Sex without intimacy is boring and low value.

europoor24 · 2021-10-04T15:22:21+00:00

Had a friend who would try to encourage me to cheat and to have lots of casual meaningless sex while single or otherwise. She always acted like it was so much fun/nbd and that I should "loosen up", she's had countless amounts of casual sex and it's "so freeing". On rare moments of clarity she'd complain and be sad about not having ever had a relationship at 33 (not that you should go into a relationship just because), and the many problems she'd have with lvms who would use her over and over again.

Newwavesupport3657 · 2021-10-04T17:39:17+00:00

I’ve noticed some radical feminists on Facebook even promoting book up culture cause they “learned a lot of their bodies” and I’m just like “hmmm.” (But to each their own)

I don’t want to have sex with someone unless we both know each other really well and care about each other.

I agree intimacy is a turn on.

Hook up culture scares me.

But I’m someone who needs emotional connection to feel turned on. I have trauma from sexual abuse so I don’t think I’d ever feel safe wifi hook up culture.

Bbqchilifries · 2021-10-04T18:58:20+00:00

Honestly, something that really spoke heavily to me recently was in an episode from the first season of the Morning Show.

Hannah, an executive booker at a television network is talking about how she looked up to the main anchor on the morning show, how he was her mentor, a father figure and how he took advantage of her and then bragged about how she had just used him as a way to get a promotion.

What do I have to say? I was violated? I was scared? I was powerless?

That I think about it every day, hundreds of times every day?

That this is what has defined me, how I got a promotion, who I am?

How it feels to have someone you love and respect and look up to on top of you... using you, using your body... and wanting you and not caring about you all at once?

Wanting a parent and having a cock shoved up you, and then living with that eternal noise

in your head for the rest of your life, the noise that says you are dirty, you caused this, this is your fault.

I think it just fully encapsulates how cold and unfeeling most guys will be to a "hookup". How even if you tell yourself that it's just a hookup and you aren't going to develop feelings, you still lose something to this random loser that won't think twice about you or what STDs he might have given you.

I had a friend talk about how hooking up with many people is just part of his sexual blueprint how he just likes to have sex for fun and how he wishes he could change so he wouldn't have those urges anymore.

Like first of all, you're just a pornsick deviant at this point and you probably are giving HPV to half these girls. No empathy for you there, bud. If you want to stop, then that literally requires you to stop.

" O but sex just doesn't mean as much to me. I don't need the intimacy"

Yeah. And that's why you are so fucking miserable and depressed all the time.

overit_af · 2021-10-04T16:15:00+00:00

I keep hearing the term “exploring my sexuality” as a reason for casual sex. This seems so whack to me. What are you exploring?!?

But I feel exactly as you do. Sex without intimacy is total shit and if you’re convinced you have intimacy with a person you literally just met—😬😬😬

ninefiveoneone · 2021-10-04T19:49:23+00:00

I used to think I didn’t enjoy sex. Then I had it with a man who actually gave a shit about me and put in effort to please me and it was wonderful and enjoyable and I wanted it all the time.

The idea of casual sex is exciting. Anticipating it. Fantasizing about how fun and thrilling it will be. Then the actual sex happens and it leaves you feeling empty and bored. Yeah no thanks.

all_or_nothing_bet · 2021-10-04T16:09:21+00:00

Absolutely. What's so thrilling about sex with a stranger? Woo-hoo, there's a dick. So what? When it's so cheap and abundant, and you can have literally any quantity of it without quality, affection or intimacy, it makes zero sense to even bother. It's like eating from a dumpster or chewing on stale bread sprinkled with dandruff while trying to convince yourself it's caviar.

avocadobarbie · 2021-10-04T16:44:22+00:00

I definitely learned about my body by hooking up! I learned that my vagina is very sensitive and doesn’t like random dicks and fingers in her. Even with protection my poor lady bits are crying! Hello instant BV or a yeastie, or maybe I’ll get extra lucky and have to go see my gyno for a UTI. It’s not like the casual hook ups are even trying to make sure my bits are properly lubed, excited, and ready to go. My own pussy told me to get my shit together 😂😂

FI-REfox · 2021-10-04T19:58:18+00:00

This is the fastfood of sex. You feel gross almost immediately after (ie post-nut clarity, a woman's phenomenon too assuming the loser can even give you an orgasm) and you're just hungry again later. These men are so bad at sex, this is all they have to offer you.

