I don’t know how to escape BDSM

whokilledhydra · 2020-12-07T22:16:26+00:00

I recommend therapy, finding new communities, and seeking new knowledge to refute and rewire your previous frame of experience.

Childhood experiences are formative and enduring, so also give yourself lots and lots of time. Even if you feel like giving up, take a break instead, until you can continue again.

The part of you that is softly questioning your current BDSM community is asking to be listened to and given space. Don't shut it / her down.

RiverofSouls_ · 2020-12-07T22:19:38+00:00

Sadism and masochism are disorders. You need to see a therapist. I also used to think it's normal to have these kind of fetishes but it isn't. If you like pain/degragation it's probably because you think you deserve it. Now I'm not a psychologist but this is usually the underlying reason.

Your body releases endorphins to block pain so that makes you feel good, this part isn't the issue. It's biology. The issue is that pain is a condition of plasure for you. It shouldn't be.

_mooness · 2020-12-08T15:47:26+00:00

Absolutely, 100% been there. It’s more common than you’d think. It took me months to reprogram my mind. I still find myself fantasizing about degrading and painful sex, but it’s become less frequent with time. You can do it, but you have to do it in a healthy way. Guilt will make things worse. It was programmed into you, so it can be programmed out.

1) Stop using porn. If you have to use something try taking pictures with your partner if you have one, I take pictures of my girlfriend (with consent of course).

If you don’t have a partner, and you can’t masturbate without pictures/videos then

2) Stop masturbating for a while. Once you give yourself a break, and you become re-sensitized to sex it will be easy to masturbate without porn.

3) Start reprogramming your mind. Start viewing bdsm as a gross, pathetic, and disrespectful thing. You might have to fake it till you start believing it. I told myself over and over again that disrespect is not sexy, it’s unattractive. Degradation is not hot, it’s pathetic and gross. Once I started associating bdsm with negative things I truly began to see it for what it was.

I was brainwashed into thinking masochism is a natural state for women to exist in. I was pressured by society to not only accept violence against women in the bedroom, but to view it as a positive or even beautiful thing (as you know, in the bdsm community indentured servitude and masochist/sadist dynamics are spoken of being highly intimate and unique). This is a good thing because if you were brainwashed into believing something, you can un-brainwash yourself lol.

There was one more effective thing I did to help me see bdsm for what it was...

4) Humor. Honestly, read the way these dOmS talk about themselves. It’s actually hilarious. They’re usually old, wrinkly, fat, bald, pathetic slobs with shrimp dick. NEWS FLASH: there’s a reason why they’re into bdsm, because it’s the last place they can coerce women into liking them. Most of these dudes have been rejected by women on every other platform. Bdsm community is the last place for these reject NVM to get pussy. I’m a StRiCt MaSTeR, I wAnT a SlAvE tO sErvE mE 🥴 ok dude, do you realize it’s 2020 not 1620? Wtf? Wtf is breath play even?? You want me to count out loud every time you hit me with your belt? Why?! Most of these dudes don’t even take the time to learn tasteful shirabi. You’ll just walk out of there with rope burn and a pain in your ass.

Anyways, sorry for the long winded response. You can do it, I have faith in you! Bdsm is fucking stupid, and raw, passionate, sensual, safe, consenting, primal sex feels way better.

Kimpractical · 2020-12-07T22:28:23+00:00

Therapy will help, and continue to read the handbook/FDS. The more you associate BDSM with LVM, the less it will turn you on and the more you will desire actual love and romance. And yes, it will definitely take time. Go easy on yourself. If you are addicted to porn, there may be relapses and that’s okay, no need to beat yourself up. Keep a record of dates when you last watched and how many days were in between. You will see the days in between get longer and longer. If you feel the urge, try to do something else to get the energy out, like exercise or some other hobby. I suggest something like kick boxing, something to get the frustration out. Good luck!

SnooEagles9138 · 2020-12-08T18:02:33+00:00

Actually, I was always very proud to be into BDSM from the age of 15,16 up to 28. I never thought much of it.

At one point I started therapy - unrelated to BDSM and it never came up during those sessions. But after two years of therapy, my desire for BDSM vanished. Turned out, that my former low self-esteem, self-hatred and depression were actually quite intervened with my sexual desires.

But I was still watching porn from now and then - relieving your sexual stress with porn is healthy right? Well, every time I watched porn, masturbated, and orgasm from it, I noticed, that I would feel gradually worse about myself. Not shame, but rather the need to get degraded for no apparent reason. This was the moment when I realized who much porn had shaped the view of myself as a woman. No, I don't have the inherent desire to be degraded, but with repeated watching of porn, it just got reinforced in my brain.

I guess it also stems from whacky family background, I started watching porn when I was 9 too and I guess your parents were as indifferent as mine. Furthermore, a liking for BDSM doesn't always have a healthy background, in my case, it was truly a mental disorder that caused this.

So in conclusion, please try to get to a therapist and try to avoid porn. It is an addiction, there it is hard to stop - I know this from experience.

gingerwabisabi · 2020-12-08T19:12:12+00:00

Fast forward to now and I’ve never orgasmed, and I only get turned on by pain or being degraded.

May I suggest that if you haven't orgasmed, you don't really know what turns you on? Having been obsessed at one point with a certain type of BDSM and enjoying the endorphins but also feeling exhausted and drained afterward, I realized eventually it was simply me being a minor drug addict - I was addicted to my own self-made endorphin drugs. The stuff I read to get off also made me squicky feeling afterward. I was super super extremely over-sheltered as a young person so when I got free I was trying to ExpLOre mY SexUAlitY but I've started to look at kinks as being either fast food or heroin of sex, depending.

Focusing on the fundamentals of sex and really learning to let go and get into a flow state with pleasure is far more rewarding and doesn't leave me feeling drained, even if I have multiples upon multiples.

I'd suggest that rather than focusing on denying yourself something, focus on replacing that thing with something BETTER.

man-in-trash · 2020-12-07T22:19:46+00:00

I’m glad you’ve found this community and made this decision. It’s not a community I have any experience with, but maybe therapy would be a good start.

Maude2010 · 2020-12-08T23:44:42+00:00

Therapy. And be gentle with yourself. If you were watching porn at 8, you were failed by whoever was supposed to be raising you. It’s not your fault. Forgive yourself for being into BDSM and then you can try to work on moving on from it.

VeronaMoreau · 2020-12-08T17:49:31+00:00

I'm working on this now. My situation is different because I only really liked the softer sides. But what I'm realizing is that in distancing myself, it's not kink that I miss; it's the community.

I miss hanging out with the friends I had from the community. I miss the physical touch that comes with things like being a rope sub or with certain sensory deprivation play scenes. I miss being able to release responsibility and feel safe the way that I did when I played as a little. So now I'm trying to find other sources for those feelings.

And my subsection of the community was one that people would call very good. We did not allow race players at all. Anytime that somebody was found guilty of assault they were exiled. But even still, so many people in the community are there to exert power over somebody else and that was something I could no longer be a part of.

Title	I don’t know how to escape BDSM
Author	Whatever28273
Upvotes	58
Comments	14
Date	December 7, 2020 10:08 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/k8qpfg/i_dont_know_how_to_escape_bdsm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-dont-know-how-to-escape-bdsm.328199 https://theredarchive.com/post/328199

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