This isn't original in any way, but I want to maybe get some discussion on this going that might lead to some insights and possible solutions.

I've been thinking lately that men fear being seen as not masculine enough more than women fear not being seen as feminine enough.

I remember that early on in the feminist movement, that misogyny was explained by the idea that men fear being seen as women because they see women as inferior, thus making it a huge insult to insult a man's masculinity. Of course, feminists could be counted on to see it from a woman's POV, with the solution simply being to recognize that women are equal to men. OK, that's the way I remember it, so that leads to the question, IS THAT PRETTY MUCH THE WAY FEMINISTS WOMEN EXPLAINED THE FEAR THAT MEN HAVE OF BEING SEEN AS FEMININE? If so, is that still true, more or less, or is the thinking now different?

I think there's a small amount of truth to that general idea, in that I, and I suspect this is true of other men, DO have some level of contempt for what I see as the typical worries and concerns that many women seem to have. For instance, I think it's absurdly narcissistic that women seem to believe that their wedding day is all about them, is, in fact, a celebration of them in all their glory. When I watch ON TV women going into emotional meltdown, and screaming, and letting emotions take over when effective action is required, I go right into contempt mode. I have good reason to believe that women often have contempt for stereotypical male responses to many situations, and that some contempt for the OTHER is common and fairly natural, within reason.

BUT...I believe that the main reason men fear being seen as feminine is simply because humans have always needed and wanted men to step up and do what men are expected to do in a crisis. In some ways, it's more important for men to act as men traditionally have in a crisis than it is for women to act like women. We don't need somebody pretty and sexy to save the family in a flood, or a fire, or when the enemy comes over the hill with axes and warclubs. We don't need somebody emotionally responsive when somebody needs to run into a burning building to save somebody, or when it's time to stand together to keep the enemy from killing all the men and raping all the women. We don't need somebody good with children when it's time to go out in an Alaskan fishing boat to risk life and limb to provide for the family, or to fight the spread of a wildfire. Obviously, some women DO take part in those kinds of jobs - but, it's mostly men, with 95% of deaths and injuries on the job being those of men.

Long story short, I think that, when we have needed men to act like men are expected to, we really needed other men to come through.

I don't remember my sister's femininity being challenged when she was growing up. Other boys were a regular challenge, basically, to how tough and masculine I was seen to be by others, and to how I would see myself.

And girls helped enforce all that. Women have always selected the biggest, most powerful alpha types. Now, wealth is a major component of being an alpha, and women have no compunctions about choosing wealthier men over poorer ones.

As many people have noted, we don't admire "real women", or attempt to demean women who fail to reach the ideal of womanhood in the way that we do with men. Again, it's in the entertainment world, where we see women showing admiration for Real Men, with the unspoken part being that others need not apply.

AND, a result of this is, I believe, that men hold onto their sex role harder than women do, and are much more threatened when it's taken away. This is where toxic masculinity gets its start, with little real understanding of why that is, accompanied by lots of contempt by feminists, women in general, and their male allies. Those male allies often hold other men in the same contempt, and see the problem as being intrinsic to males not enlightened enough to accept women as equals.

What they don't get is, if a man isn't sufficiently masculine, brave, strong, stoic, there's no place left for him that isn't held in contempt by the rest of our society. We don't do that to women. We do other things to women, but we don't make them feel like they're worthless and beneath contempt, the way we do to men.

OR so I see it. Thoughts?