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My GF sleeps with her mom

February 21, 2023

So me and my GF has been together for 2,5 years and we have been all good and that. She has some red flags but they are minor, like She is a little childish. But yesterday I found out she has been sleeping in same bed as her mom since she was 10 years because she afraid to sleep alone. (She has a dad and a brother too, so it’s not because they alone) What is ur guys view on this? She is 24 years old, and I have been thinking about proposing to her. But it this a real dealbreaker? Because now I really see why she a real mamas girl.

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Post Information
Title My GF sleeps with her mom
Author Alulidinfar
Upvotes 31
Comments 18
Date February 21, 2023 12:38 AM UTC (9 months ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
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[–]Threadgood 27 points28 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

What are the other red flags. Bc I feel like that one is pretty major and sometimes the red flags seem minor until you line them up next to each other and that red likely shouldn’t be ignored

[–]Alulidinfar[S] 7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Too clingy, have 2 friends and only hangs out with her mom besides me. Its always what her mom tells her, its like the mom manage my GF. Sometimes also about our relationship, but i Can easily shut it Down. But still iritating

[–]Threadgood 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’d take that into consideration big time. If she doesn’t have boundaries with her mom, she’s not going to suddenly start setting them. Proposal will be the first big event that is only relevant to the two of you, and it sounds like you’ve got a third party in the relationship already. If I were you, I would try very hard to evaluate your situation as if you were a friend offering yourself advice. Only you know what you’re willing to tolerate and for how long. But you need to be able to see it objectively first.

[–]SueEllen_Mischkey 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Those are serious things to take into consideration. You have to ask yourself if these behaviors are things you can live with long term and understand they will probably get worse over time. I suggest you Google BPD to see if it “fits the bill”.

[–]Lionheart27778 14 points15 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Very weird co-dependent behaviour at the very least.

My ex wife , at 25, used to take baths and regularly sleep in the same bed with her mum when I first met her. ( they would literally sit in the bath together).

I thought it was really weird , but at the time she convinced me that it was just something that girls isn't.

My ex wife was/is batshit crazy.....and not in the way that everyone says their ex wife is crazy.

As in controlling, abusive, manipulative,violent, cheating crazy and made my life miserable for many years.

The peak ,perhaps, being me catching her attempting to impregnate herself with one of our used condoms from the bedroom bin.

I'm not saying that your gf is that level of crazy, but sleeping with her mum at that age , indicates something and I would proceed with caution.

As I wish I had paid more attention back then to the warning signs.

Perhaps have a think about any other "odd" behaviours she exhibits.

[–]Alulidinfar[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Im sorry to hear what you’ve been through. My GF is not crazy tho that’s why I haven’t broke up or anything.

[–]uniptf 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You wait til you try living with her. The sleeping with her mom thing is just the tip of the iceberg, and you don't know the rest of it yet. The commenter you responded to gave you a full-experience view of what an adult woman who slept with her mother was like once he started spending every day of life with her, and you just blew it off after asking for just such advice. Go back and re-read the comment you responded to above this, and stop and think with your brain and not your young, hopeful, inexperienced feelings.

[–]SueEllen_Mischkey 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

The first thing I thought with OPs post is that his GF might have BPD and it sounds like your ex does too. Sorry you had to live through that :(

[–]ZulutheZebra 13 points14 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

At 24 it is very alarming for a person to still share a bed with their parent unless they are functionally a child (special needs etc). While it is less likely for a mother to be sexually abusive to her daughter, it could very well be a case of emotional incest or at best a very odd situation where your GF is kept as a child in some ways for the mother’s benefit.

If you still want to stay with her, I would have a very open conversation with her about this. Some ideas of what to ask include:

  1. How often do you sleep in your mother’s bed?
  2. When you sleep there, is your father present?
  3. (Probably the most important) Do you think it is normal behavior for a 24 year old adult to share a bed with one of their parents?

[–]ChiefGentlepaw 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

But given that she sleeps there, dont expect her to be able to answer those questions like an adult.

Also signals a fucked up mom/dad relationship I’d they don’t sleep together regular and bowchickabow… makes you wonder if you’ll ever get to have a normal sleeping relationship with her.

Sounds severely emotional stunted. Borderline handicap.

[–]Alulidinfar[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I have asken those questions. She sleeps everyday with her mom, her bedroom have been reorganised to be a room for them both. The dad never sleep with them he only works. He is a good man, I know the whole family, it’s just the mom thing and them sleeping everyday since she was 10. she also says she knows it’s a little embarrassing but she won’t do anything about it till she moves out with me in 3 years

[–]ZulutheZebra 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s hard to really gauge a situation from the outside with scant details…but everything I’m seeing is not good. If the dad just works all the time and never sleeps alone with his wife that speaks to a very sad and deeply flawed dynamic; which your GF likely sees as normal and could very easily seek to recreate. At the end of the day it is your choice obviously, but the fact that you are reaching out to get a second opinion means that alarm bells are going off in your subconscious and this probably is not the only thing tripping them.

[–]a-man-from-earth 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would say: DO NOT propose. If she's still afraid to sleep alone and so dependent on her mom, she needs therapy. Only after becoming an independent person would she be a person to consider proposing.

[–]michaelpaoli 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She is a little childish

Well, that might be a major red flag, ... or minor yellow (cautionary) one - really depends in what way(s) and how major/significant or not, etc.

sleeping in same bed as her mom

She is 24

Well ... context? What culture, family "norms", economic/living situation, etc. Maybe that's a significant/major red flag, maybe that's more-or-less "normal" - even expected - for the context.

she afraid to sleep alone

I don't know if that's a red flag, ... but at least yellow (caution) flag. Probably depends a lot more on exactly what's going on there, how severe, why, how okay or not okay are you (and she) regarding that, etc.

a real dealbreaker?

All for you to decide. You're the one thinking of proposing to her ... not us.

[–]Crunch-Potato 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Don't know what cultural norms are in place where you live, so that can mean a great number of things.

But I would start paying attention to her childish nature, to what extent might that impede her life/development.
Start asking about more of who she is and how she experiences life, because odds are that you are presuming the best in her and didn't yet make time to figure out who you are dealing with.

[–]needalife94 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Major red flag. Sounds like her mom coddles her.

[–]Oncefa2 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

One thing to think about is you will have times when you will want to sleep alone, or at least with her not on top of you, during your relationship.

You're going to be sick and up coughing.

Or she'll be sick and up coughing.

Or it will be too hot in the house.

Something. Anything. It happens. You will want, and probably need, space to sleep by yourself.

And the more clingy she is in that regard, the more you're probably going to need it. And the more problems it will cause when you do. If you're even able to.

[–]terrorist_giraffe 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You've been dating her for 2.5 years and you're ready to propose. You probably already know your GF pretty well. Does finding out this new information really change anything? Especially the things you love about her?

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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