Stop being a NVM saviour

katiekat0214 · 2021-08-28T06:01:01+00:00

There are a number of low-level, low-effort ways to stop this in its tracks, and run off a L/NVM, with minimal energy expenditure:

1) When they want you to be their therapist, you may get lured into this the first time. To you, it's just chat, sharing conversation... to them, they're using you. Notice it, then the next time you're together, bring up a low-level item you've been going back and forth about, or better yet, make one up. This accomplishes a number of things: will he problem-solve without asking, or just listen to understand? will he store the info and use it against you later? dismiss your concerns and turn things back to him? resist all efforts to comfort at all? Now you know. One or two conversations is all it takes.

2) Treat his parents as his business only. Be kind; be civil; be polite, but never mediate or negotiate. I find having go-to, all-purpose statements help a lot: that must be hard. Sorry to hear that. What are you going to do? What's the solution? Turn everything back to him, with the implicit assumption that his problem-solving skills are of course up to the task. Offer no ideas of your own unless asked explicitly.

3) As for children, all I can say as a childfree woman is I'm not ever raising anyone else's children. The men I've chatted with online all seem to want to dump their offspring on someone else, and go gallivanting off to work, party, whatever. Yeah, big no thanks to being a step-parent, one of the most hated roles in all of Western civilization. I'm older, so any man with kids would have to have his own house. That whole living apart together thing solves a number of problems with users, in a very quick, cut and dried way.

4) Be the source of your own peace, and tacitly demand he be the source of his own peace. I have found when you assertively walk a peaceful path, people who are naturally dramatic either don't see you at all (and invisibility is a blessing), or they are attracted to your peace because they don't have it, and want it desperately, so they try to co-opt you into their life. Quite often these people are narcissists.I believe this is why narcissists are so attracted to empaths: we are genuinely good, kind, caring people. Narcs are also attracted to introverts, who they often see as mysterious and alluring, but they cannot comprehend liking and needing to be alone, often confusing it with loneliness.

5) Quite early on, do some kind of power move and see how he responds. It doens't have to be over him but if you do, make it a joke or a comeback. What works for me is simply just living my power, being confident, doing my own thing, not fawning, allowing room passively in my life for someone, but not being a needy, wanting Pickmeisha about any man. There's massive power in not being needy or even in wanting someone, and if menopause has taught me anything, desire can't be manufactured out of thin air.

I_know_right_AS_IF · 2021-08-28T16:02:32+00:00

During our breakup, my ex mentioned how I don't make enough effort in the relationship because I essentially wasn't his therapist. He was upset when I wouldn't probe him for more info if he was feeling sad. He told me he legit has depression and anxiety issues. I kept urging him to go to therapy! "It doesn't work for me!" Ok?! Then what am I supposed to do?!? One of my biggest peeves is people who won't help themselves!

He was having self esteem issues too, and I said I could only do so much on my end to make him feel good about himself, but that he needs therapy to help his issues. He ran crying to reddit saying that I refused to help him and said he needs therapy!

ashcantcatchabreak · 2021-08-29T04:08:43+00:00

If you don’t go along with the acceptable script, that women are the caretakers of society, it’s amazing the backlash you get. Men and women both become furious and disgusted if you don’t comply. Do it anyway

spectacledskeptical · 2021-08-28T19:17:47+00:00

This reminds me of a male "friend" I had years ago who would use every opportunity to dump his emotional problems onto the female members of the friend group. He would constantly message us about his mental problems, but never confided in any of the other men in his life. We all cut him off by telling him he needs to get a therapist... and he replied to EACH ONE of the women who told him this with the same kind of message- "You're right. But I'm pretty lonely right now and won't be able to get a therapist for a while. Do you want to go out sometime? I've always thought you were gorgeous." Never learned so fast that you can't be friends with men- he revealed his hand pretty quickly. We all blocked and deleted him and enjoyed our girl time without him.

feelgoodlost_ · 2021-08-30T04:34:42+00:00

Nothing will save them, they use women as bandaids and material possessions as a flex. They’re hollow and of no use forever. That much is true. Lmao

Title	Stop being a NVM saviour
Author	FarMathematician5450
Upvotes	243
Comments	9
Date	August 27, 2021 9:49 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/pcwy3x/stop_being_a_nvm_saviour/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/stop-being-a-nvm-saviour.1065333 https://theredarchive.com/post/1065333

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