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Guys i seriously need some feedback because i feel i'm going crazy, thanks.

Douglasonwheels

November 24, 2024

18 upvotes

I will try to keep this short.

I'm having problems with the relationship with my mother and sister. Both of them my whole life have this ability to simply over react emotionally to things. (At leat from my perspective this seems very clear.) They can have a emotional reaction to something you do or say that does not even fit reality or what is actually happening. This has caused me to walk on eggshells my whole childhood with them.

Now, what happens is when i try to make them aware of this with for example with my sister, is that i simply call out her behaviour. I ask her: Do you think your behaviour is healthy? Because i think its unhealthy for me and yourself also.

Both my sister and mother and social worker (also female) have a problem with me using the word ''unhealthy''. And it seems as if nobody is able to take criticism/feedback in any form. So they just focus on the words you used to provide criticsm rather then reacting to the content OF that criticism. Is this a thing among women where a lot of them will NOT take responsibility for something? Like i am not being mean or something many guys obviously also do not take responsibility i relationships all the time. But this is just ridiculous. I feel like i am being unintentionally gaslighted to and its as if all of them want me to believe that its really me with my criticism is the problem, not them. They rather ruin the whole relationship. They rather seem to avoid responsibility for years then take it. Even tho a super simple acknowledgement like ''Ok yes that behaviour was unhealthy i will try to avoid that way --> ok thanks'' is all that is needed to improve the relationship.

They rather destroy the whole relationship? Because how the hell am i going to feel safe and comfortable around someone if you have to walk on eggshells because this person reacts this way. Only thing left is to just stop caring of they get emotional and not involve me with that but thats not a solution.

My mother gives me this whole speech of how my sister is in her learning curve in her life (mid 30's..). And that i should give her space to learn and become better? But then also says calling her behaviour uneahlthy is not correct for me to say? (So its a problem, but calling it a problem is a problem? wtf?) If someone is acting in a way in a relationship you should be able to give constructive feedback of criticism right? But my mother and sister and that social worker all give strange reaction that makes it seem as if even PROVIDING criticism and calling something ''unhealthy'' (Wow, what a shocking word, so vile..?) is going a step to far? And i'm not talking about raising my voice, or getting emotional. I'm talking about telling someone in the most calm and constructive manor that you think their behaviour is unhealthy, and all three of them have a problem with it and all their advice comes down to: Let the other person grow and learn. Do not call it unhealthy that is too strict or mean to say. Ego something. You are the one being triggered. You are making it to personal.

ALL kinds of words that come down too --> The other person does not have to take responsibility, but YOU have to take the responsibility to let that person be the way they are and ''grow'' so meanwhile you can suffer.

Just wtf is this shit. I don't feel like i understand what right and wrong is anymore. And what reality is.

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Post Information

Title	Guys i seriously need some feedback because i feel i'm going crazy, thanks.
Author	Douglasonwheels
Upvotes	18
Comments	36
Date	November 24, 2024 7:30 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MenSupportMen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/1gyz9sr/guys_i_seriously_need_some_feedback_because_i/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/guys-i-seriously-need-some-feedback-because-i-feel.1536757 https://theredarchive.com/post/1536757

Comments

[–]ZealousidealCrazy393 5 points6 points7 points 1 year ago (8 children) | Copy Link

People who don't like to accept responsibility or take criticism will always turn it into an argument about something you did. If a mature person has a problem with the word "unhealthy" they can say so while also addressing the things you're trying to point out. Try asking them what word they prefer instead of "unhealthy," go ahead and use it, and they'll find another excuse to argue with you rather than address your points.

There are people in my life who are exactly like this. Most of them are women, and they do tend to band together, especially if you're the only man in the dynamic.

This behavior doesn't change easily, and it will destroy the relationship. You should not have to walk on eggshells around your family because of their emotions. They should control their emotions.

In my experience, the solution actually is to stop caring if they are going to throw fits. Let them have their meltdowns. You should stick to logic and calmness, but do not tolerate abuse. If they're degrading you, insulting you, or getting physical, that needs to stop immediately. Don't put up with that, ever. Let them cry, but don't be surprised if your indifference makes them even angrier.

Your mom telling you that your sister needs space to grow is pretty ridiculous. Your sister is in her mid-thirties! She absolutely should not be throwing fits like a child. Guess she learned it from your mom.

Anyway, it's clear this treatment has affected your trust in your own judgment and your feelings. I am really sorry they've acted this way toward you, man. But the fact they're willing to do all that to you in order to evade taking responsibility for anything says a lot about them. Trust yourself and stay true to your values.

[–]Douglasonwheels[S] 2 points3 points4 points 1 year ago* (7 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for your reply. I asked my mother what i should have said instead of using the word ''unhealthy'. Don't remember what she said but she did not gave me some other term i could use. She's very bad of reacting to content of what i am saying and often replies with something that has nothing to do with it. I think when i asked her this she said that what i should do is not make things personal and something?.. At least she did not provide me with another option of what to say.

The weird thing is also that she is basiaclly criticizing me for several things during the phone call. So she basically criticize's me for being to criticial. See how non-sensical this gets?

''Your mom telling you that your sister needs space to grow is pretty ridiculous. '' Both my mother and my female social worker told me this. That social worker said i am very direct and good at spotting things in people they might not be aware of themselves and my sister might need to work on things also. But how is someone going to do that if you can not point something out and be critical of something?

''Most of them are women, and they do tend to band together'' i almost believe that whenever i talk bad about other women, to another woman, she automatically starts to defend that woman. It could be as subtle as ''Well you don't know if her intention was bad'' for example. Something a female psychologist said to me in the past. And it just made no sense. I swear i feel as if when i talk negative about another woman, other woman then place themsleves in the position of that woman, and thus they react in this way that does not acknowledge my emotions about something.

Also with my sister at some point i said that the drama between her and me i believe begins with her. I said that i also have my part in the whole chain reaction that might follow, but i believe it begins with her. I mean, that is possible right? Sometimes it IS someone's ''fault''. But then she and her boyfriend also and my mother AND that social worker all tell me its never black and white and both people are part of a conflict...... why? That is just straight up nonsense. Sometimes social problems start with one person, duh. Imagine me having anger issues and being violent, are my sister and me ''both'' the problem? No. What if i am an alcoholic, who is the problem, me. What if i am a narcissist, who is the problem, me. You can make a whole long list of reasons that excist in real life in wich one of the two people does something that leads to problems for relationship and that person is at fault.

