Bargaining no more.

TLDR

How did I came to a conclusion, that my bargaining with the world is a remnant of childhood abuse and serves no purpose in my life now. And a surprise in the end.

About me

Father was abusive towards mother and me. Or absent. She loved it, stayed with him till he died. Me, since early years, I saw what was happening and I loved my mother so I was trying to save her. This is how I filled with hate for my father. This is how my savior complex was born.

Mother… mother was codependent, for sure - married to an addict. And manipulative (AWALT), she often played a mimosa („I don’t know how to do that, you need to show me everything”). I am not sure where did I get that notion „there is only one more thing I need to do and mommy will love me and accept me”, but this is the directive I worked along thought most of my life.

Add narcissism, quantum satis. And just one more thing, below.

Marriage

Both of above traits set up the „train wreck” phase in my marriage. First, I needed to save her from her own decisions (savior complex and codependency), because I knew better (narcissism). Second, everything I did yielded no results or bad results or she was still unhappy - „there is only one more thing to do and my wife will love me”. I desperately looked for that one thing. Another thing, I needed to prove that I am a better man than my father, so I really gave much energy into it.

(Un)fortunately, things don’t work this way in this instance of Matrix.

Feeling loved

That’s the thing from childhood, that I wrote above. Somehow I have grown up and I did not feel loved. I did not feel people can accept me or love me or… I just did not have that warm feeling inside me. Only for short periods. Like, drinking a shot of vodka. Like, bringing a girl to an orgasm. Seeing her climax, listening to her moans. „Oh, look, I am good, I can bring happiness to a girl, she will love me now”. Things don’t work this way either, but back to me.

I was a bottomless pit.

No amount of external love, hugs, validation, gifts, anything - nothing was enough to fill it. And, as for today, no amount of therapy, reading, lifting, TRP and MRP, no sidebar was able to fix it.

So, I said, just fuck it. This is how I feel since early childhood, this is how I am going to feel for the next years, till the end of my life. I did various crazy things to get rid of this feeling, nothing helped. Looks like I need to live with that. No biggie. Fuck feeling loved. I have a bottomless pit inside me and just fuck that. No mediation, no drugs, no therapy, no nothing, this is how I am, this does not feel easy, but fuck that. Did I tell you I tried to get rid of it using many things? Did I tell you where my user handle come from?

Bargaining

I bargained with the world. The deal was „I will give you this and that and you will make me feel loved”. Addictions - why not. „I will drink this and you will make me feel loved”. Then, after I got her pregnant, me trying to do The Right Thing (TM) and marrying. Me trying to be a Good Beta (TM) and dropping alcohol when I realized I am no longer able to study and perceived that as a threat to financial well-being of my family. Me being an ideal therapy patient. Me trying to be an ideal MRP dude later. Me trying to be an ideal husband or an ideal ex-husband, being supportive, forgiving and shit.

I did all of this because of my life-long covert contract.

I’ll do this and then, world, you make me feel loved in exchange.

The more I improved, the more perfect was that my part of the contract. And this was good. I was able to see, finally, that it is not only my fault. If I do everything properly but still don’t get the results or any other form of reciprocation, not a single „Thank you”, what could that mean for me?

Where did I got this contract from? Childhood, maybe. „Mom, Dad, I’ll do this and then you will be able to accept me and love me”. Guess what, perhaps - I don’t remember, but chances are they were not able to love me the way I needed, as a child. That’s what Shari Schreiber writes.

Covert contracts don’t work.

This one, about love, does not work especially.

Subconsciously I felt that somehow. I found myself in situations, when I sabotaged my work efforts, procrastinated. I think this was because I realized, that I worked my ass off for the sole purpose of that covert contract „I’ll do this and you make me feel loved”. When I subconsciously realized this does not work, I rather thought „fuck this shit, I’ll rather go lift instead”. Thus procrastination was born, as a form of passive-aggressive behavior against something specific - but while I was doing this, I was not aware where did that anger came from, why do I have it. And, when client contacted me to ask if I am going to deliver on time, I somehow felt noticed. Not loved, but somebody noticed me. Thus procrastination as a way of life.

Quit bargaining

I bargained with the world since early childhood. 30 years of bargaining.

It brought me no results or negative results. At least, not the results I wanted.

This means I can finally quit bargaining and do what I want. Because no matter what I did in the past, I did not get what I wanted.

Codependency

The trait of codependency is, codependent people often try to give to others something they have not received. For example, I had abusive father, I hated him, so I will be the complete opposite of this guy - (first chapters of „No more Mr Nice Guy”) - but have a look, why people do that. People do that because their covert contract is „I will be different than my father so I will give happiness to a woman…” and in the end there is „SO I WILL BE LOVED”.

I don’t think there is often an incentive for being good towards a woman without a covert contract on the other side. At least not if you ask me.

Codependents are bottomless pits, desperately looking for that feeling of love.

But once you lived through your childhood, there is nothing to save, nothing to change.

„I have not received love from my family, so I will create my own family and I will be better father than my own father… because I am so better man than my father, I am not that aggressive at all” - that’s the first part of the convert contract, here comes the second… „SO I WILL BE LOVED”.

„I will marry a single mom because her abusive ex blah blah blah SO I WILL BE LOVED”. „Her ex is so fucking abusive idiot, I can be so much better than him, this is my childhood dream of being a better man than my father, I can redeem my childhood, I WILL BE LOVED FINALLY”. Na-ah. Guess what, you fucking idiot, you Captain Save-a-hoe. You will not be loved.

Men fall into this trap, they try to be better than the previous male. Shit, they don't even vet those women, they focus on the man who hurt her, on their abuse, on her being the victim, that's what they focus on. Women are pretty aware of that, they validate those men, they tell them, „oh, honey, this and this you did so much better than him”. Then after the guy is caught, few months later, they cut this out, they will use validation to control you if you’re this kind of guy. Now you’re hooked to her validation because that validation makes your brain cells release fucking dopamine. Then you break up or divorce. Then you are literally shaking when you see her, like an addict with withdrawal symptoms. No, not „like”. You are one.

Summary

You will not be loved because women don’t love you like you want to be loved in general.

Also, they don’t work this way, because they won’t be your mother (and if they will, they won’t fuck you and won’t respect you).

Also, covert contracts don’t work in general.

Also, women will notice what rings your bell and they will use that to take advantage over you.

There is no childhood to save any longer. You had a childhood, some time ago. Now what’s done is done.

She is not your mother, you’re not her child.

You’re not a man that can replace your father. Your father is either old or dead. That time is gone. There is nothing to fix, nothing to improve.

Also, even if you could somehow magically replay your childhood, while playing your father role, only a better one - women just don’t work this way. You don’t know how to be a man. Your father never showed you that and if he did, it was a caricature. You only know how to be her child. So you will be playing a child’s fantasy on how it is to be a grown up man and a husband or partner to a grown up woman. This is why you fail.

Also, you will pedestalize her. You will praise her.

Thus, you will fail utterly as a husband. She doesn't need that, period.

Desert of real

Suddenly, the veil of your shattered fantasies falls down. Welcome to the desert of the real. There is nothing more beyond this point. You approach Morpheus, sitting in a comfy chair. He opens his hands, you notice he has red pills in both of them. You pick up the pills and you read small inscription on each of them. One reads „lift”. Second reads „sidebar”. You start to sweat. You look at him, desperately. And he speaks.

„There are no words I can say now to make you stop being weaksauce pussy”.

The end.