I was recalling the times where I made it clear that I will not date men who patronize the porn industry. It is just not something I want in my life. (it is the same for sex prior to emotional investment). Had there been a “dealbreaker” category on apps for this metric, I would have paid for it.

What there is a dealbreaker category on is smoking, drinking, and drugs. As for myself, I am an occasional drinker and occasionally take edibles- this is once every one or two weeks- but still, it would be disingenuous to put myself in the “never” category, or not answer, as that creates compatibility issues.

Somehow a man fully committed to sobriety ended up matching with me (guess he didn’t want to pay for the dealbreaker filter lol). Anyone who partook in alcohol or weed even occasionally would not work for him and he said he was sorry, but we would not work. For him, it was to the point where he no longer drank caffeine (I drink it daily), and I believe that while that one wasn’t a dealbreaker, he would prefer someone that didn’t drink it either. Privately, I thought the caffeine thing was a bit excessive, but in the end, he’s clearly wired in such a way to not be able to feel good or control himself with substances regularly close by, in a way that I am not (I never felt the desire to overdo). And it’s extreme enough to where if he’s going to meaningfully incorporate a woman into his life, it’s going to be too hard for him to stay committed to his lifestyle (hey, at least this is mental health-based and not some shit about preferences for areola size or what the fuck ever).

I’ve had this health and/or ethics based dealbreaker convo come up with other men in terms of who’d they’d date...be it diets, activity, political leanings, religion, you name it. In terms of meaningful emotional involvement, they had their baseline, and that just was what it was.

So you know what I said to that sober life guy? Basically, good for you, man. I understand. I hope you find someone on the same path. And that was it.

You know what I didn’t do? Shame him for it. Tell him that “everyone drinks occasionally”. Remind him that “it’s going to be really hard for you to find someone under those circumstances”. Lecture him on how marginalized people rely on the drug and alcohol trades to stay afloat, and I shouldn’t be ruled out, when I’m just being a helpful consumer. Why would I do that? To make him feel bad? To assert dominance over a stranger? To try to trick him into lowering his standards to date me, ensuring a compatibility issue? Do I really need to feel defensive? Literally. What would be the point?

And yet. You know what men have done to me when I’ve said “no porn in my relationship” or “no sex without emotional investment”? Almost every time, this: “Well, everyone watches porn sometimes.” (often adding- “even women!” No. Shit.) “Everyone has sex before commitment” (idgaf! “everyone” used to smoke cigarettes too, “everyone” used to drink, “everyone” used to be in hetero marriages...cultural shifts happen). “If you don’t get sexual by the third date you’re going to have a hard time getting anyone to stick around” (how benevolent of him to warn me so that I may avoid the fate of not having wasted years on someone who does not respect me!). “Sex workers rely on that income” (says the woke man who is likely watching only free stuff, and dollars to donuts has never been the one to spend the going rate for an independently operating high-end escort with rigid vetting requirements for her safety). And on and on. And for what? Why do they do this?

Ladies, while most men are pretty relaxed in their standards in terms of who they will have sex with, they feel no guilt or shame or second-guessing when it comes to who they will make an emotional investment in. You may confidently do the same, sexually and romantically. If a man tries to shame you on it- be it to manipulate you out of them, assert dominance, or just make you feel bad...I don’t care if it’s a guy on an app or your family member or friend or whoever....do not tolerate this.

My favorite quote from the podcast (I believe it was Reaux) was something along the lines of “You know you don’t have to just accept things men say right? They say the things that will advance their interests. It’s just narrative-based tactical advantages”.

That’s all it is!

When you listen to that, you are playing into a narrative that is based in a time where a woman’s partner choices were very limited, if you had a choice at all. And, unless you liked the look of a convent, for the sake of financial security, you had to make a choice. That pressure to accept whatever existed, so that women who had to marry could retain their sanity while spending their lives/having sex with men they never would have chosen, had they had agency.

You don’t live in that framework, thus, you don’t need the narrative that supports it. Keep leveling up your life to be the very best you can be- women who came before us sacrificed hard for our right to fully do so. They did not second guess their fight (and believe me, the patriarchy fought them every step of the way). Honor them by not second-guessing yourself as you make the best use possible of the rewards of their labor. Date like a man, confident in your standards that support your health, principles, or just overall happiness.