Lessons from LV relationship Part 1: I learned why you should never tell a man about your trauma the hard way. Don't be me.

sandzak_bih · 2021-09-24T22:46:38+00:00

THIS. I told my LV-Ex about my trauma because I honestly thought that I can trust him. He created that feeling of safety. He also told me his secrets and I thought it's good if he knows everything about me too. He broke up with me in the worst way (he didn't actually break up with me - I found out he was already engaged to someone and that he was just playing me). Now comes the worst: After a few months I met this woman as she found out he cheated on her. I told her that he lied to me all the time about being single and I found out that he told her all the stuff I told him about my past & made it seem like he was with me bc he felt sorry for me. Honestly never in my life have I felt so stupid and embarassed like in this moment. After this I never want to trust a man again. By the way: She stayed with him tho 🤡 I don't have a boyfriend right now but if I ever have one again I plan on not telling him too much. Sorry for any mistakes, english isn't my first language.

dembar126 · 2021-09-25T00:11:33+00:00

Telling a man how shitty other men have treated you will not make him think "oh wow this princess has been treated so poorly by these gross men, I'LL go above and beyond to show her how a real man should treat her!"

It makes him think "Damn, this girl has been treated poorly by all these men.. well I empathize with men more so they must have had a reason to do so. She's probably not fit for a real relationship so I'll give her the bare minimum which will look great in comparison to what she's used to, then I'll get a steady supply of sex from her until I'm ready to dump her and find someone who doesn't have baggage."

valeriantincture · 2021-09-25T00:16:27+00:00

I'm new and starting to realise my ex was a LVM. I told him about my trauma really early on in the relationship and I definitely think he used it against me, even in smaller insidious ways. He didn't need to gaslight me into thinking everything I did was a trauma reaction, because I did that myself unfortunately. But I think it gave him the opportunity to see me as a victim who was helpless, and didn't have standards for how I should be treated. I also think that him knowing about my trauma (I'm a victim of CSA) was the underlying reason he would make jokes about how cute, diminutive, helpless I was.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2021-09-25T01:43:08+00:00

I have had an extremely traumatic life but I don't share with anyone. I learned this from having my trauma used against me in the past, not just by partners but ny work colleagues and friends.

miaumiaoumicheese · 2021-09-24T22:38:22+00:00

I have really really traumatic youth and I have never told anyone anything cause i have always knew that no one cares about it but will use it when they will need it, man will look for any even small problem or imperfection you see in yourself and will try to use it against you, it’s important to tell every woman that their personal traumatic stories just won’t bond them and their boyfriends and they only risk another harm

Now my fiancé know about everything cause he proved he is worth telling him and I don’t regret telling cause he never came back to any of this topics to accomplish something, I didn’t even thought about it as something special about him till I started reading your story

machiavella_89 · 2021-09-25T13:57:46+00:00

This post is spot on and it needs more upvotes. Ladies, even if you're in a committed relationship with someone you trust, be careful about how you disclose trauma. Before giving any details, pay close attention to their reaction when you mention you've experienced trauma. Watch for red flags. Do they seem eager to hear the details? Do they press you about it? Does their behavior toward you change in any negative way?

When I told my ex husband I'd experienced trauma (without giving him any details, thank God), he became oddly gleeful and eager. He kelt bringing it up on the fly. He said "I don't like to think of people being mean to you, but I want to understand what they did and how it affected you."

Even deep in my pick-me slumber I saw the red flags. Downplaying actions that traumatized me as "being mean." Wanting to hear the details of the abuse to "understand me better." Hell no.

When I told my current husband the same thing (no details, always vetting) he thanked me for trusting him, told me he loves me, and said we can talk about it anytime I want and to let him know if there's anything he can do to help me feel better. No pressing for details. No weird, gleeful curiosity.

Also idk if it's in the handbook or not, but everyone should check out the posts on the "blood in the water" test. That's an excellent way to vet for "trauma diggers" who will try to use your past against you.

lostmillenia · 2021-09-25T02:41:34+00:00

This post is amazing.

ello-motto · 2021-09-25T15:25:37+00:00

The only person you tell your traumas to is a licensed therapist who you can sue and get compensated a shit ton of money for if they break the confidentiality agreement and mistreat you due to the trauma.

insurrectionaryINTJ · 2021-09-26T00:11:07+00:00

This is good advice OP and is why I don’t tell men about my trauma or insecurities. Back when I had male friends, I would make up insecurities and casually sneak them into conversations. And guess what, all of them eventually used my fake insecurities against me, some blatantly, some more covertly. It’s funny when they think they’ve got you but have no idea they’re being played by the coach. That’s usually when I know they’re trash 🗑

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