I want to get better. How I grew up messed me up. I'm exhausted waiting for my parents to change when they most likely won't. I'm going to have to parent myself. I'm ready to do that but it's hard. I'm bad at explaining, the best way I can is comparing it to a deep physical injury. It hurts a lot at first, but quickly you get numb thanks to adrenaline. It doesn't last forever and once it starts to heal, it hurts real bad. When I was younger it hurt a lot, eventually it got "less painful" in order to survive daily life. Now that I'm temporarily (hopefully forever) out of that situation and don't use drugs anymore I can feel how much it hurts again.
I don't feel I deserve to be happy or get better. I feel I'm a bad person for wanting to be happy and get better, I'm scared I'll be punished. I feel I need permission from my parents to be happy. I don't want to live like this. I'm trying to change it and be nicer to myself. Last night I told myself some of the things I wished a parental figure would say to me. "It wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve it. Someone should've helped you. It's okay to be happy. You're allowed to get better. I'm proud of you." I'm embarrassed to admit it was really hard to do. I did it despite that and I'm proud of myself for that.
It didn't magically change anything. I'm still having a hard time accepting those things. I know it's going to take a long time. While I'm proud I did that & think it was an important first step, I still feel disappointed. I have to be patient with myself, I'm bad at patience.
Is there anyone else here who has gone/going through similar? Any advice on how to be your own father and get better from a bad homelife/family? For context I'm 19 years old, no friends or family members to talk to. I can't take my medications because they make me sick but I can't get them changed because the pandemic made seeing my mental health team rare.
Thank you to this sub, the mods & community. It means a lot there's a place men can seek support without insensitive and victim-blaming responses. I hope you're all having a good day/night.