I've read a ton here about frame and seeking validation. Why do we seek validation in women, and why is frame such a difficult thing to grasp and maintain for some?

If you have paid any sort of objective attention to life around you, you realize that there are no guarantees of accompaniment through life. We take actions to try to avoid lonliness, but these are temporary and only last as long as both parties consent to the continuance of the relationship. And, for a man without a sense of mental self sufficiency, the loss of these relationships that are actually just coping mechanisms is often met with despair.

The "beta" mindset of seeking validation from a woman is, at its core, the fear of being alone, and the need to constantly check in to make sure she is happy so that she doesn't leave you.

The first steps of unplugging and beginning to find yourself as a man require that you examine this, but often, I think men begin to unplug from seeking validation from their wives and begin to seek validation from other sources, like a group of people online who share their drama. Or they distract themselves with technology, porn, other people's lives (news, social media, etc) or any other number of things to avoid true aloneness.

At its core, the seeking of validation isn't the problem. The inability to maintain frame isn't the problem either. These are symptoms of the real problem: The fear of being alone.

Because of this, I believe that the process of unplugging needs to be complete. A stripping down of a man's life to as close to zero as possible, then a rebuilding based on a complete and total mental self sufficiency. Only when starting from as close to scratch as possible can a man who lacks frame and needs validation truly build a mentally self sufficient life.

My Experience

This is exactly what I have done over the past 18 months. What follows is a partial list of what I have eliminated from my life in that time.

  • Religion
  • News Media
  • Television
  • Social Media
  • Business/Trade Associations
  • Networking Groups
  • My Smartphone
  • Friendships that didn't bring me value...which turned out to be most of them.

After building a business for almost 10 years, it had grown to the point where it could self-sustain and become a source of passive income, which had been the goal all along. So I flipped that switch as well and walked away, so my job was also taken out of the equation. I went from 40+ hours a week to a self imposed maximum of 20 hours a month.

So, over the last 18 months, I found myself with a life emptying of obligations and outside influence over my thoughts or actions. No one to tell me where to go, what to do, or how to think. No one to answer to. No one with expectations of me.

Over this time, as my mental energy was more free, I spent time thinking about other parts of my life where I relied on things outside myself to support my physical, mental, or emotional well being. I took action where I could. There are hundreds of examples of these, and how they represent their own versions of covert, one sided contracts, but that's for another post.

Becoming Mentally Self Sufficient

As I found myself with an excess of time and a dearth of obligations and people in my life, I was faced with an incredible solitude for much of my day. It was tempting to dive back into reading the news, to join social media sites again, anything to distract myself from the lonliness that I felt.

But I didn't. I made myself feel it. I made myself experience it and learn from it. Here are some of the lessons I learned.

I learned that I really didn't mind being alone. I'm a natural extrovert, and I love people, socializing, meeting new people, and learning about them. But I really liked being alone, and I could hang with myself, and I did regularly with solo camping trips, time spent at the cabin, and a meditation practice.

I found a level of creativity that I always knew was there, but always felt repressed. This self imposed period of isolation let parts of my mind that hadn't shown themselves in years reappear. I've begun to write music, develop a blog that I'm launching soon, and have taken up some new hobbies while unearthing others that were long forgotten.

I was less stressed. As I learned to function without constant distraction, demands, and obligations, my stress and the accompanying anger that boiled right below the surface of my well put-together persona, faded away. This might not sound surprising...being less stressed when you have nothing to do an nobody to answer to. However, the effect was more pronounced than you can imagine.

I stopped caring about outcomes. The more I became comfortable with being alone and became mentally self sufficient, the less I was bothered by the things that happened. If something didn't go how I thought it would, I just didn't care anymore. As I had less to do, I found that I needed less as well. If I was okay with the understanding that I needed nothing, I could enjoy the enjoyable outcomes without being upset if my preferred result didn't happen.

I found myself taking action in a new way. Nobody could tell me what to do, so nothing happened out of obligation. This forced my activity to come from within myself. I gave myself permission to be lazy, and I only did what I truly wanted to do. This taught me a lot. I learned how much I had done for the sake of others.

I found a true motivation to exercise. I learned that, even though I had a good exercise habit sometimes, that the times I struggled were because I had relied on the approval of others. Now, I had to do it for myself, or I wasn't going to do it at all. I wasn't showing off for anyone. I've not had an issue of motivation since.

Start From Zero

Gentlemen, this isn't about your wife, her view of you, or her sex drive. It's about being a better man. A man that's completely fulfilled within himself, mentally and physically strong, and confident. A man who needs nothing. You can't start from where you are. You need to start from zero.

Take a look at everything in your life. Remove as much as you can. You can eliminate more than you think; everything is a choice. The things that stay take a back seat for a while. You can always go back to your groups. You can always start watching television, playing video games, or staring at your mother fucking phone again down the road, if you decide that it serves you.

Let yourself be lonely. Let yourself be alone. This is your only shot at life, so live it before you're dead. Nobody's going to be in the casket with you anyway. You get to be in there alone forever. Get good at it now.

"Cool means being able to hang by yourself." - Prince