I lost my virginity to a fwb. I always valued my virginity and always told myself I wanted to be in a relationship with someone before I lost it (i’m 20 btw). So me and this boy start texting for a minute, we agree to hang out and he comes to my place. We end up messing around and it doesn’t get too far. It’s the next time we hang out I find myself going a little farther than I was comfortable with. But, I never said anything about my discomfort to him. I was into it too so I don’t blame him for that, i guess it’s on me. I was a virgin and never been in a serious relationship before, I should have known to communicate better but I was just nervous and didn’t know how. my fault.

Fast forward probably 2 more times of hanging out and it’s to the point where he’s on top of me sticking the tip in. at this point i’m mad at myself for letting it get this far but it’s whatever. I don’t let him go all the way in even tho he keeps trying. I use my hands and take his dick OUT of me probably around 8 times. I said no out loud probably around 8 times too. but i’m also still kinda into it and making out with him. maybe he wasn’t taking me seriously bc of this? but it’s whatever I still don’t completely lose my virginity that night. But I remember after it happened him saying some slick comment about how “he kept trying to push it in but it’s like there was a wall there” and in my head I was like ?????? maybe it’s bc I said no 8 times ????? I told him its bc i was a virgin and kept it pushing.

At this point you’re probably like ok why didn’t you just stop hanging out with this guy. But when I tell you I didn’t realize in the moment what was going on. all the guys i’d ever messed around with were always pushy so I was used to the behavior. I thought it was normal. and I started talking to my “friends” about it and how I wanted to text him saying he was making me uncomfortable, wrote out a whole message and everything. but my friend tells me we’re “adults” and that I just need to talk to him in person. I still wish to the day I had just sent that text. but that’s besides the point lol also my fault.

So fast forward to the next time we’re hanging out. i start the night off VERY clearly by saying “we are not having sex, i cannot have sex” he says ok that’s cool. keep in mind at this point he knows i’m a virgin. so we’re watching a movie and start making out. he tries to finger me, i move his hand away like 5 times. HARD. a few minutes later i feel a finger slip into me anyways. whatever i guess, i get into it. and then it’s the whole tip ordeal allllllll over again. it’s 8ish (maybe more) times of me pulling it out and saying no, the whole time in my head going back and forth about if i’m ready or not, knowing i want to wait, until i’m finally tired of resisting and honestly confused and convinced and i’m like, “i want to but i’ve never had sex before”. no hesitation on his end or nothing. no “are you sure?” he just said i’ll be gentle and i said ok. is it stupid of me to assume anyone else would care about me enough to make sure i’m completely comfortable and ready to have sex for the first time? like was it naive of me to want that? all i know is that i couldn’t shake the thought from my head that, “if this person just respected me a little more I probably would still be a virgin right now.” but I could have stopped it if I wanted right? and I kept messing around with him after the red flags (although I didn’t see them as red flags at the time) right? I continued to see him for months after that and thats a whole manipulative story in itself lol and i’d say every time after that was pretty consensual but the first times always rubbed me the wrong way. I can’t help but to feel like I was not being respected and that I was coerced into having sex that night.