Raising high value sons

oliviasmoon · 2021-07-27T14:08:43+00:00

I grew up with several male siblings and guess who was responsible for cleaning up after them? I grew to resent my parents and in particular my mom, she worked outside the home to help sustain her large catholic family. I discussed this resentment with her when she had my youngest male sibling. I told her to not raise another imbecile of a male. I told her to raise him like she raised her daughters. And guess what? My lil bro is a HVM in the making. He does really good in school. Does all his laundry. Helps my mom with dinner and dishes, then does his H.W. During vacations he works with my dad and still does his own laundry.

BBQCoolRanchQueen · 2021-07-27T16:18:27+00:00

The best way is through demonstration and if you have a husband, he has to be HV for this to work. Who generally does the housework? If he sees mom running the vacuum, hunched over the sink doing dishes, folding laundry, scrambling to cook dinner while dad comes home and puts his feet up after leaving his muddy workbooks on the carpet, he's going to assume it's "women's work". Who attends the parent teacher conferences or runs them to the doctor? How are the chores divided among children?

I have 2 sons and a daughter. They all have chores and responsibilities that switch each week (except our 3 year old, he's a little young for that aside from picking up his own toys and putting his clothes in the hamper). My husband and I, I could comfortably say do a 50/50 housework arrangement. We do housework at the same time and everything is done in about a half an hour or less. No one puts their feet up until the housework is done. He takes an active and equal role in parenting. He models healthy communication for his step daughter and step son and our bio-son. They're surprised at how "laid back and easygoing" my husband is because their scrote bio-dad couldn't communicate without screaming, throwing things, or using physical violence, threats, and intimidation.

Another note that I know we here are already well aware of; daughters are not free babysitters nor a stand-in mommy. I was the eldest and forced into an early motherhood role. It fucked with me for ages. I had to miss school when my younger sisters were sick and couldn't attend school. I haven't seen many sons "volunteered" for that position. Hell, my mother voluntold me for being her friends' free sitter, saying that families reciprocate when they're poor, and that my babysitting got my mother beer as a reward, which in turn buys her happiness and myself sanctuary. House parties were pretty bad because I'd be saddled down with about 10 kids under 10 and have to keep the house in order, and she told me that she's preparing me for marriage because this will be my life until I have daughters. I currently pay my oldest son (12) to babysit our youngest once in a while, and when my daughter (currently 9) is old enough to babysit, I'll pay her the same only if she wants to babysit in the first place, and only for an hour at most. No way would I use her as a source of free labour and strip her childhood away from her.

Long story short; equal labour division and chore assignment in the household, HVM role model if you choose to get married, equal opportunity for sons and daughters.

pathalienation · 2021-07-27T17:16:39+00:00

Something I forgot on my other reply but so important it deserves its own anyway:

With little sisters, cousins, etc: no exchanging physical affection for… well, for anything. Physical affection is not transactional. Example: I’ll give you this muffin if you give me a hug- nope!!

pathalienation · 2021-07-27T15:34:53+00:00

I break it down into forming them behaviorally, emotionally, and socially.

Behavior: - I learned healthy boundaries and show my kids in example and discussions. - I hired behavior specialists who showed me how to reward for good behavior rather than punish for bad behavior. This is super important because of privilege/entitlement. For example, they don’t automatically get a $600 phone and phone plan. They earn that with basic behavior expectations and if they fail to meet them, then they do not earn their phone that day/week. It changes the perception of entitlement and builds self esteem via earning. Same applies for things like wanting to have a later curfew- can be earned with good grades, etc. - For awareness and accountability, I have my sons answer daily/weekly: What did you do this week to contribute to the environment in your home?

Emotionally: - Frequency of this one depends on which teenage boy of mine (they’re in different places emotionally) - Daily or weekly, I ask my sons to discuss in some depth: How did you show empathy today? - They are aware of resources like AlAnon (for family and friends of alcoholics/addicts), therapy, workbooks for teenagers on boundaries, etc. They are free to choose to engage or not. - I have attended trauma therapy for years and they have seen my example and progress. They see the healthy way I manage my emotions and advocate for myself when I need self care. - I openly discuss emotionally unhealthy people in their lives when it doesn’t impact their important relationships. For example, sociopath Dad is someone for them to discuss with therapist not me (long story on why that’s best), but my brother’s wife’s brother is a perfect person to discuss- he makes my kids uncomfortable with how mean he is, but he’s not close enough to my kids that they are trying to compartmentalize that they are also desiring a relationship with him.