#If he was good at sex, he'd have no time for hookups.

He'd be able to convince one woman to sleep with him repeatedly! Hookups are a WASTE OF TIME AND EFFORT.

NoMoreLVM · 2021-10-04T18:07:49+00:00

The only thing people (including myself) every learn about from themselves from these experiences is that they don’t like it. So many girls act like they’ve had an epiphany when they’re realise that they need emotional attachment to enjoy sex and claim to be “Demisexual” or whatever and it’s like no you’re just a normal human being not a sexbot

Livia_Drusila · 2021-10-04T17:38:50+00:00

To those who call us "prudes"... I still like the feeling of having a dick inside of me, theoretically. But then I remember how weird guys get after having sex. It's like they respect you less once their dick has been inside of you. (I would guess they have low self-esteem, lol). I got involved in most shitty, risky and abusive situations in my life because of my sex drive, which is fairly high (not in the porn-y sense of loving random blowjobs and anal sex, I just like intercourse). Because of this, I thought that I could have sex equally, but sex with men is never equal. I got tired of being looked down on only because I gave them what they wanted. Like, WTF. They'll either disappear or treat you like a free hooker and that's a huge turn off. It's not that we're not sexual, it's that our views of sex aren't compatible. I would engage in casual sex if they viewed sex in the way that I view it (a consensual activity that's supposed to be pleasurable for those involved, and in which you respect the other person). But since they're so bent on humiliating, slut-shaming, violating, ghosting, doxxing, guilt-tripping, manipulating, disrespecting, and telling me to change positions every five seconds because of porn... I'd rather masturbate.

Sewud · 2021-10-04T19:10:44+00:00

I am honestly angry at the sex education I received. They taught us it was normal to have sex at 14 and over. But it was just boys who wanted to have sex. All the girls were instructed that they had to because sex is so normal and everyone is having it and basically hurry and have it already.

Frogspocket · 2021-10-04T20:16:39+00:00

I even feel this way about kissing. It is soul crushing to only be kissed for the purpose of initiating foreplay and sex (rather than spontaneous acts of intimacy and affection) and I got so sick of it. What is the point? They're just going through the motions to get to the sex part. They don't give a shit. I'd sit at the dissertation too.

Competitive_Bar8657 · 2021-10-04T16:48:14+00:00

If you want to be jackhammered with lights off, not kissed, no oral, and half-ass cuddled after when the guy is texting someone else with one hand while you're laying on his chest and asking you to go in 30 mins...go ahead. Oh, and don't expect a text the next day. At least that was my experience.

0/100 would not recommend.

edit: thanks all lurkers telling me I might be fat or socially offputting, therefore unworthy of any effort.

djfrankenjuice · 2021-10-04T16:25:44+00:00

God I spent so much time in my 20s thinking hook-up culture was where it was at. I would set my sights on a guy and the hook-up was me winning. Eventually I hooked up with my celebrity crush and it was like ok… what do I do now? There’s no mountain left to climb wtf was all this for?

I’ve been abstinent for awhile now and I realize I just want a deep meaningful emotional connection (and that I didn’t particularly enjoy the sex I was having, orgasms aside it was all so performative that I never felt like myself). I still have friends who are doing hook-ups and FWB or polygamy or whatever and I’m just like… is this really fulfilling or just something you’ve built up in your head?

I’d much rather spend time home alone doing my own thing than all the time primping & prepping for some lvm Neanderthal to hump me for 20 seconds or two hours

SakuraGirl88 · 2021-10-04T18:19:02+00:00

It's bad enough that society has been peddling this crap for years and I hasn't benefited us AT ALL. I regrettably had a few hookups in my 20s and they were all just awful 🤮. And the last guy I "dated" was even worse. All it does is give scrotes the false belief that having a penass is like having a magical orgasm wand from Harry Potter. And it treats women as if you can stick a quarter in us and sex pops out.

oceanstains · 2021-10-04T20:10:38+00:00

I have never ever had an orgasm from casual hook ups. Ever. Worst sex of my life. But when I was 18-22 I wanted to be a “cool hot girl.” And let’s be real - casual hook ups are DANGEROUS for women. Risk of pregnancy, STDs, violence, murder. Which - could happen with men you know too. But fucking a stranger you just met is so risky. No one ever warned me.