But its as if these people are all so weak minded they can not handle the THOUGHT that might be true? Is this real life i am living in?

PS: I will ask my mom whatever she wants me to say instead of saying ''Hey i think this behaviour of you is unhealthy''.

[–]ZealousidealCrazy393 3 points4 points5 points 1 year ago (5 children) | Copy Link

She did not give you another word to replace "unhealthy" because she does not want to help you criticize her.

And yes, notice how it's okay for them to criticize you, but you're not allowed to do it back. That means they think they're better than you. Either they have no faults, or you're simply not good enough to pick out their faults.

"But how is someone going to do that if you can not point something out and be critical of something?"

It's not likely they ever will. People who are immature are the way they are precisely because they do not work on themselves and do not listen to others. You cannot make somebody grow up. Yes, women are very good at empathizing with each other. It's not a bad thing in and of itself, but it can definitely be an obstacle to solving problems. Endlessly fixating on feelings is a really good way to never solve the problem. Sensitivity can be easily weaponized. If you try to steer the conversation away from feelings and toward the issue itself, you're accused of being cruel and insensitive.

I don't know the details of the conflict between you and your sister, but yes, it's fully possible for just one person to be the source of the conflict. Sometimes it can be both, sometimes it's just one. But the "it's never black and white" thing is deflection. It serves no purpose to say something like that. Everybody knows life and relationships can be complex. The funny thing is, if people would sit down and communicate directly and openly, the situation would become more black and white and less complex.

I think you hit the nail right on the head, my man. Some people cannot handle the thought that they're wrong. They like to think everything is somebody else's fault. Anyone who tries to tell them they're wrong is automatically branded a bully.

[–]Douglasonwheels[S] 2 points3 points4 points 1 year ago (4 children) | Copy Link

thanks. ''Endlessly fixating on feelings is a really good way to never solve the problem.'' --- ''If you try to steer the conversation away from feelings and toward the issue itself, you're accused of being cruel and insensitive.'' I never heard words more true holy crap that applies to this situation so much. This is them in a nutshell btw. Its as if they are not even aware this does not solve the problem. One time when i was 16yo or something my sister and mother had a argument. I asked them: But what exactly is the problem between you two now? They where silent and did not know what to answer. Thats when the whole big emotional discussion stopt.

Its a lot of ''Yea but you say this thing and you make me feel like this thing'' and other replying with ''Yea but YOU never did this things because i only feel like what i feel and if we both feel what we feel then i dunno but you can feel whatever you want but when you said that thing that really hurt me''.

HUHH!????... yea, exactly, confusing.

Thats the level of the way my sister and mom can communicatie at a relationship based level, instead of on content based level. Not sure what the right english term is for this. But think of someone staying on point and reacting to the content of what you are saying and then imagine the most opposite of that, thats what i mean. Literally till the point both of them can be in a discussion while simultaneously not being aware of WHAT the discussion is actually about AND not thinking thats crazy but normal. This is what i'm dealing with my whole life.

I can empathize in a way with both my mom and sister. My mother clearly is traumatized from the relationship with her mother that was horrible. Her mother only talked about herself. This led to things like immaturity in my mom and problems. And then my sister taking over parts of those unhealthy traits of my mother. That is oversimplifying things but that is at its core what happends with people. Same way i have bad traits that are clearly linked to my dad.

I think my mother and sister both carry something called toxic shame.. or.. something. I mean i have it also. Like my sister and me for example are both perfectionists. And i recognize that criticism hits me hard also. Difference is i feel a strong sense of responsibility and then act on it. But my sister and mom (Depending what it is about) seem to be able to feel so much shame about something they are just unable to acknowledge a fault. Its so overwhelming to them they think that if they admit something, that that is now some kind of confirmation that they are a bad person. Wich is ironic because the not raking responsibility for your actions is worse then the action itself. I can see myself easily forgiving someone if they simply show real regret, regret they did or said something. Thats all. That regret and that little bit of emotion is simply what needed to make things right, but 90% of what you get is deflection.

[–]ZealousidealCrazy393 1 point2 points3 points 1 year ago (3 children) | Copy Link

Everything you're saying is so familiar to me. I grew up in a very, very similar dynamic. I wish I had a real solution to your problem, but I don't. All I can say is don't let them gaslight you.

Women tend to seek validation of their feelings whereas men tend to seek after objectivity in spite of their own feelings. Men are like, "that thing is broken, let's fix it," and will ignore the fact that the broken thing upsets them. Fix it, and you won't be upset anymore. Women are like, "that thing being broken makes me feel really stressed, do you think that's normal?"

We think, act, talk, and work differently. However, this does not mean women are automatically exempt from being accountable for their actions or for being part of the solution to a problem. The reverse is that we men, being the problem solvers we tend to be, need to remember to consider the feelings of others and ourselves so long as consideration of feelings is not being used to thwart progress towards a resolution.

If you suspect your family members feel ashamed and that's why they're scared to admit fault, maybe you can try to work from there and see what happens. Next time a disagreement like this comes up, maybe you can be like, "I am not trying to make you feel bad, I am not trying to devalue you." Women do seem to care a lot about what the intent of something is, so maybe if you make it clear your intent is not to shame them, they'll open up.

[–]Douglasonwheels[S] 1 point2 points3 points 1 year ago (2 children) | Copy Link

Yes that is very true men have more focus on ''fixing'' things. I'm a typical male with male thinking. My mother and sister very female. So we are very opposites.

I just do not get how feelings are more important then what someone is actually saying. So me saying: I. Think. That. Your. Behaviour. is. unhealthy.

Results in a male probably reacting with things like:

Why do you think that?
I do not agree with that and here is why.
What do you mean with that?

Why do women have to react like this most of the time then?

That sounds as if you say i am crazy.
That sounds very aggresive.
This makes me feel bad.

The red line in their whole reaction is: Its all about me now.

While the whole purpose of what i am saying is asking for some responsibility of how them make ME feel. So even when its about me, it instantly is not about me anymore. Its now about how my words about how they make me feel, makes them feel bad. Its completely maddening and retarded to be honest. I think the only reasonable way to react to someone saying they believe you act unhealthy towards them is to simply react to the content of what that person is saying. And then AFTER you have reacted to a persons criticism then you can tell that person you did not like the way they gave you that criticism, but not before, thats just ridiculous.

And not able to handle the word ''unhealthy'' its just baffling to me. I'm dutch but the dutch word really means the same thing.