Socially: - I talk to my sons about one thing daily/weekly from FDS. - I take my boys and their friends to movies like Promising Young Woman. - I point out items in the news or movies that they see, particularly patterns in violence against women, and how Harvey Weinsteins of Hollywood work so hard to normalize women doing all the labor and “he’ll change.” - I regularly use FDS vocabulary such as emotional labor, build-a-man, high and low value behaviors/people. - IMPORTANT: I praise them when they are HV and talk about the wonderful ways they express their masculinity.

Edit: - I also coach them through fair dating expectations and call them on LV behavior with their girlfriends. - I don’t have any HVM in their lives but I do point out and praise HVM behavior anytime I see or hear of it. I think that’s super important, that they don’t feel ashamed to be men or doomed.

Any_Indication_2754 · 2021-07-28T00:45:51+00:00

Single mom to a 7yo boy and his older sister. It was a battle in the beginning because their dad kept trying to alienate them from me. They used to call me by my first name instead of mom. It took a few years but they respect me 100x more than their dad. I responded to their repeated insults with "is that what YOU really think about me?" I've also avoided anyone else who disrespects me in front of them. Clear boundaries and immediate consequences. I talk to both kids, but when I want my son to do something I'll use as little speach as possible. He's better at tidying up his spaces and communal spaces in the house than his sister is. He doesnt appreciate his classmates acting up during school. I think the biggest risk will be his peers later in life. Boys need a to-do list and a purpose to keep them engaged.

Delicious-Scholar · 2021-07-27T13:53:08+00:00

Search the chat. There have been some posts and excellent comments on this topic.

jp2117515 · 2021-07-28T02:11:38+00:00

My sons are teens now and my oldest is off to college in a few weeks and I’m so proud of both of them as people. I’ve raised them all by myself since they were three and six. Their dad lives out of state and has regular but minimal contact. Holidays and summer stuff. I got my shit together as a person and focused on my own growth and my career first. I had to lean on family when they were little so I could do that. I leveled up so that I could provide for them. I got them involved in whatever they were interested in and I supported them but not in an over bearing way. They saw me socialize with my friends - we would often cook out or go to friends houses and have dinner or watch games - adults hung out kids hung out. As they got older I worked that Nextdoor app like Kris Jenner and found them work mowing grass and doing moving jobs and whatever else I could get for them to get them working and productive in the community. My oldest is going off to college and he knows how to do basic wiring, yard work and carpentry now. All without his dads influence. I’ve found there’s a lot of great men in my community that are happy to show kids how to work and do things like that if you seek them out. They see my work ethic and they respect me for it and they emulate that. I’ve never felt sorry for myself and I’ve never shit talked their father infront of them and I date in private. I don’t bring rando dick into my house around them. My house is their home and I’ve always made them feel ownership of it. They love to have their friends over and I’ve gotten to know who they hang out with. I see the character of the people they hang with. Basically you have a relationship with your sons. You are intentional you are genuine and you are supportive. The other thing that they see is their LV father and they see what that’s like. All I can tell you is set the bar, set the example. They will follow. But you have to get yourself straight and live what you believe. The rest kind of just falls into place. Definitely worth it.

Ironsculpture · 2021-07-27T19:34:32+00:00

It's not as much within your control as you think. Males of young ages are easily influenced and their friends and culture often shape their personalities/beliefs. Also porn is basically everywhere, inescapable and ruins the male brain. I know mothers who have raised their sons properly with responsibility and morals and they still turned out to be aggressive losers with behavioural problems.

Title	Raising high value sons
Author	slowoceanic
Upvotes	139
Comments	10
Date	July 27, 2021 1:13 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/osml0v/raising_high_value_sons/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/raising-high-value-sons.794850 https://theredarchive.com/post/794850

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