queeninprogress · 2021-10-04T21:54:33+00:00

I don't like the term demisexual much because to me it screams that we've normalised detaching sex from emotions so much that many people (especially women, because I think sex without emotions is a very male-centric view of sexuality) now feel like they're the odd ones out for needing that emotional connection which actually is a normal part of sex, but I think the term applies to me. I don't think I've ever felt attracted to someone I didn't feel emotionally close to. Even if my partner was good at sex I think that realising they didn't have feelings for me or care about me would turn me off completely.

decemephemera · 2021-10-04T16:33:15+00:00

Knew a young woman who took pride in being a self-proclaimed "most sexual woman" most guys had ever met. Lots of hookups. One day she let slip that she never had an orgasm during all these "hot" encounters. Like, girl, what? Why?

TheExtras · 2021-10-05T01:18:46+00:00

After being betrayed in a long-term rx, casual relationships and sex became a self-harm behavior. I gave very clear, upfront boundaries about my limits like any good libfem would and men still went out of their way to assault me. Essentially, I was playing the betrayal over and over again. I'm just grateful there are no longterm consequences other than cringing when I think back on all my friends who must have seen me spiraling.

0/10 do not recommend. Go to therapy/read a book/do some crafts and figure your shit out. I'll be honest and some sex felt good in the moment. But even then, you will be shocked in the ways men will try to harm you or push your boundaries. It's not worth it. I do not look back at those memories with pleasure, just sadness.

TellCerseeItWasMe · 2021-10-04T18:46:05+00:00

yes but try telling a guy that his dick isn't the magic special one touched by unicorn sweat

2021-10-04T16:12:01+00:00

It sounds stupid to admit, but I have literally forced myself to have sex with men I am not into bc of the whole "just give him a chance!" BS shoved down our throats. I hate how people downplay it or act like it means nothing when it is an intimate act that can put women at risk for STDs and pregnancy. I used to be a party animal that would go crazy without sex and now I am perfectly content just sitting at home and working on my own hobbies instead of engaging in LV behavior. Also, I hate how so many people now view sex as something that measures their self worth and not like an intimate activity with someone you love.

quiiidpr0qu0 · 2021-10-04T16:38:17+00:00

for fucking REAL.

edit: the low value easy access men have no special skills.

cocacolagirly · 2021-10-04T16:50:42+00:00

I had meaningless sex the other night and I feel like shit.

anobletruth · 2021-10-04T20:46:22+00:00

“ Also, you are not gaining sExUaL eXpErIEnCe or lEaRnInG aBoUt yOuR body by hooking up with multiple dudes. They aren’t teaching you anything or reinventing the wheel. They don’t give a shit. They are just ramming their dicks into you the same way any other basic random dude would.”

Y U P. Unfortunately young women think this way (I know I did). Got hurt, was a waste of time. But I learned my lesson.

crumbsnatcher0 · 2021-10-04T17:29:27+00:00

I agree 100%.

I’ve never subscribed to hookup culture and I never will. I always recognized that hookups only benefit males. There’s nothing enticing to me about some random dude with only God knows what kind of STDs, small penis, porn-sick… that doesn’t know me or know my body trying to creep up in. No thanks! Pass.

oscine23 · 2021-10-04T22:59:13+00:00

I watched my friends do randos all through my 20s and wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn’t be more ‘carefree and spontaneous’. I used to read Glamour and Cosmo back then and they were filled with hookup stories and dos and don’ts and I legit thought I was a prude.

I was out of the country and met a hot guy that I was super attracted to and thought I’d go for it and be more like my friends, like a Cosmo girl 🙄. Invited him up to my room 🤦🏽‍♀️ and got naked. Dude was on top of me about to enter me and I went totally cold. He left with blue balls, and thank God he didn’t try to rape me or shame me. I learned then that that’s just not who I am and it was okay. I have a daughter now and she’s getting all the game now.

SN: Two of my friends are now living with herpes, so there’s always that to consider when bedding randos.

coolestgirlyoueverme · 2021-10-05T03:27:59+00:00

It unattractive when a man brags about how many ONS and casual hookups he's had. It's gross.

Dragon__Bait · 2021-10-04T17:16:47+00:00

Any guy that wants casual sex wants to casually use your body to pleasure himself. He wants to use you. You using him as well doesn’t change that and isn’t quite the same. We can sugarcoat it all we like but the reasons and experiences of casual sex are vastly different for men and women.