Because you know what. Deep down inside i do think her way of acting is crazy. Its bad. Its not ok. Its not nice. It feels even mean. Its unfair. Its nasty. I think and feel all those things and still i choose to use the word ''unhealthy'' and STILL that is to much to handle?

Also my sister criticized my for talking about a certain (political, kinda) topic. (Its the one she has been overreacting to for at least three times now.) Its my fault i started talking about it why she reacts the way she reacts she says. Then weeks later i hear my mother say how my sister had a THREE HOUR debate with my stepfather about people who are trans. My sister even being mad that my mother did not join and share her opinion in that debate.

But if i only talk three minutes about a topic not even judging my sister in a direct way with my opinion btw, thats to much for her. Three minutes. But she can have an intense emotional debate with my stepfather for three hours.

Its shit like that that opens my eyes to how full of shit she really is. And i don't even think she is lying, she's just super dellusional. She and my mother live in this cope illusion false reality world in wich they can do what they want to me.

You know on that day my sister overreacted to me simply talking in a perfectly normal way about that political topic. (Of wich she also never shared anything btw that she does not like me talking about. telepathy is also required is appears.) She also says that part of the reason why she was tense around me, is because that night while we where partying i lost my ear plugs.

Yes. You heard that right. Me losing my (expensive) earplug, that left me a but frustrated for a few minutes and searching that street for it. (Again, no negative emotions where pointed towards her or any other people we where with. Zero.) She included that partly briefly in her story for why she reacted in some strange out of nowwhere emotional outburst of frustration towards me. Because. I lost my earplug.

BUT....... THE DRAMA DOES NOT BEGIN WITH ME... HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT DOUGLAS.. ITS ALWAYS SHARED BETWEEN PEOPLE........................ --__-- ... is it ok if i lose my mind now? If you stopped reading btw thats ok i am just venting like some crazy person here, don't want to trauma dump.

[–]ZealousidealCrazy393 2 points3 points4 points 1 year ago (1 child) | Copy Link

I can feel your frustration.

What jumps out at me is what you wrote here: "Deep down inside i do think her way of acting is crazy. Its bad. Its not ok. Its not nice. It feels even mean. Its unfair. Its nasty."

The way they're treating you is hurting you. I know what it feels like to try to get people to understand that their behavior is hurtful. One thing that is difficult for men in this situation is that we often do not express emotions the way women do. We can be deeply hurt but also appear entirely calm at the same time. It may be that women who do not see you crying or getting angry do not register you as being hurt. I have no idea if just telling them bluntly "this hurts me" would help. It never helped me, but maybe it would work for you.

I sincerely hope that you'll be able to communicate with your mother and sister. Please remember that it is not your job to help them grow, nor is it your job to shoulder their emotional burdens. If things do not change, sometimes all you can do is just walk away, bro. Distance yourself a little bit so that they're not able to affect you. Being able to just let go of these things and walk away is incredibly valuable. It does not mean they proved you wrong or that you are surrendering anything. It's just you choosing not to play an unwinnable game.

[–]Douglasonwheels[S] 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for the advice you are right. And well whenever i show that i am hurting is whenever i get angry. Both of them can not handle anger. In fact they can not even handle my anger if its not about them but about someone or something else. If i explain my mother i am hurt, she just replies in ways that only show how she does not understand me. If i get angry, then they get overwhelmed by the feeling ''i did something wrong'' and only become more defensive. Then i'm the bad one and they are victim.

But if i don't show emotions, there will be no negative consequence in their eyes so no impuls at all to even have the slightest feeling of responsibility. Its like you have to play a tactical wargame to draw out even the slightest amount of responsibility.

This one one i simply said to my sister on the phone in a very calm way (i was already removing myself as much as possible from my anger): Hey remember when i said this thing, and then you replied with that thing? Thats.. i mean.. thats a strange way to react don't you think?

And then her repley was ''Douglas can you please not talk with so much emotion as if you in that same moment as when we had that fight''

Another time on the phone also i calmy said to her: When you say those things you just said, i'm getting a sense of distrust in you. Her reply: Why would you say something like that? Thats not a good thing to say.

These type of behaviours are suffocating and i called this ''unhealthy'' to wich she said ''that sounds as if you say i am crazy''. (Not responding to my criticism, unhealthy). And only further when i say it again she says she is just ''setting up boundaries'' and her behaviour is not unhealthy.

That is ridiculous. You can not tell someone that you feel distrust because it hurts her feelings? And she literally wants me to not say that and keep that to myself? How on earth is that good communication.

Its constantly the same thing that seems to happen 1. Something makes her feel hurt or anxious. 2. Its because of something Douglas said or did. 3. THEREFOR its Douglas fault and he is responsibile for me feeling like this.

Thats seems to be ''the thing'' that is happening with my mother and sister over and over again. They feel negative emotions because of something you do or say. Emotions override any logic. And then the only thing that happens in their brain is: Emotions are reality, emotions are truth, i feel this way because of person X that said or did X, therefor --> You are at fault.

[–]LeadingJudgment2 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Something to keep in mind too I noticed a lot of men struggle with, is people and often women in particular vent with a desire for emotional validation and almost nothing else. As a by-product when people say "You're over-reacting" they get the exact opposite response of what they were looking for and it pisses them off because they feel isolated and rejected. Men tend to on the other hand be more goal-oriented and as a result miss the point of just being hyperbolic and verbally spewing words to alleviate stress and feel connected. Women are also told by feminists that viewing a womens emotions as over-reacting/hysterical can be a form of sexism. Making them less receptive to that type of critique too.

A good way to go do basic emotional validation is to as the other poster said, simply let them talk. Don't try to fix the problem, don't comment on how they feel/how they are acting. If you need to appear/be engaged with the conversation simply repeat back what they said in your own words without sounding dismissive. It can help by phrasing things as "It seems like" and "It feels as if _____." Heck even just going "That sucks," alone can do a lot. In my experience after someone gets the validation from someone, they can hear what you have to say way easier because now they feel understood or at least heard. Don't be afraid to set reasonable boundaries either. If the conversation is too irritating say you don't have the emotional capacity to discuss this right now. It's perfectly ok to say "This conversation is stressing me out. Can we discuss something else." Leaving entirely is also another valid thing to do at any point.

[–]gumby_dammit 1 point2 points3 points 1 year ago (3 children) | Copy Link

It’s not your job to fix their behavior. The only thing you can control is your reactions.

