Thinking today about my office experience.

While I saw misogyny from men on some points. I also felt very judged by other women with internalized women.

I was sitting with a group of older women and it’s like I was expected to hedge my words and be so circumspect to even be considered polite in their mind.

Like if you’re making a complaint to your boss or something it must be done in such a round about, whittled down way that it’s almost a mere observation or slight shruggable suggestion.

If I’m presented with something truly unacceptable and say “that’s trash” looks are exchanged, pearls clutched etc.

There was so much judgment on whether you’re a good person based on whether you performed femininity and submissiveness in speech.

I notice the men, even lower level men from the mail room where allowed to curse and swear loudly as much as they fucking pleased and it was even considered cute or funny or endearing for them.

But for me to use the term cover your ass without spelling out a-s-s like we’re 5 was problematic. Like they cringe at the word and you’re considered a little rude and asshole-ish.

Like a whole judgment was made about you as a woman as not being friendly and being a little rude if you were more straight talking then they liked and not bowing or hedging your words and language constantly.

Actually rather sexist.

Like to use language that was very straightforward and no. nonsense was almost taken like you see their face turn and they almost kind of want to “get you in line” like a child or something.

Weird really and a little lame. It’s like you’re doing too much/ outside your place if you’re not modeling the language of the powerless or the language of servitude basically

You’re not cursing anyone out of even getting in verbal arguments with people or saying anything rude or confrontational to anyone but I realized that’s how it was judged. Like maybe you say- oh shit when you drop something. That’s not you cursing any one out. In fact, that’s not even directed at anyone but there would be furrowed brows and great umbrage taken

I actually had one older woman who had a problem with me for no reason who was trying to recruit other women to hate me. The first rumor she spread about me- well i just curse! Wasnt true but still- like….ok?! That’s not against the rules there. We have attorneys you can hear on calls dropping F bombs left and right out their office all day, they’re so loud with it. Believe it or not it did work to get me looked at as funny and I noticed the other women started bringing up stories about it- as a way of indirectly reprimanding me on it once I overheard her going around saying it. Now suddenly people are coming to me can you believe x person allows their kid to curse and looking me square in the eye pointedly

I nearly fucking 40. I’m not anywhere near being anyone’s damn child nor was my speech inappropriate in anyway, but I was being kind of strong armed and corrected on it

If I’m having a personal call on the phone and they hear me call something stupid etc not even knowing the context- you’re being judged as “just so rude! and such a nasty person”

Like confirmation that’s youre a little rude if they felt your language was too raw or unhedged and you would literally be spoken about among them like your rudeness is a fact even though you hadn’t actually done anything offensive and may’ve even put your back out a great deal to help others

They were demanding performative feminity in speech and basically cold shouldering out anyone who didn’t play that game or meet that standard. Like a form of passive bullying

I was basically judged and sidelined/ bullied as so rude and a bitch just because I didn’t smile enough for their taste or speak in the soft tentative hedging manner they found correct. I was basically pushed out socially and an effort made to marginalize and punish me- for not “being nice”. Although, I’d been incredibly kind about helping others do the work etc and really there was nothing unkind or inappropriate that I had said to anything they could point to. I didn’t curse either

But to say something is stupid or an awful idea in personal convo with my family or just be point blank

It was all just a smug angry, arms crossed- Well we don’t like your tone

Eventually the woman mentioned above started going to each of the older woman calling me a Bitch, and retarded etc as recompense for “being so rude” to her. She later admitted to HR Id never said it down anything rude to her but I didn’t speak as much as she like and that made her “feel angry and rejected.”

The irony is these older women didn’t see any issue with her raving about me to them as a bitch and retarded and even making mental health slurs so loud about me, I ended up hearing them. She was never considered “so nasty or so rude” by them, but I was based on things like not smiling or being chatty enough. Even when she was eventually disciplined on those things they all continued to maintain she’s such a nice/ good person. Such a nice person was the phrase I kept hearing over and over when I complained about her openly calling me a bitch and an autistic retard.