~ archived since 2018 ~

how do i make guy friends my age?

August 4, 2022

I’m 22 with no friends. I went to school and had friends but fell out with them. It’s a pretty rough area so don’t really like the people there in general to be absolutely blunt.

Anyway, I lost those friends but thought no problem I’ll make some at uni. Uni came, I was in halls then a house with majority girls both times (2nd time i was only guy) and they made cliques and shut me out. Pretty mean but hey.

Also bad shit happened, I had to dropout and then again same thing. Happened twice. Both times didn’t have opportunity to make friends (or romantic relationship obvs) my age.

Now I feel fucked. Like it’s all too late. Like people make friends at school or uni then that’s it. From their classes or their accommodation.

I did join a football club in my area but the area is so rough I just heard abuse from other teams (some of it at me for no reason-just people are crazy) every other week so left that.

I tried dating apps and got zero. Couple matches and I’d say hi and get no reply. And idk why but the people on there are way worse than what you see in real life.

I joined a 7 a side league in a normal area and it was better but all guys there are 10+years my senior with wife and kids. Don’t think they want me as a friend and can’t relate to them.

How tf I do this? Genuinely :(

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[–]googitygig 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hey man, it's definitely not too late. Are you back living in the "rough" area where you don't like the people? If so you should move. You are young and now is the time to do it. Do you have a job? If not then get one. Any job at all that forces you to get out of the house and interact with other people.

Would you be able to go back to Uni? If so I'd advise joining some clubs and societies. Or if uni isn't an option, try the meetup app to meet some people with interests similar to yours.

Keep up the 7 aside. 10 years isn't a big difference and it will become even less relevant as you get older. But more importantly, it's an opportunity to meet people. Maybe they'll bring one of their younger cousins along one day who could end up being a mate. Or you'll go for pints after the match with them and you'll meet your future partner there. By quitting these things you're only limiting your opportunities to make connections.

And lastly, this may sound harsh but you may need some tough love. I'm assuming you're in the UK and if so there won't be a football ground in the country where you won't get abuse from the stands. You need to build some resilience and quitting isn't the way to do that.

[–]Flaktrack 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You got any other interests that have groups nearby? I found some friends by LAN gaming and hanging out at a few clubs for amateur astronomy, amateur radio, and airsoft. Also taking courses for data science, web development, and glass blowing.

Not sure if they're available in your area but if you have any projects you ever wanted to do someday, you could try a local makerspace or whatever the equivalent is in your area. Maybe see if your local library offers courses for 3D printing or other weird stuff?

I know I just listed mostly nerd shit but that's my jam and that's where I've met some decent guys. There's always the gym, sports, "adventure groups" (or whatever they're called where you live), even clubs for just walking and hiking. My wife made friends in a canoeing club. Hell one friend got into drone racing and met some guys that way.

[–]bitchboy69420blaze 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hey man you never know if the people that are 10+ years your elder wanna be friends or not! I’m 24 and have some friends that are almost double my age and I see them every so often or go out to eat lunch with them and we have similar hobbies. Anyway if you’re looking for people around your age there’s always clubs and stuff like that around your area, bumble has a bff option you can use(set up exactly like the dating app but it’s for friends), there’s more than likely Facebook groups for certain activities in your area.

[–]HiddenAnon720 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’ve been in a similar spot as you. The first comment has some great suggestions. It’s definitely not too late, but you may feel like the clock is ticking. It’s important to not let that anxiety hold you back from moving forward on the goals you know you want — some human connection.

As an aside, I’ll talk about dating apps for a moment. Firstly, most of them have aged beyond legitimate dating that could have been found 5-10 years ago. Depending on what country you live in, there may be one or two that you have a shot at genuine human interaction. In the US it’s Hinge, not sure about the UK. Pretty sure Tinder everywhere is just a hook-up app now so if that’s what you’re using then yeah, the ppl on there ARE absolutely worse than what you’ll see in the ‘real world.’

Most of the ppl on a Tinder, etc. are going to be incredibly superficial, and keep in mind, are probably dead on the inside. I’d recommend focusing on friends first, and dating secondary. Friends should be a lot more stable.

[–]sidestephen 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Same, but 34

[–]Savagemaw 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is the best question in the world for a man and super congratulations on asking it at your age!

It is the question that answers all the other questions.

Questions like "How do I make myself attractive to women?" And "How do I improve my status at work?"

You are on the right track by being on the 7 a side team with men 10 years older. Don't think of them as men you can't relate to. Learn to relate to them. They may not be your friend network, but they can be mentors and role models. If you arent getting any connection from them it may be because you dont share any passions with them. Maybe you arent really that into football which leads to my next suggestion...

Pursue other activities. Try things you havent tried yet. Focus on things you think are awesome. If you dont have enough money, start making more money. Do anything to make more money. Get more jobs. Dont think of them as jobs, think of them as social activities for which you get paid. Who cares if you get fired for not taking it seriously? You get to hang out. Meet people. Learn to do something new. Probably network with people in the same economic class and age range as yourself. And you make some extra money that you can spend whitewater kayaking, or skydiving, or mountain climbing or any super interesting activity you can find that you can afford to do when you manage to get some time off. If its just extra side hustles, you can quit when you want time off to do awesome stuff! What matters is that you think the stuff your doing is awesome which leads to the next thing...

Learn to tell good stories. The awesome stuff you are doing is inherently good story material. Particularly when it goes poorly, ironically. Learn how to stitch that experience into a compelling narrative so that when you meet people you will have an interesting collection of relevant stories to tell that communicate who you are (an awesome young man) and that infect them with the excitement and passion that you have for the awesome stuff you do. This skill will develop into something that can turn mundane experiences into interesting conversations which is why the awesome stuff you do when you are young will help you become sage-like when you are older— telling young men about how you scrounged together pocket change for a bag of cheese crisps which you never got to eat because you shared it with a young woman who ate them all and now she's your wife. That brings me to the next piece of advice...

Split your social time between men your age and older men. Your peers and the men you want to be like in 10 years. 20 years. 30 years. Recognize that the time you spend with high value older men should not be wasted. Be a student of manhood. Avoid what Solomon referred to as "the sacrifice of fools"— talking when you should be listening. You dont need to fill the silence when you are with older men. Use your words to ask questions, and you will earn the admiration of older men who will be happy to share their wisdom. Then pocket that wisdom. Go back to your peers a more developed man and your charisma will passively begin to manifest itself. Your peers will desire to be closer to you because you are confident, experienced, mature and know how to tell a good story. Pick a guy from your football league that you think has a pretty good life— that seems to have a strong personality and some level of financial and romantic success and ask him to go for a pint or a coffee. Learn more about him. Ask him how he got where he is. If he's as cool as you think he is, he will happily be the Merlin to your Arthur. Next time, invite some people from all those extra jobs you picked up to go out for a social evening...

Because you don't have to wait to be invited, or for fun things to be happening. Create your own social environment. Curate your group of friends from any peers you meet. Don't wait to meet people who interest you. Be interested in the people you meet. The guy at the shop you see twice a week? Learn his name. Invite him to go do a thing. It wont be weird because theres also the goofy kid from the library and a guy you met doing awesome stuff and two chicks from the coffee shop you talked to after you had a cup with the oldtimer. That was cool because even though the one girl had a boyfriend, it turns out he was looking for a football team to join and you just happen to be on a football team.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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