Often people who have out of proportion emotional reactions are trying to manipulate you by at least getting a reaction from you. Unfortunately this is one of the things you have to steel yourself against in life in general whether you’re responding to a man or woman or boss or friend. Unfortunately, it starts by removing your emotions from someone like that but ultimately may lead to removing yourself entirely. My dad’s second wife was like that and eventually I had to cut them out of my life because it was toxic to me.

One of the lessons they are teaching you is how to recognize the type of woman you don’t want to date or marry but the main lesson is teaching you to be resilient in the face of “crazy” so that your emotional and intellectual self isn’t ruled by other people. Sometimes just giving them the stone treatment (no reaction at all) or removing yourself from the situation is the best you can hope for.

[–]Douglasonwheels[S] 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (2 children) | Copy Link

Actually in a way they are not teaching me how to recognize the type of woman you don't want to date at the same time. Because your brain subconsiously lights up when meeting women that are similar to your mom. You feel attracted to them. Even if you swear you hate people who are like your mom that is toxic, you end up with women who have those traits.

All i learned is that whenever i feel like i ''have an instant connection'' with a woman, thats a massive big red flag and alert. That just means my trauma brain thinks ''yay, i am familier with this, this feels nice'', not being aware of the attraction you feel is based on behaviour that looks very similar that of your mom. Sounds crazy what i am saying but took me a decade or so to realize this.

They way my mother ans sister behave is not even the worst part. The worst part is when you grow up with that, they make you believe their behaviour is normal. Purely from the fact that they think there is nothing wrong with their behaviour. As a child you have to believe your parents are ''good'' to survive. You can not believe they are ''bad'' because ''bad'' would mean: I'm unsafe. You can't handle that as a child. And so a lot of unhealthy behaviour you might be able to feel as a child, but you quickly subconsiously convince yourself its not such a big deal what just happend.

For example even when i was lik 10 years old or perhaps younger even i don't know. Whenever some salesman or Jehova's witnessed was in front of our home and ringer the doorbel, my mom asked me, her youngest child, to open the door so she would not have to do it, because she did not like those people. I remember always feeling uncomfortable that she asked me to do that. This is one of those immature kinds of behaviour she has. Its only later when you become a adult you realize: Hey wait a minute, that was weird to ask your child.

I say this because when i tell my best friend how my sister behaves, he is like: Well obviously that is unhealthy. And even tho i think that as well, there is always a part of me that believes i am wrong or i might be wrong. Thats the worst part of their behaviour and with people who do not take accountability. In their act of removing themselves from accountability they make you automatically believe: Whatever you felt badly about, is not real. Its not correct to feel the way you do, because its not real. There is nothing wrong. Its just in your head. Its your fault.

So a parent not taking accountability for bad behaviour, can make a child feel guilty without the child being really aware they feel this way. Then this forms part of your personality. You become a perfectionist for example. Or you feel like you are never good enough. You feel ashamed for who you are. A big part of that can all be traced back to your childhood.

Its this false reality they place me in that is the true maddening part. Its makes you crazy. They make you feel one thing, and make you believe one opposite thing at the same time and are truly blind on how they are affecting you. And if you get angry? It only makes it worse. Now they are the victim and you are the bad man. Only denying your reality and emotions even more.

I just wish a had a button that would reveal whatever is going on in their heads so i can emotionally disconnect from them in a certain way.

[–]gumby_dammit 1 point2 points3 points 1 year ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]Douglasonwheels[S] 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Poly_and_RA 1 point2 points3 points 1 year ago (3 children) | Copy Link

Why are you trying to in essence raise your sister? It was never your responsibility in the first place, and at this point she's in her thirties so she's been an adult for well over a decade and is responsible for herself.

Yes, if someone reacts negatively to things you say or do, you might have to share less about your life with them. Why tell them at all if they're only going to make a problem out of it?

It sounds to me as if you're too dependent on your mom and sister. You can still keep them in your life, without necessarily sharing every detail with them. They can't possibly make a huge issue out of things they don't even know about in the first place.

This assumes you live separately from them. If you cohabitate, you might need to reconsider that decision. Life is too short to share a home with people you don't get along well with.

[–]Douglasonwheels[S] 1 point2 points3 points 1 year ago (2 children) | Copy Link

Raise my sister? I am trying to have a healthy relationship with her. Its not possible to have a healthy relationship with someone if you have to walk on your toes because of someone sensitivities of wich she thinks are not sensitivities but ''healthy boundaries'' as she puts it. Thats the current problem. How is that ''in essence raising your sister''.

Yea i live sparately from them for a long time. Not sure what you mean with ''sharing every detail with them''. Did i say i do that? I don't. But the moment i do, its often a problem so you have a point. Basically its as if any emotion i share with my family, they are often unable to react in a healthy way. My stepfather kept distance from me emotionally because he did not want to get in the way of my biological father. My bio father does not know how to share emotions or act on your emotions. My mother and sister have trouble i think seperating my emotions from their own or absorb my emotions instantly so they can not handle it and therefor react negatively. As if being emotional itself is a problem..

Fuck what a shitshow..

[–]Poly_and_RA 1 point2 points3 points 1 year ago (1 child) | Copy Link

You complain that they don't take feedback or constructive criticism from you. That sounds as if you're trying to make them change their behaviour. But you're not interacting with a minor child as a parent here, and I would recommend you simply STOP giving them unsolicited advice for how to live their lives.

You can and should however set boundaries around how you want to be treated. And if they're unable or unwilling to adhere to those boundaries, that'll need to have consequences. Which ones depends on the particulars.

As an example, if they are unwilling to treat some part of your life with respect, well you might just have to stop telling them about that part of your life, and/or tell them that you don't want them to comment on a given aspect of your life. If they don't honor that boundary you might need to end the conversation and step back. Most people pretty quickly adapt once they realize that you MEAN it when you say you're not willing to tolerate them bringing up an unwanted topic, or whatever the problem is.

It doesn't sound as if they're a safe outlet for your emotions, so you should probably seek someone else that you can have a trusting and high emotionally intimate relationship with and where you CAN share how you feel without fear that they'll react badly to it.

[–]Douglasonwheels[S] 1 point2 points3 points 1 year ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks. You are right. I called her today again, my mom. I recorded the 30 minutes phones call, first time i ever did that. That typed the whole conversation down.

