but I eventually snapped myself out of that crush. Most men, I’d be able to block and delete at the first red flag, but this guy was a doppelgänger of my first serious boyfriend, and seeing him takes me back to being 21 and in love for the first time. That was hard to get past.

strainedcrow · 2020-11-14T15:06:07+00:00

For me, if they're attractive I have huge difficulty letting them go. Some people are magnetic regardless of being HV or LV. The only way I move forward is to ground myself. I feel like infatuation comes from an ungrounded place. The mind just takes off running and fills in the blanks just because we're somehow attracted to them. Or we give them excuses for their red flags, especially if subtle. I personally just have to remind myself that there is someone better. There's soooo many people out there. No way a crusty LV man who happens to have a gorgeous smile is going to be the best I can get. I know there are other people who I'll have an even stronger attraction to because I physically like them AND they respect me, value me, etc

MakeURegret · 2020-11-14T17:36:18+00:00

Focus on their bad qualities, whenever you’re getting that feeling.
Save them in your phone as their worst quality (e.g. it’s not “Kevin” it’s “Never bought me flowers”)
Multi-date, multi-date, multi-date.
Focus on leveling up your life more, add more activities to your life, take on more responsibilities, etc.

I found that I crushed on/got attached to a lot of guys, because I wanted something they had. Whether it was a better car, job, salary, neighborhood, social life, etc. And I thought by dating them I would get that thing. But that’s not true, I only got access to that thing, it was dependent on me dating the man.

So right now I’m working hard to level up my life so that I have all those things for myself. So that any man that comes into my life is an added bonus. And so as soon as a red flag pops up I’m not sitting there hemming and hawing. I’m not sitting there going “he seems to have started taking me for granted, BUT I really want to go to his friend’s epic birthday bash next month - so I guess I’ll just deal.” Instead it will be “my friends do epic things all the time - forget this loser who’s started taking me for granted.”

Dontstopmenow2021 · 2020-11-14T18:35:44+00:00

[deleted]

fireforestfairy · 2020-11-14T15:49:30+00:00

I totally get what you are talking about! What you're going through is normal. Just be aware of how having a crush will cause you to view a guy in a biased manner (as in the sense of overlooking his flaws). Try to look at him in a more objective manner. I find myself being able to think more objectively when I write things down.

Dontstopmenow2021 · 2020-11-14T20:16:44+00:00

Out of sight, out of mind. That's the only way. You have to find the strength in you to cut it off abruptly and permanently. That's the hardest part.

But there's good news - everyone is replaceable. Everyone. For every man there will be a bunch of better ones. Just keep your standards high and don't compromise.

Title	How do you crush the crush?
Author	Dontstopmenow2021
Upvotes	75
Comments	25
Date	November 14, 2020 1:46 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ju25m3/how_do_you_crush_the_crush/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-you-crush-the-crush.733467 https://theredarchive.com/post/733467

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