Why tf would a woman want to use a man’s body when we have toys that can pleasure us far better? For the fake intimacy. To feel wanted, beautiful, connected somehow to a man that appreciates us. But women rarely even get that from their committed partners so seeking it from the type of man that uses your body to masturbate probably isn’t going to pan out.

Men can jerk off with their hands or use their gross fleshlights but the pleasure won’t compare to that of a woman. If it did, they’d not even put forth the effort to get casual sex. And there’s a good chance that after they use you a couple times, the thrill will wear off and they’ll return to porn and masturbation anyway.

We aren’t men. Taking control of our sexuality means only allowing ourselves to have great sex, only allowing our body to be touched by men we deem worthy and raising the bar quite a bit higher than the kind of man that don’t want to be good to us.

The point of waiting isn’t to convince a man we’re valuable and make him want us. It’s taking the time to make sure he does value and care for us. Low value men are typically not be able to act high value for long. They don’t have the grit to stick around and pretend to like you for some fleeting sex.

It’s just worth it to wait for a man that give you butterflies and adores you. He’ll be more in tuned to your body and pleasure you much better. It’s way more fun.

Side note- This applies to long term relationships as well. Men that treat you like shit and make you feel bad and then turn around and expect sex are garbage. I was in an abusive relationship for more than a decade and my ex always went on about how great our sex was, called it porn star sex. And that’s exactly what it was. Loveless, meaningless, terrible, sometimes painful sex where my body was used to pleasure him and I faked enjoyment. It was as pleasurable as going to the gynecologist, because porn sex isnt pleasurable for the woman. She’s acting.

Now that I’m in a relationship with a hv man, sex is a brand new world I didn’t know existed. It’s incredible. I can’t even explain it. Just wait for it.

FodderFigureIllushun · 2021-10-04T17:10:24+00:00

I've been saying this for YEARS to my peers and all I got was "you're such a prude!", "it's only sex, what's the big deal??" Then when I bring up that a woman's sex is valuable, they say "I'm more than just my sex". So I gave up, watched them as they went through guy after guy giving their bodies away for bread crumbs. The start was always the same: The sex is SO INCREDIBLE. But the inevitable crash always happens. Someone gets too emotionally involved, jealous, and possessive. Then it ends in tears and an on and off again cycle of toxicity.

Now tell me this isn't just "only sex".

xfelugirlx · 2021-10-04T17:25:51+00:00

Absolutely, also the risk of having a unwanted pregnancy? Girl buy a dildo it will give you a better performance and an actually orgasm

Aksentia_Ivanovitcha · 2021-10-04T18:06:59+00:00

Where were you in my twenties? I needed you 😔

iwetmyplantseveryday · 2021-10-04T19:48:28+00:00

Very true. Also to mention most of this casual sex is unprotected thats a HARD NO!

nahyatx · 2021-10-04T19:50:39+00:00

I learned everything I need to know about my body by being with myself tbh. I felt confident in myself going into my first and only sexual relationship with the man I ended up marrying because of self-exploration.

Ok_Illustrator3189 · 2021-10-04T20:58:14+00:00

I’ve been abstinate for 4 years 😢 I don’t like sleeping with random guys because no emotional connection. The last guy I saw was my school friend from years ago. He cared about me before sex and after. I recently bumped into him again and for the first time in 4 years having sex seemed like something I wanted again. But I don’t know if it’s a good idea to start the fwb thing again. I did enjoy it but I’m just trying to fix my problems so I can feel something again

warofthechosen · 2021-10-04T18:35:47+00:00

This is how I always felt about prostitution. What's the point?

BasketLow8411 · 2021-10-04T16:49:59+00:00

Absolutely. This is exactly what was lacking in my relationship with my NVX. I won’t settle for it again. Leveling up, ladies!!

shedipity · 2021-10-05T22:44:59+00:00

yOuRe jUsT vAniLlA 🙄

But seriously, I’m glad I never had a hookup despite what the media and school showed me.

Technusgirl · 2021-10-04T15:05:39+00:00

I have no interest in hook ups at all, and am demisexual. But honestly I think most men want to sleep around to boost their egos more than anything.

Muriana_of · 2021-10-04T16:46:13+00:00

I can ALMOST understand sex with a friend that you don’t want to pursue romantically… but that’s about as casual as I can wrap my head around .