You know, people might think that if someone acts ''sensitive'' in a relationship its not such a big deal. Its just that someone is sensitive. But if that person see's their sensitivities as completely normal, and see YOU as the person crossing their boundaries, thats not a minor problem. Its a absolutely destructive force for having a healthy relationship with someone. So basically, one persons boundaries can in itself be something that crosses your own of those boundaries are unreasonable. And that is why its so desctructive, because what is unreasonable? Its a very grey area that can easily someone. In fact i think ''wokeness'' is exactly this problem in a nutshell. Its victimhood and ''Boundary setting'' used and weaponized to gain control over people.

My sister and mother both want you to completely tune in into all of their sensitivities. If you react allergic to this, this means you crossed their boundaries and they legit think that if i get angry about it, i'm the one overreacting. So my emotions, about their overreacting emotions, is what they see as overreacting, but not their own.

Both of them also seem to have trouble to acknowledge something bothers me or if i feel victim of something unrelated to them. My mother can legit reply with: Yea you feel like a vicitm hmm?

Its one of those things someone can say that make no sense and it means something different then what they are saying in a literal sense. I think it literally translates to: Hey i can not handle you showing me frustration or anger about something that happend to you because i absorb your emotions to much, so thats why i just reply with a statement like ''Oh yes you are now the victim thats how you see yourself.''

So my mom has trouble acknowledging how i feel if my emotions are of irritation or anger for example. But if i'm sad about something, then its ok somehow. So she does not know how to attune to my emotional needs at times and then rejects them in a often passive way or just not saying anything or acting at all. BUT at the same time has unrealistic expectations of everyone around her to attune to HER emotional state of being not to upset her. But thinking those expectations are completely normal.

See the crazy duality i mean? Its things like this probably happening to more people but in my case it was extreme and i took years for me to even figure out what actually ''the thing'' is that makes me resent my mother and sister so much.

[–]Unkinked_Garden 1 point2 points3 points 1 year ago (3 children) | Copy Link

My wife is similar. I sometimes wonder if she’s not happy unless she’s complaining about something. Little things become big things, small risks become cataclysmic and OMG am I wrong if I point it out.

It’s this mix of overhyped sense of potential chaos, absolute belief in her opinion and no interest in questioning it.

BUT I’m realising recently that it’s perhaps her processing it. It’s not always that she totally believes it, it’s just her default position. So I straight up ask - are you looking for solutions or venting / processing it. Makes her stop and think. If she says venting - then vent away and I won’t try and fix it. Ask clarifying questions, see where she gets to in her own.

It’s a different approach but it also feels like I’m being callous in not trying to fix it. But by her saying it’s just about venting, then I have permission to not try and fix it.

It’s their ball game. You don’t have to play. You can watch from the sidelines.

[–]Douglasonwheels[S] 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm confused as to how you could live with a wife like that. I mean i could not live like that, but thats just me personally. But you do seem to describe the typical of more cliché/average way woman react to thing and conflcit or problems.

It really seems as if males go straight to: How to solve this thing. (On average).

And women are way more often focussing on: How does this make me feel.

To me its a bit crazy of someone is just venting, and thats all they do. Its ''unhealthy'', oh boy i said that bad word again. Its not just unhealthy for others but themselves i mean. They might believe its healthy because it FEELS good, not realizing that if venting is all you do, its only a matter of them the REASON why you need to vent will happen again.

This is as if you and me go walk outside every day to the supermarket. We take the same route ok? And then every day there is some homeless guy bothering me. Then i get angry at the homeless guy and i'm venting and arghhhh and urhghh im so angry angry.

.... and then next day instead of taking a different route to the supermarket i take the same one and the homeless man is bothering me again and i start to vent again.

Its as if some people sometimes really lack the ability and insight to realize that problems have a reason and can be solved. OR they do realize it --> But its to scary and painfull to go to the core of problem. It might mean i need to introspect and be critical of myself. And my childhood trauma does not allow me to do that. (At least something like that might be going on in my sister. Her and me are both perfectionists for example. Critical of self). Thats the weird thing with my sister. She is criticla of herself, but she can not handle criticism. Or its not weird and that makes sense. As in she is SO criticial of herself she can not handle criticism from someone else.

But if there is something you should be giving yourself criticism for, then its the lack of ability to handle criticism. Not able to handle criticism from someone else you have a relationship with is a massive problem in that relationship. It literally means someone can be bad or unhealthy towards someone else without any consequences. And its not just not being able to handle criticism, its then also blaiming the other person for things and claiming the criticism is not correct and not the truth. Basically you are subconsiously gaslighting the other person because you try to convince that person there is nothing to be critical about.

[–]Unkinked_Garden 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (1 child) | Copy Link

I get you man. Really do. It’s not smooth sailing by any stretch. But what’s the alternative? Cut them off?

I strongly believe that you can’t control others emotions, nor their actions. But You can control your own. I know it’s cliche but prove me wrong. I’m spending more time in my own mental health through meditation and other activities. But sometimes I feel I’m boosting my own energy levels, just to stay above the line when others drag you down. Is it better that one are ‘strong’ or both are ‘unhealthy’?

Something I’m trying is to find compassion - yeah I know - it’s a wank word. Hippy woo woo even. But if you truely love someone but cannot have compassion for them - do you truely love them? Sure the energy bucket may run out at some point but I’ll be confident I’ve given it a red hot crack.

In your heart of hearts why do you think your mum is the way she is? Your sister has perhaps learnt the behaviour so go back to the roots. Did your mum learn it from her mum? Why?

[–]Douglasonwheels[S] 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (0 children) | Copy Link

The Ironic thing is that, well partially i did cut them off for a while. Or more like avoiding them. Fleeing away. And they still do not connect my fleeing away to their own behaviour. Oh no, the focus is more on their hurty hurt feeling of ''you are leaving me''. And those feelings are strong enough to not be aware that the other person is also feeling because, because if he was not feeling bad he would not avoid you. Duh. Or that your son or brother avoids you because of themselves, but no, no questions ever asked about that. And i mean the irony is that i kinda have reasons to avoid them, yet right now, i don't, i do the opposite because i know a somewhat healthy relationship can be there. YET when my mother gets tense in a phone call then switches (she did this twice btw on two different calls) to saying ''oh yes well you better just cancel me and your sister then right? If that is what you want?''. Even tho the thing i said did not mean that i want to cut them off. Again this is an example of over exaggerating. My mother is almost like a amplified reflection of my sisters behaviour, making my sisters behaviour cleared also. Because my sister might NOT say something like that ''Oh cancel me like people cancel eachother these days''.. but she sure does act out of fear of abandonment.

