How to forgive yourself?

AquaRetro · 2020-03-06T14:42:48+00:00

So many of us have been there. It takes a while to get over decades of social conditioning. Things to remember:

1) You were doing the best you could at the time. You didn't know what you didn't know.

2) The past does not exist in the world. It's gone. It only exists in your mind if you let it. Redirect your attention elsewhere if you find yourself thinking about your crush.

3) You are in the 1% percentile of people who reflect upon themselves, seek self-awareness and are *doing something about it*. The older I get the more I realize how rare that is.

So when you get into a space where you're ruminating on the past - again, that no longer exists - focus on your present and all the amazing things you're doing for personal growth. You're becoming a better person for you and for society. You are an inspiration.

2340000 · 2020-03-06T14:28:12+00:00

One day at a time. What helped was researching my trauma. That was always my first priority. I discovered I was in fact abused as a child, emotionally manipulated by parents, and possibly living with high functioning ptsd. I mean I graduated from an top college with honors, so what could go wrong? Lol everything.

I'm 23 and I feel you girl. You don't have to be what you once were. Yes it is embarrassing, but you're not an abuser. All you did was show desperation, it's not a crime. I think it's okay to long for love, but we cannot ever recklessly act upon our longing for love. Operative word being reckless.

Another part of this is the sexist narrative about what women should be doing. All this crap about making the first move, lowering expectations, paying on dates😒. Nah sis, we're evolving. Those narratives are symptoms of gaslighting. En masse psychological manipulation. Resist the status quo.

Learn and grow. Just be a friend to yourself. It comes with time. You don't learn anything unless you've experienced it.

2020-03-06T15:21:12+00:00

Accept that whatever happened had to happen to get you where you are now.

I am almost 30, you're younger, which means you figured it out sooner than I did. Good job!

There isn't really any reason to be embarrassed because it's not like anyone is going to remind you that this happened. If they do, it's because they have some issue of their own.

Everything in life is practice. You don't hate yourself for having a hard time learning some basic thing in school that you now understand easily. (The subject I struggled most with as a child, I graduated with a degree in in college. But I don't feel guilty NOW for having struggled in the beginning.)

If you catch yourself feeling shame sit with the feeling, let yourself feel it, don't try and run from it, eventually it will dissipate. Try doing this without thinking of the memory attached to it. Just allow the feeling.

A couple phrases I like to say to myself are:

"Do what you can until you know better, then do better"

"The tools you used to survive aren't helping you thrive"

And

"A wizard is never late. He arrives exactly on time." (That is to say, don't beat yourself up for not behaving in a way in the past that you only now know is a problem. You couldn't have known then.)

TheWordLilliputian · 2020-03-06T14:27:25+00:00

I would say time.. but that’s a given. I think doing better for yourself in the future is the ultimate. You don’t necessarily have to forgive yourself as you didn’t do anything “wrong.” There were just better options and decisions that you didn’t know you could make. I’m 32 (maybe 33 or 34 I lost track lol). And only recently discovered all this last year. Girl if I knew what I know now, I wouldn’t be in the mess I’m in. But you can only grow. My heart feels different, my mindset is different. Although I still struggle to make ALL the decisions this sub supports? I know the results of it from what everyone has experienced and I hope to be 100% with no doubt soon and get to that level too for myself. I actually regret not being with someone I chose not to be with (bc of my ex), and I NEVER have had regret over leaving or not choosing someone. He is a HVM like no other. But I didn’t know about this way of thinking till too late.

But bc of this sub, and if I knew it just 2 months earlier, I’d be in the place we all want to be in for a relationship. So grow, is how you can forgive yourself. Change is how you can find better for yourself and never repeat the messes we brought ourselves to.

throwaway23004345 · 2020-03-06T14:34:11+00:00

We all make mistakes. Society recently has conditioned us to be pick mes because men are so lazy and entitled. They us to do everything (pay for dates and ask THEM out). You just have to forgive yourself and vow not to make the same mistake again.

Most men are awful, don't bend yourself like a pretzel for them.

Fatt3stAveng3r · 2020-03-06T17:21:29+00:00

I am just so proud of you for coming to this knowledge now, so early, as opposed to some of us *cough* me *cough* who did in our thirties.

Use that cringe to propel you forward. Read all the associated materials linked on the page, and learn! Your past taught you a lesson. That is valuable.

coconutcurrychicken · 2020-03-06T18:26:17+00:00

I’m 32 so older than you, just be thankful you’ve been educated as early as you have!

Throughout my life, I see time after time where I unknowingly implemented FDS and was better for it, but got lots of shit from other people. There were also times when I was a pick me, approached men first, and paid for dates. You live and you learn.

There is HEAVY pressure today for women to do the asking out. To be soooo confident that you’ll just march up to a man, see if he wants to fuck, and go on your way. There’s a lot of pressure to give men a “chance” and not to expect them to have manners, clean up after themselves, have careers, or be stable. Lots and lots of memes and conversation about how you need a train a husband, how men can’t be expected to do minimal housework, how women “do it all.” Let’s not also forget that women are heavily judged for being single, and you have a recepe for disaster.

So basically we are working against the current cultural narrative. We are swimming upstream. The ideas we present here, which have been the basis of dating for so long, are now seen as radical, sexist, outdated folklore. You have to forgive yourself for following the narrative because it’s impossible not to. When you know better, you can do better.

asoww · 2020-03-06T15:52:54+00:00

Write in your journal, make detailed lists about what you need to forgive yourself for and why, give all the good reasons, be your best friend and write with honesty and compassion to yourself. A journal is an amazing tool, poor all your feelings with love and a tender look, try to tame your internal bully.

Radtron3000 · 2020-03-06T16:31:38+00:00

I think cringing about it is important. You will forgive yourself, but you should embrace whatever feelings of aversion to past poor behavior you have. It's also not going to come over night that you're suddenly HVW. Just keep at it 🐝

2020-03-06T14:22:23+00:00

Therapy. At the very least follow some therapy minded pages on Instagram. I personally love thebraincoach. I turned on post notifications so I can read her posts as a daily reminder to work on myself.

prettyexcitingnews · 2020-03-06T18:19:22+00:00

I’ve been there done that. Acknowledgement goes a long way. And you already did. Once you acknowledge your mistake, you can now consciously make efforts not to repeat the same mistake.

I know, easier said than done, but for real. Be conscious on what you do and know your worth. Thinking back, all the pickmeisha things I did was because I did not put myself first and know my worth.

You’ve got this!!

Title	How to forgive yourself?
Author	Eevee36
Upvotes	60
Comments	13
Date	March 6, 2020 2:12 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fee0gj/how_to_forgive_yourself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-forgive-yourself.693311 https://theredarchive.com/post/693311

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