That dead feeling

It's been a while since I posted her under any username.

The hardest part of my person redpill journey is the idea that my marriage is shit. And that no matter how hard I work on everything I can control, there is a good chance my marriage will be average for a long ass time.

Mainly, because I am just not excited about my wife. For a ton of reasons that are irrelevant to this discussion.

But what do I do with that dead feeling? The feeling that no matter how hard I work, what success, gains, growth, etc.... there is a solid chance my marriage will be mediocre at best because I have a mediocre at best wife.

The concept of mourning is something I rarely see discussed here. But its something that has helped me deal.

Pre redpill I was miserable as fuck but felt like if I just worked a bit harder at my marriage and life that it would all turn around. I worked myself to exhaustion trying to please my wife and it just got worse.

Red pill taught me a new approach. To kick my own ass and grow as a person. Shit tests, dread etc... all work. And my life rocketed forward hard.

But there is this chunk of me that is dead because I am married to a women I just don't want to be with. Divorce is too simple (and fucking complicated) and not really a road I want to go down.. yet. My kids are finally all in school, So I want to give my wife some time to step up her game.

But back to mourning. Every few months, I sit does somewhere quiet and deal with the dead feeling. The loss of time. The loss of a quality marriage. It goes a bit deeper than some self-reflection. Its a gut feeling. To sit with the sadness a bit and understand how you got to that point. Why there are parts of your life that suck and leave you dead feeling.

To sit with the dead parts, to feel, to push through it, provides a very different kind of motivation. Its the slow burn that pushes you forward from a deep ass place.

See, we are playing the long game here. When we are slogging through the rough parts of the year, we need deep motivation. Deep burn. Much like the fuel that propels a freight train forward. The kind that no matter what else is going on, you can get your ass up an go.

That motivation comes from mourning the loss in your own life.

For me, I mourn the lost years where I let myself go and failed at work... leaving me sick and lacking forward momentum in my career. It fuels me to work that much harder today to ensure I never hit that place again.

I mourn the loss of a good foundation to my marriage. Because I had zero wisdom about how to have a relationship with a women. That fuels me to not give up when it doesn't quite seem worth it.

I mourn how I had to switch up careers because we were so far down in debt. That I have spent almost a decade in a career I just don't like in order to pay the bills. That fuels me to take the time to grow new skills in order to get on the next career. One that fits in my passion and desire.

As we age, there is a lot of sadness in life. At loss, at broken opportunities, at stupid decisions. I take the time now and again to feel that. To add it to the fire. I don't push it down just for it blow up again, but let it flow out. Creating a very deep motivation that propels me forward.