I told my mother one time that it was very weird she never asked why i have avoided her for the past 9-10 years. Then she responds with: No no no that is not true you have told me that remember? you told me you needed time? .. But i never really explained WHY i needed time. So she does not know and does not ask about it from herself. Very likely because she knows it is connected to her own behaviour so she just does not ask. But the not asking part then results in appearing as if you do not care to your son.

Meanwhile i avoided my dad for years also. First thing he said when i talked to him on the phone was: Was it because of me? Did i do something as to why you avoided me?

Thats the big difference between how someone responsible acts, and my mother.

And yea compassion.. after some point when someone is hurting you to much, you stop having compassion. And if the person you love like i do love my mother and sister and they love me, if that person also just can not stop hurting you, its the worst. This also why i find it hard to accept love from them. Because in order to accept love, you need to feel safe with someone. You can not feel unsafe around someone, but still happily recieve their love. You lost interest. Their love does not feel safe. And so that is the trauma. And that is what you call having a anxious attachment style. Or in my case probbaly a disorganized attachment style.

What i think is going on .. well what i KNOW.. is that my mom is traumatized from her own mother. I only met my grandma from my mothers side once or twice in my life. My mother cut off contact with her mother. She was likely very narcissistic. Very toxic household. Clearly my mother has developed trauma and she never got treatment for it. So without having to map out all of her behaviour --> Clearly its linked to her unresolved trauma. I strongly suspect she has a form of BPD (borderline personality disorder). And BPD does not have to be a huge problem. But someone with UNTREATED BPD, is a huge problem. I think my mother simply does what she can within her ability and most of her unhealthy behaviour are simply all copingmechanisms. Probably coping mechanisms from the past, that get triggered in the present.

A parent can not really give their child something that they did not have themselves. So my sister looks at her mother for how to act and takes over bad habits. My sister has not learned how to deal with emotions in a healthy way for exampe, because my mother has no learned that also. That is what generational trauma is. One problem is given from parent to child, unless one becomes aware of it and works on the problem. Perhaps its also just their personalities btw? Because my mom has two sisters that both also grew up in the same house, but have acted differently to that unhealthy enviroment.

So its always a complex thing because its a combination of your genetics and your enviroment that both shape your personality at the same time.

[–]PQKN051502 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–]Douglasonwheels[S] 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Hey i will try to explain. (Ok i wrote a whole book sorry.) Well for example one side of her is almost identical to my mother. At least in my eyes she is someone who can interpret something you do or say as a rejection of herself even tho that is not the case. Or interpret something you do or say as something that will lead or just sounds as if it COULD lead to conflict. And that fear then triggers i think separation anxiety.

The thing is, she thinks what what she is percieving is realistic. And if i try to explain to her its not she does not see it that way because her feelings do the percieving for her. This makes sense in a way because someone could explain to me why spiders are not dangerous and scary, but my emotions don't care about that explanation, a big fat spider will be scary to me. Difference is i can acknowledge the spider is not actually a threat to me, and i don't blaim the spider for how it makes me feel.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SO.. examples. Well for example at one party i lost my earplugs. I was a little bit frustrated, but no emotions where projected to her or anything like that. Then before we went home with other people in some bar i briefly talked about some political topic. Someone made a comment towards me i did not like. Minutes later we walk outside back to her home. She tells me that a guy walking with us is sleeping with her because she likes him so that i will not be suprised who that guy is if i'm at her home sleeping after the party. I respond with: oh okay, all good with me. Then i told her i felt bad about what the person in bar told me and suddenly out of nowwhere without having shown any irritation towards me the past 8 hours that day she replies: ''Yea but he's allowed to say that!'' getting mad out of nowwhere. I reply to her calmly: Why do you react like this? Her response: No never mind! And shuts of the conversation instantly.

Over many months she gave all kinds of reasons for her behaviour and emotional ''outburst''. (It was not like massive outburst or something but it was a very strange reaction that did not fit what was happening at all in any way.) Me losing my earplugs was part of tension building up between her and me, she said. Yes, she literally said that, wtf. Then it was the fact i choose to talk about a certain sensitive political topic in that bar, that was also my ''mistake'' because.... uh.. yea because it build up tension between her and me? Even tho i did not even talk to her about that topic and talked in a completely normal non-judging way about it in that group of a few people. Then one time she also said that ''yea and then i talked about that guy i liked that was sleeping with me and you showed on no interest in that''. (See, this is again that ''percieved rejection'' i am talking about). Like seriously? Also she never shared with me that she does not like when i talk about that political topic.

So all i did is share my feelings about how i felt bad what someone else said to me. Suddenly she starts to defend that person. Gets angry. And this is what she calls ''setting healthy boundaries''. And the reasons are: 1. Yea tension was building up that night. 2. Because you lost your earplug. 3. And you showed no interest in that guy i mentioned shortly with two lines of dialogue. 4. And you talked about a forbidden topic i have a problem with even tho i never told you that and nobody in that bar had a problem with you talking about it except me but you had to read my mind and learn that taling about that is crossing my boundaries.

[–]Douglasonwheels[S] 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago* (6 children) | Copy Link

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ( Second part of response )

SO THERE.. that is one example of ME having to walk on eggshells around her my whole life because of things like that. And that is something i call ''unhealthy''. Sorry you had to read all that crap but i had to give you the full context of how crazy it is.

Other things she does is for example when months later i want to talk about her behaviour that night in a calm way, she asks me ''Can you please not show so much emotion when talking about this?''. While i am literally not raising my voice 1% and already lowering my anger inside by a lot and hiding it. She thinks its normal to ask a person who is mad at you for something you might be guilty off, to now focus on HER feelings because she can not handle anger. Thats unhealthy if the person is already talking in a calm way. Its an unrealistic expectation and yes her bodylanguage is really in a way that tells you ''You are crossing my boundaries. respect them''. She thinks its normal and reasonable to ask me to show zero emotion.

Another thing in some phone call i calmy tell her: I feel distrust towards you when you say the things you just said. She then literally tells me: ''You think its smart to tell me that right now?'' So she has a problem with.. me telling i feel distrust towards her... And later she said something that she thinks that its unhealthy to say that to someone, and that its hurtfull towards her.

SO.. there you go. It all comes down to the same thing. She can interpret anything you say or do as an insult or judgement towards her. And when that happens its instantly to late, and sees herself as a rightfull victim, and you the bad man. She seems to constantly remove herself from responsibility. With qoutes like ''You just want to prove you are right''. Or ''Nothing is black and white''. Or ''Its never one persons fault''.

