This post is really to organize my thoughts and sort of seek support as I process things. Any advice or support or similar experiences welcome. 💕

A few months ago, I left my LVX who cheated on me and constantly demonstrated a lack of concern for me overall. I've been dipping toe in the dating pool recently and I've been seeing someone who I considered to have HV qualities, but the more I spend time with him the more I'm realizing that he is missing a lot of the HV qualities even my LVX had. This has sort of made me realize that even LVM can have HV qualities and I'm getting a hit worried about the chances of actually finding an overall HVM. So here are the HV things about my LVX that I'm missing:

  • He was very particular about hygiene. He was well kept, clean, smelled nice, and always made an effort to fix his hair and beard for the day, even of not going anywhere.
  • He was well dressed and had a sense of style. When we'd go out, he'd wait for me to get dressed and then pick something that matched what I was wearing, and almost always dressed nicely (polos, button downs, etc.)
  • He would always rinse off in the shower if he got sweaty during the day for any reason (gym, sex, yard work) before going to bed.

Now this new person I'm seeing, while he has HV qualities regarding how he interacts with and treats me, is missing these things. He doesn't put much effort into his appearance and once when I was washing my face before bed he made a comment that "I never wash my face except in the shower." It felt weird that he was kind of touting not having a skincare routine? That's not something to be proud of, buddy. Also I allowed him to stay over once where we had sex that got a bit sweaty and I told him I was going to take a shower and he did not do so with or after me, saying "I don't have my shampoo here." Note, I put my hair up and only washed my body. Also, even if he knows he may stay over at my house, he doesn't bring a comb for his hair in the morning or a toothbrush or even a fresh set of clothes, which really bothers me. He asked me on a dinner date to a casual place once and I dressed up nicely but still casual passing and he wore a graphic t-shirt, which was scene appropriate but I was just disappointed that it didn't seem like a dinner date called for other attire than any other date in his mind.

I spoke to a friend about this and she said "you should just tell him." Um? I'm not his mom, I always keep an extra toothbrush and toothpaste and things to fix my hair in my gym bag in my car in case I end up needing them, and if I know I'm staying somewhere else for sure, I always bring my skincare items and a fresh set of clothes. These are basic hygiene and self upkeep things, I don't feel like I should have to CoMmUniCate that basic hygiene and upkeep is important - those things should be important to him without me saying so. Also, I don't feel like I should have to ask a man to dress nicely when we're going on a date, to me that's common sense. Is this just me?

It's just hard to navigate when people have HV qualities but are overall LV, it feels like a total lost cause sometimes in looking for someone who has it all. Anyone have similar experiences?