Hi all,

I'm not sure that I'm approved yet but first of all this community is the reason I managed to stay away from a budding relationship with what I am now certain is an abusive person. So thank you for that.

Second, one of the recommended readings is "why does he do that?", and I've been making my way through it. On the one hand, I feel so validated in my experiences with abuse at my parents' and subsequent partner's hands. On the other, it's crushing me.

I have long been aware of most tactics of abuse and manipulation, mostly learning it through a series of relationships and situationships where the next abuser was always less bad than the previous one. Needless to say, I carry with me an enormous trauma.

And when I read this.. I just feel so lonely and lost. The way Lundy describes these men as being charming with plenty of friends, and remaining largely unaffected by the abuse they perpetrate is something I've consistently experienced in my life. It's validating to read.. but how does one operate in this world that by design is full of master manipulators and predators?

My parents' abuse really messed me up and made me the perfect victim - I would even actively beg an ex to gaslight me because 1) it was better than his coldness and 2) I didn't want the reality I was living to be real. I ended up sending him a lengthy apology for my behavior in that relationship not long ago thinking I was so "grown" for doing it. I certainly acted "crazy" by the end of it but.. he was the root of all my "crazy" behavior. He ended the lease on our apartment without notifying me, leaving me and our dog homeless. I found a spot to stay at that was awful and only had more abuse for me waiting, and I remember how happily he came to visit me and how he pretended nothing was wrong. That's when I finally cut him off, but it wasn't long before I was in the hands of another abuser. And then another. And another.

I am doing well in that I have plenty of hobbies, interests and projects, a solid self-care routine and a good job. I have left behind most of my friendships because I feel they were draining. My closest friendship is a bit rocky, because of a few behaviors on his part that I would consider red flags. I'm being cautious with him, as there is also a large age gap. But it's exhausting trying to figure out what is okay and what isn't.

Overall I'm proud of where I'm at and generally happy. But for those of you (and I know it's most) who have been subject to abuse, how do you acknowledge your pain without being sucked into it? I feel I might "indulge" in grief for a moment, and then cast it aside because I have work or because I just don't have the energy to tend to my wounds. There seems to just be a really huge divide between the child and young woman that was consistently abused and the woman that I am now, but since it's not long apart it just feels odd and incongruent. Can anyone relate?