So i have to walk on eggshells with my sister because she can feel bad about something you do or say and then making it your fault. She does not see it as a overreaction and basically gives me criticism every time she shares negative emotions like that towards me because i made her feel like that right? Does not take the effect into account she has on me with her outburst at all. So my emotions, they don't really matter or excist.

BUT when i'm the one sharing emotions? Well i just need to keep those to myself because she can not handle it with the example i give her. BUT when i give her criticism in any way or form, she can not handle it. She can not even handle the term ''unhealthy behaviour''.

Its completely opposite world everything. She treats me in a way of wich she would not except 10% of that behaviour, and literally believes she is just ''setting healthy boundaries'' and acting normal and healthy.

Now imagine you grow up with a mother and sister who are both like that towards you and eachother and causing drama at least once a week your whole childhood. Even till the point of my sister and mother having a fight so bad my sister leaves our house at age 15-16 and lives with my dad. Then you even develop complex PTSS partially because of having those two crazy's at house. (Complex PTSS meaning my nervous system is on high alert now even if nothing is happening. Hyper vigilance because of constantly scanning the mood at home if my mom, sis, or stepdad going to have drama) And then TWENTY YEARS LATER they still have barely changed at all. And your mother telling you not to be so critical of your sister and that she's still in a ''growth phase'' and i should not make it to personal.

So thats why i'm losing my mind sometimes and using reddit as therapy it seems. Congrats if you read all that.

PS: Also so she had a problem with me talking about a political topic for a few minutes and thats my fault for making her feel bad. At the same time she can have an emotional debate about people who are trans with my stepdad for three hours straight. She even get upset when my mother did NOT want to participate in that whole debate. (Even tho she can not even handle me talking about a political topic and not even drawing her into that discussion.) I learned that recently and it really shows she is just, full of shit i guess.

[–]PQKN051502 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago* (5 children) | Copy Link

[–]Douglasonwheels[S] 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (4 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for reading all that. How they communicate, i don't remember clearly. All i know that me the youngest of the family already thought things like ''Why do they act so bad, like monkey's'' and ''Nobody is listening to eachother'' when i was age.. 12?.... 10?... 9yo?

If two people are only communcating based on what they are feeling it can be so bad they are not even aware anymore what the problem is they are talking about. One time when i was 15 or something both of them had a discussion in the living room. A lot of emotions and i think tears. And i'm listening to them and remember thinking: What the hell are you guys even talking about? What is the problem here? So i asked them: Can anyone of you tell what the problem is that you are talking about? Then they looked at me like ''huhhhhh...?''... and they became silent. And that is where the ''discussion'' ended. So me asking that question was needed for them to realize they have no idea what they are talking about.

SO that is at its core i think what happens when two unstoppable forces meet each other. Whenever there was a fight between my sister and stepfather there where also moments where my sister as a child would than sit on the ground forcing me and my stepfather and mom to be unable to continue our walk. As a way to demand attention. Or whenever me and my dad would take a ride on our bike and my sister having to ride behind us (Because three people next to eachother is to wide for a bike path) my sister would then start to ride extremely slow on purpose without good reason. She would then ride like 50 meters or more or something behind me and my dad. I think those two behaviours are connected and its just her way of manipulating things as a child in a way to gain attention.

I think the reason my sister left is because she was mad at my mother. I have no idea for what. I do remember she was angry then my mother ''choose my stepfather'' instead of her and me her children. Because my mother and stepmother sepperated when i was about 12-13, and then a year later came back together again.

Btw, then also at age i think 16 my sister whent to live for a whole year in lithuania. It was some kind of special group for young children or young adults to be able to live and work there and and gain experience. At one point me my mom and stepdad took a long ride and plane trip all over there from the Netherlands to visit her. My stepdad bought a big piece of cheese for here because she could not buy that in lithuania. After just one hour of being there on the first day, she lost the big piece of cheese. And there you go. That was another reason there was wholeeeeee drama and a big fight about during that one week. Because she lost a big piece of cheese (Some hobo from lithuania probably stole it) and now she and my stepdad had a fight about it. And my mom probably too.

Also one time on a vacation with the four of us. I locked myself a little bit in my hotel room because i was sick of the drama of my mom and stepdad and perhaps also sister. Then i complained about it one morning in a perfectly normal way. My stepdad hit me in my face out of nowwhere. (He never hit me except that one time). For no good reason at all. A week ago i told my mom about this and if she remembered he did that. She said she remembered. But... she did not say anything critical about him hitting me. Not a word. Just nothing. Nothing to even acknowledge how awfull that was for me. The only thing my mother says ''Yea you where staying away from us in your room and he thought that was not nice if you'' or something like that. I'm saying this because its another example of her not even able to acknowledge to me that hitting your 15-16yo son with a slap in the face because he calmly explained about the drama in that vacation is not ok. (Of wich i had zero part of btw, as always my only tactic was avoidance.) In fact the only thing she does is pointing out the reason why the other person hit me, almost as if that person had a good reason to do it.

[–]PQKN051502 1 point2 points3 points 1 year ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]Douglasonwheels[S] 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (2 children) | Copy Link

Hey. Yes my sister has this fear of abandonment. Literally as in, she told me that herself several times. Also my mother i called her today, first time i recorded the whole conversation. My whole aim was just for her to tell me what else i should say when i criticise someone and using the word ''unhealthy''. The whole conversation is a mess of flip-flopping opinions. I wrote everything we said to eachother word for word down so i can show it to my friend and a social worker and what they can make of it.

Yes between my sister, stepdad and mother in the past there where always problems in a way at wich people would get mad because who is picking who's side. You can imagine how that go's. I think my mother and sister can both be very passive aggresive. Sometimes impulsive. Like today on the phone my mother when she starts to get upset about me she says something like ''Oh yea well then you can just cancel me and your sister then huh? Thats your plan?'' Meanwhile i said nothing like that at all, she comes up with that herself. I think this is a toxic ''push and pull'' behaviour. Its so obvious its linked to fear of abondonment right? Because she is saying those things because she is already fearing i might leave her. And then before it even happens, she is almost suggesting i am planning to do it or should do it. I think her brain in that moment is like ''If i MAKE you leave and reject me, then at least you did not reject me by your own choice.'' That is a typical borderline way of handeling things.

