Being your own father

Rolaid-Tommassi · 2021-12-16T09:17:27+00:00

Man, I know exactly how you feel. And I think you're on the right track with your attitude. I'm an old man now but was beaten mercilessly by a brutal father who ridiculed me at every opportunity when I was a kid/teenager. It took me many years to throw off that baggage and learn to be a decent human and good parent to my own children. The only thing I ever wanted from him was a kind word or even a nod of approval. But it never came.

Eventually I realised that most fathers love their sons and daughters and I vowed to be loving and supportive to my kids. Just because my dad (and yours) was a shit, didn't mean I had to follow suit.

Good on you for being able to rationalise it at quite a young age. Please keep looking for support from other men; they ARE out there and will definitely be willing to offer you any help they can. Good luck mate, I wish you all the best.

dudeness-aberdeen · 2021-12-16T13:14:52+00:00

I relate to your post, so much.

My dad is a super selfish, self absorbed, narcissist and my mother was a big enabler. Everything I’ve learned about being a man/who I am, was done despite my parents failed attempts. I began pretty early (like you) in my 20’s to realize that I couldnt model my life after my parents. I started to cherry pick what attributes I thought were wholesome and honorable for a man, and try to emulate them. It made no difference where I got the example from. I’ve admired old supervisors, co workers, media personalities, even fictions heroes. I had to be careful with realistic expectations, though. It’s easy to hold yourself up to a silly high standard when your role models are all so exceptional at what they do.

Bottom line, I knew my parents were poor examples and had to find my own people to look up to. I also learned to be kind to myself. I loved reading that you regularly tell yourself things that a loving parent should. It took me forever to learn that. You are on the right path, my man!

Find some upstanding, honorable, noteworthy examples of masculinity that you value and take notes. I’m sorry your folks weren’t more helpful, but you aren’t alone in that.

Please feel free to reach out, if you have any questions and best of luck to you!

wolfoftheworld · 2021-12-17T02:49:33+00:00

You have a mental health team right here. It IS okay to be happy. Please don't invalidate yourself. It is also okay to have your feelings acknowledged and justified. We live in a society that wants us to constantly mask our unhappiness behind a constant smile, even when we are in pain.

I'm sorry you feel this way. You can always come here for a word of comfort. You still have a lot of life left and you MUST live it! Don't seek validation from anyone except yourself.

DelRMi05 · 2021-12-19T03:16:24+00:00

One year as an “adult”. One. None of this is your fault and you’re allowed to get better. I marvel at your strength. You want to overcome these daunting challenges. It’s inspiring.

You may not be able to change your parents, but maybe that shouldn’t be your goal. Find support and solace in what you think a parent should be. And don’t be afraid to continually ask for help, love, and support.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you are certainly not alone. Is there anything specific you want to discuss?

Title	Being your own father
Author	6-leslie
Upvotes	20
Comments	4
Date	December 16, 2021 7:29 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	/r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/being-your-own-father.1092190 https://theredarchive.com/post/1092190
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/rhljff/being_your_own_father/