I renounced hook-up culture very early on and I have this experience to thank for that. Heads up this is NSFW

A little background: I was a part of the art/music scene since my mid teens. I started playing in bands at the age of 15. I played guitar and keyboard. I was also part of a Christian commune. Due to this, I was celibate/virgin into my 20’s. One summer I filled in as rhythm guitar for a Christian Hardcore band and this is how I met Darren.

Darren was my age (15 when we met). Everyone else was in their 20’s. He wasn’t a Christian but they let him in as he was a really good bassist. Him and I became friends immediately. Even after my fill in spot had ended, we kept in contact. We would practice and write at his mom’s house. Go to shows and parties together. We formed a side project at one point. This went on for years.

Now despite Darren being attractive, I never even considered the possibility of anything beyond platonic. Probably because he really got around. He was a touring musician beginning in his teens, for fucksake. He was tall, fit, stylish. Girls/women threw themselves at him. Then, as we got older, he got really fit. He went on tour, and so did his dick. That’s all I’m saying.

Although, I didn’t particularly support his sex life, I did support how he went about it. Darren never led anyone on to think they were in a relationship or otherwise manipulate anyone into sex. I ,at the time, saw that as a reflection of his character. When in actuality, it’s probably because he didn’t need too.

A few times when we were at a party or a show, other women mentioned how “he followed me around like a puppy dog”. That, whenever I was around, he would drop all of the other women and hang out with me. But, me being aloof, didn’t see this next part coming. Being almost overly direct as Darren was, he came my house and confesses his feelings. That he always had felt this way but figured I wouldn’t go for it due to his sexual history. Blah, blah, blah. If I could just over look this “one thing” we could together and happy.

We start dating, and everything felt like a romance novel. The trope of the childhood friends that fall in love in adulthood. But, surprise, he won’t commit. We were only like 18 at this point, so I wasn’t shocked but I’d be a bullshit liar if I said I wasn’t devastated. We remain friends but started to get distant.

Fast forward, we are now in college. I have had several really bad experiences with men. I leave the Christian community I was a part of. I am convinced that my dream of waiting for someone decent to have a relationship with before having sex is never going to happen. There is only hook-up culture. I might as well rip off the band-aide and get it over with. Darren, like the fuck boy psychic that he is, immediately starts texting and calling nonstop. I’m at the beach with my a family, he asks for a picture of me in my bikini teasing that I would never wear one. I send it and he immediately replies back with a picture of naked holding his bass over his junk.

So I’m like, alright, this is my dude. If I’m just going to lose my virginity to sacrifice to libfem/hook-up culture, it might as well be with he the hot dude that seems to care about me.

We never explicitly agreed that I was coming over to do the sex, but it was implied and condoms were bought. I get there and it’s like old times. That YA romance novel vibe is in the air. He looks like he just step out of music video. We both grab a drink and talk about music and college. It’s like no time had passed since we stopped seeing each other. His parents were out of town and we were sitting in the same room we used to practice in all those years ago.

Things move to the bedroom. We’re making out. He does that weird move that some men do where they just grab your hand and stick it in their pants. Which is weird and rapey. I feel, what I thought, was a thumb. I look down. It is his penis. (Reddit, I would not lie to you, this man actually had a micropenis) That is when the record stopped in my mind. Am I really about to open myself up to possible disease exposure and pregnancy for a man who is not committed to me and has had dozens, if not triple digits, sexual partners?

I didn’t know how to communicate that the “yes” turned into a “no”. So I quickly finish him with my hand. It got all over my silk blouse and hair. It was so repulsive.

After this, his demeanor changes. He knows why I did what I did. I know why I did what I did. He is livid. We go outside to smoke a cigarette. During which he informs me that he is not looking for anything serious and I need to leave.

On that drive home I realized that I spent hours getting ready and driving just to give some shitty dude a hand job at his parents house. Is this what hook-up culture is? The answer is yes.

Within the following months, Darren groomed a 14 year old girl into a relationship. Which was, absolutely, statutory rape in our state. They got engaged as soon as she turned 18. They are still married now. One night, at a party I attended, I was approached by an ex of his. She said she was also a virgin when they got together. That he chose virgins because they wouldn’t have anything to compare him too.

Fuck you Darren