Sometimes it actually is so important that someone else from the outside says something like you. Like my mom should have confronted my step dad. Or like 15 years later when i talk to her about it on a phone, say something critical about it. But she completely removes herself from being critical in any way. But if that is the person you grow up with it really is extremely difficult to see what is healthy and what not. Its like i could see a movie in wich the same thing happens and i could say: Oh that is obviously bad, why does she not say anything. But then when it happens in real life, i doubt myself.

I'm autistic myself. My dad is perhaps also i think but i don't know. My mother and sister i do not think have autism but they have some traits perhaps. I strongly suspect some kind of form of borderline in my mother, and my sister also a little bit. My biological father i basically saw every weekend as a child because he and my mother seperated when i was two. Between them mostly it was peacfull after seperation. My father is completely opposite of my mother. His own problem is also that he does not know how to show emotion or react appropriately. Like he is very sweet and kind and he tries, but does not know what to say at certain. So my emotional neglect comes in different shapes from both my mother and father. Now he got dementia and he has trouble talking and its so painfull to have contact with him and all my family members really. Even tho my dad never really fully knew how to be there emotionally for me, the one big difference between being with him and his house, VS my where ever my step-father/sister/mom lived, is that he felt safe. Thats the difference and also the one thing that kinda opens my eyes. Because how could it be that i am walking on eggshells for no good reason (As my mom and sis want me to believe).. but i feel completely safe when i am with my father, but not with them? Is that not literally proof of that something unhealthy is going on? With my father you can just be you. Say what you want. Laugh about something. Watch a movie. Eat some food. talk about your day. And yea, talking about your bad depressing day at school and his reaction might make you more depressed because he might react by giving you some emotionless ''fix'' for your problem. But hey, at least he does not get triggered. Well.. BY ME. Because he did get angry and triggered by my sister, but rarely with me as a child.

Is the problem of this all not that for example my mother and sister never learned to take responsibility for your own sensitivies or learned to see them as that? Its as if they view the world in such a way where its not that people have to grow backbones. No, its that people all have to walk on eggshells not to hurt eachother, wich is the solution to being hurt. John f Kennedy once said ''Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men''. What my mom and sis do is opposite of that. Perhaps they are both traumatised in a way that makes it so this is the best they can do and they are just sensitive. But they are not even aware of it. And my sister had years of therapy btw, and almost nothing has changed. Slow clap for the psychologist that probably teached her all kinds of techniques to handle certain symptoms, but not face certain problems at the core. Most psychologist are like that, i met them. I told several psychologists constantly that we have to go to the core of my problems, not some surface crap. I guess some people prefer to just run away from that core.

[–]PQKN051502 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (1 child) | Copy Link

The disorders you were hinting at have strong genetic components. And your sister is raised by your mom, who is also the same gender, might be even more influenced by your mother.

Can I know how old are your biological father, mother and step-father? Has your sister's personality stayed the same since she was a kid? The way she behaved and reacted to situations reminds me of middle schoolers. Since her therapy does not work, she should see a new therapist with a different approach. I agree with you that we should try to solve the roots of our problems.

And I think it is good that you are seeking outsiders' opinions on your family dynamic. It is clearer to see from the outside.

Do your mom and sister feel jealous if you spend more time with your biological father? His house is sure a much healthier place for you to stay. It sucks that he has dementia. I worry my dad might also have it. Does he get any treatments to slow down his dementia?

I like to hear your family stories. They are interesting to read. I am very nosey anyways. I hope talking will make you feel better somehow.

[–]Douglasonwheels[S] 0 points1 point2 points 1 year ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Hey its ok asking questions its just nice someone takes all that time to help me. But i might be telling to much to be honest. Yea the fact that mother and daugther behave in similar ways is of course another hint. Because one is biological sometimes. And the other is of course that a daugther mostly looks to her mother as an example of what normal behaviour is. The mother forms your picture of your own feminine identity. For boys its the same but they look at their father. It forms their male identity. Or well its strongly connected to it, you know what i mean.

I'm 33. He's almost 72. mom younger i forgot how old. Step father is i think 66 now. The personality of my sister has always been like this, just like my mom. Its just less extreme now then in the past. Past years my mother also used to send me text message's on whats-app and when i showed them my friend and social worker they also said they thought she sounded like a bit like a child. I remember one time my mom said ''everyone is responsibile for their own emotions''. But then also spews all kinds of emotions my way (A lot of caps lock was used i can tell you) on whatsapp. This is another one of those strange relationship she has and my sister has with emotions. Like my sister one time said she thought she was doing a bad thing when she was crying. Or she thought she was doing a bad thing when i got mad at something (Not mad at her, i just showed my anger about things.). And i'm thinking what in the hell kind of therapy did you do if you believe those things. Its so pathetic how psychologist literally do not know what they are doing. I mean it, one psychologist told me that he and others literally do not get teached certain things about mainly trauma. Most psychologist things that trauma means: Car accident, sexual assault, my dad hit me, etc. They have a very elementary level of knowledge about it.

And no i don't think anyone got jelly me staying with my father. My dad takes medication yes. But i'm afraid him being lonely during covid contributed for him developing this dissease. So perhaps that is important for your own dad to do i don't know. My dad is still 90% himself on the inside but he has a rare form of dementia that affects his speech. So finding the words to say something becomes more and more difficult. And now i notice his personality is changing also.

Yea ok this does not make me feel better, some things are just to much. The thing is i also did not see my mother for 10 years btw. And my father i saw last year for the first time in 9-10 years. I avoided him all that time for reasons i still do not fully understand. Then after all those years you come back and your dad that used to be 61 is now 70, but feels as if he is 100 years old. And the worst part is that my trauma with him is that i always feel like i have to wear a mask around him and hide emotions because he does not know well how to deal with them. That is maybe the biggest reason WHY i avoided him. I was depressed and did not want to hurt him with how depressed i was. And then after 9 years you come back and now i have to hide all my pain AGAIN. My pain of seeing him sick and getting sicker.

It is true tho that was does not kill you can make you stronger. And you can get used to anything, even something as horrible as this. At some point you also start worrying about your sick family member because you realize you simply can not continue living worrying every day. Plus worrying changes nothing. You don't have to worry or do anything, because you can't do anything about it. You can only do what you can. Spend time with him and still do things together as much is possible and thats it, the rest is out of your conctrol.

[–]Nightwynd -3 points-2 points-1 points 1 year ago (5 children) | Copy Link

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