With the threat of sexual violence literally everywhere I don’t know how women can easily go home with a whole stranger and not bat an eyelash that they just risked their whole life for an orgasm. Not saying all men are murderers, but it takes just one deranged dude to wreck your whole life. Are the odds worth it?!

I also explicitly do not stay friends with chicks who leave home with random guys when we go out. I will go home and ghost them. I will not be implicated in or be a party to a murder investigation when you get your ass Gabby Petito’d. (She was married, even still)

blueboobs- · 2021-10-04T17:18:13+00:00

I guess I’m the odd one out because I’ve had great casual sex when I actually sought out casual sex purely for the bodily pleasure itself as opposed to lying to myself and seeking it for validation or some hope of a real relationship like others do. I am 35 years old and admittedly did not develop that ability until I was atleast 29. Being honest with myself and seeking Pleasure for pleasure sake that is my birthright as woman. All of our bodies and minds are different. I get the most raw arousal and pleasure from novelty and mystery. I will always work that way. I don’t consider myself as having settled for bad sex however just bc I have a monogamous partnership now but I’d be lying if I said it’s always the same kind of fun as it is with new people. I prefer the quality of my overall happiness being settled down, but after years together sex is just not the same for me. I should be able to be honest about this as a woman!! The only reason I would be significantly less interested in going back to casual sex even if I could is because I have more insight into what sewage men are as people and can’t bear to let any of these creature please themselves with me. Bleck!! Men cockblock themselves and it’s their fucking fault.

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Addhalfcupofsugar · 2021-10-04T20:24:18+00:00

Agreed. I tried it a few times and it wasn’t even good.

ErikaNaumann · 2021-10-06T23:37:03+00:00

I have never had a hookup/one night stand/makeout session with anyone I wasn't in a relationship with. My body count is low. You wouldn't believe the amount of pressure I had throughout my life to "loosen up", from both men and women, even from some family members -_-

I just never saw the point of casual sex. I get that men can often orgasm with meaningless casual sex, but women are taking a huge risk (pregnancy, stds, assaults, slut shaming, etc) for what? For a almost zero % chance of orgasming? No thanks.

meecy166 · 2021-10-04T18:09:22+00:00

I am demisexual. Sometimes I don't even like the label because all it means is that I need emotional connection to have sex with someone, but it's like a normal human need, I guess people preferring one night stand over sex with intimacy have become the new normal and the rest of us get labels

esthermaniii · 2021-10-05T13:11:37+00:00

Facts. Men use your body to masturbate, especially during hook ups. There’s nothing empowering about being treated like an object.

katiekat0214 · 2021-10-04T18:59:23+00:00

Demisexuals live this. We don't have sex with anyone unless we know, like, and trust them, and that takes however long it takes, usually months, sometimes even years to develop a bond of trust and connection. Mind you, in my 20s, running on excess hormones, I did a few hookups and made some bad choices, but it was NEVER satisfying, always very empty. I had libido, but it wasn't really about men finding me attractive. Looking back, I was going on what I was fed by society overall, and it just never fit or felt right. I wanted more, much more.

What I truly needed, and found after the hormones began to die down a bit and I could think straight, was me validating me. What I was really after was that mental and emotional connection first and foremost, with lots and lots of conversation. I had that with my late second husband and it was simply THE BEST, plus good sex too, but in that order: mental/emotional connection first, communication, lots in common, and sexual intimacy.

thatoneladythere · 2021-10-05T05:57:22+00:00

Good for you. But I've gotten to a place in my life where if I want casual sex I can find it and I'm rarely disappointed. I tend to be pretty vocal in bed regarding what I want. And I've not really had issues with achieving orgasms. I know this isn't the same with most women.To each her own. I wouldn't feel bad if you just want sex. You still have to vet people and get their STD status and such, that's a given. I think it's pretty cringe to tell other women what they should do with their bodies, and this topic in particular doesn't always mesh well with that on this sub.

Title	Sex without intimacy is boring and low value.
Author	GabbaG0ul
Upvotes	2026
Comments	162
Date	October 4, 2021 2:54 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/q170hn/sex_without_intimacy_is_boring_and_low_value/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/sex-without-intimacy-is-boring-and-low-value.1077553 https://theredarchive.com/post/1077553

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