Not being fully informed and consent

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-02-11T17:59:14+00:00

He no longer had feelings for you when he told you he wanted to be polyamorous. I had a boyfriend who told me it wouldn't matter to him if I had sex with someone else. At the time it was like a slap in the face. I knew it meant that he didn't even have any feelings for me. Wish I had dumped him then.

viell · 2021-02-11T19:16:06+00:00

Oh and I also wanted to add, your relationship lasted 8 years which is a very long time. Because you had so much history together he found fertile ground to exploit your trust in him, which is a terrible thing to do to someone. If he didn’t love you anymore that’s fine, but that doesn’t make him entitled to lie and manipulate you. He could have treated you with respect and tell you the truth.

I completely understand how you feel, I was cheated on in my ltr, and I’m not going to lie to you it’s hard. The earlier you go no contact with him the better, for yourself.

viell · 2021-02-11T18:58:01+00:00

I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Please know that even though the shame you feel is a normal reaction it is not yours to bear. You did nothing wrong, you were just manipulated into it as many women are 💜

MagikalWords · 2021-02-11T21:51:32+00:00

You're definitely not wrong. He deceived you into going ~polyamorous instead of breaking up with you so he could find someone before ending your relationship. This is disgusting.

Also, about your mutual friends. If you want to keep them you should tell all your mutual friends your story first, so he won't poison the waters with his "my ex is crazy, poor me" babble. I'm not sure how much it is really worth the trouble if they are going to the length of blocking you before trying to hear your side. They don't seem like great friends. I know it's ridiculous to have to expose yourself like that, but it might be your only option I think if you want them around.

I'm really sorry you're going through that.

krissycole87 · 2021-02-11T23:37:58+00:00

but when I try to tell him

- stop

Your eyes are open to what really happened and you are not wrong. Time to take the life lessons you learned and jet. Dont look back. Dont try to discuss it with him. Dont try to get closure from him. It wont happen. You dont need closure from him to move on. You dont need acknowledgement from him to know you are right. He doesnt deserve a single second of your time anymore. Not a word. Not a single thought floating around in your head. Nothing. Dust yourself off and move forward, you deserve it.

spinsterchachkies · 2021-02-11T21:35:03+00:00

No you’re not wrong in the way you feel. This is what I call sexual exploitation, something I think a lot of men have no problem doing to women. They lie all the time to get sex and often brag about it.

This is abusive because it was done through manipulation. It’s best to learn from this and seek therapy so you can most past it. Sexual exploitation is a valid reason to be upset. Men know exactly what they did wrong, but they will never admit it to the one they exploited (their victim)

He used you for sex, knowing he was going to end the relationship as soon as he secured another source of sex which is why he opened the relationship. You did this believing you both loved each other and he lied saying your relationship was secure when you started to suspect something was wrong to keep you on the hook until he was ready to monkey branch to the other sex “resource”.

This is not your fault. Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed of yourself, it is on him. It’s a challenge to find a woman that hasn’t experienced some form of sexual exploitation by a man to some degree in her life it’s part of the female experience sadly.

UmmmHiHello · 2021-02-11T19:39:41+00:00

❤️ you're not wrong in your feelings

I want to give you a hug

I'm so very sorry that you experienced this

It was and is manipulation and abuse

volcanic_equation · 2021-02-12T01:43:52+00:00

Ouch, really sorry this happened to you. I always wonder when I hear stories about polyamorous relationships, what percentage of women are truly in it for themselves.

Unfortunately, I think the large majority are pressured into it by their partners, and they give in due to low self esteem/ fear of being alone.

The good news is that you don’t have to waste another second giving yourself to a guy that didn’t appreciate you. Stay strong 💛

biggestsigh · 2021-02-12T03:20:40+00:00

but when I try to tell him he acts like I am crazy.

Of course he does. He doesn't benefit from admitting that he's a shitbag. Stop trying to get something from him when he has clearly decided he didn't do anything wrong. I'm sure if you look back on your relationship this won't be the first time he's shut down your feelings. Now all you can do is block him and put him in your rearview mirror. Then do the work to heal.

Don't feel stupid. You forgot to trust yourself when you knew something wasn't right. It happens to the best of us. You need to practice self-forgiveness. You deserve to forgive yourself for not putting yourself first. Remember that you are the main character in your story. He's just a shitty side character that won't matter in 6 months.

Pull the focus away from him and onto you where it belongs.

daisy_0720 · 2021-02-12T15:01:21+00:00

What he did to you is monstrous. You know it, and everyone here is confirming that. You are not the problem here. He's a manipulative, lying, cowardly user who took advantage of your love and threw it back in your face.

Do not abuse yourself by indulging in blame and shame. He's abused you enough already. Part of healing and self-love may include cutting certain mutual friends out of your life for good. It will certainly involve going no contact with your ex. Stop worrying about being 'right' or trying to make him see your point of view. He doesn't want to know and he doesn't care. And if your friends are willing to disbelieve you so easily, they are not worth your time either. It's YOUR thoughts, feelings and beliefs that matter. Surround yourself with supportive people who love you unconditionally. Read FDS and know that you are not the first woman this has happened to. Take solace in the stories of women who have survived and thrived after similar adversities. You will come out of this better and stronger. This man will be the same loser ten years from now.

Title	Not being fully informed and consent
Author	pitiful_cherry
Upvotes	97
Comments	20
Date	February 11, 2021 12:04 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/lhjcei/not_being_fully_informed_and_consent/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/not-being-fully-informed-and-consent.740112 https://theredarchive.com/post/740112

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