Today was day I was to move in to group home. It went really really bad and I left after a couple hours. I cant live there. It’s long story. they was lots of unnecessary touching like extreme unnecessary touching not just light touches I mean like excessive rubbing my back and rubbing my head and grabbing me by back of neck to pull me in close & hugs against my will like I was an object. They were also saying I can’t consent / understand to a lifesaving medication & asking about side effects I’ve been on for 4 fucking years now. 1 of the workers I think might’ve been on some stimulant drug the way she was acting. She was very rough with me & denied that she didn’t do something (idk if she believed that cuz she was on drugs or if she was gaslighting me). it caused a panic attack & meltdown. I hid in the closet for like half hour. They were touching me a lot against my will & insisting I come out and go do some stressful things.

When that wouldn’t work they started using my daughter bunny daughter as like bait. Come out and show us your bunny daughter. She was hiding from them because she’s scared she’s a bunny in a new unfamiliar place with new people and she has a very independent / not cuddly personality. Bunnies can die of fear they’re fragile. But they were bothering her scaring her cornering her talking loud trying to get her to come out & get me to come out to take her out of her hiding place to frighten her even more like she’s a fucking object. I stay put hoping they’ll leave until eventually they decide if I’m not going to let them scare my daughter that they’re going to take her out of her hiding place & forcibly pet her themselves. So I freak out and yell because that’s my daughter I’ll die for her. I yell leav her alone.

And then they say “attitude”. And start asking how I know she’s scared, why would she be scared, “is she scared or are YOU scared” I’m already overloaded and then they’re trying to argue with me that my daughter isn’t scared and also I have atititude for not being able to control my voice volume during a meltdown. When I can’t even control my body like I’d been shaking in the closet crying unable to move for half an hour at that point. It reminded me of bad memories too so not only was there sensory overload but flashbacks. After they left her alone I shut back down but then the bitch said “you know you could’ve just calmly and politely said that I’m scaring her and that you want to protect her instead of yelling.” And I yellt again I couldn’t control it, are you fucking serious, that’s seriously what you care about when my daughter is scared and I’m in crisis is my fucking tone of voice I can’t control. Don’t give a shit about my well-being just that I can’t get my body to use a quieter voice. I don’t want to yell it scares my bunny daughter that’s why I lock it up try my best to lock it up & hid in the closet. But they don’t care all they care about is I have fucking attitude apparently and I’m a shit person for defending my baby

I started yelling I’m leaving and they kept saying I can’t leave that I have nowhere to go I have to stay here I can’t leave… there’s no service there either only wifi they could cut me off at anytime & the wifi such shit I couldn’t call anyone or even listen to voicemails. It was terrifying but I managed to message my family and they came to get me and bring me back to my grandparents

I have no fucking idea what to do now I will try to find an option I keep alive but unfortunately suicide is becoming more likely the only option

I feel very bad

I feel very sorry to my baby bunny daughter. She shouldn’t have gone through this. She’s safe and calm down back here now but I still feel so bad. That shouldn’t have happenet it’s so duckt up. They treat her like an object but she’s not an object she’s a person just like me with her own experience of reality, her own emotions & likes & dislikes & they’ll just ignore her suffering. I gave her a treat but I still feel very bad for her. And I’m sorry for yelling. To her not the workers, they can go fuck themselves

I want my PSW really bad since. I need to talk to him to feel better since he’s the safest person in my real life right now.

My psw doesn’t touch me against my will. And when he touches me (with my permission) he is very gentle and he makes sure to ask me check in if he’s being gentle enough and we have hand signals

The 1 time I was very upset and raised my voice with him (not yelling though & also not on purpose ) he didn’t say I have attitude he was nice and understanding

When people were mean to me he stood up for me, he didn’t join in & gang up on me. When I had meltdowns with him he was nice & didn’t touch me unless I gave consent & offers to leave

He doesn’t think I’m a toddler that can’t understand or consent to anything. He knows that just because I’m mentally disabled $ have trouble talking doesn’t mean I’m a ducking toddler. And even if I was a toddler you still shouldn’t treat toddlers like shit and I know he would also treat a toddler with respect

My psw is a good person

Everyone working in a group home should be like him

I love my psw (like a brother)