How do I change my hate....

giegerwasright · 2013-08-25T10:29:23+00:00

On of the girls there, who I had previously been flirting with online started to flirt with one of my friends, very aggressively.

Hol' up there, cheese boy. We don't know that that guy was a crumbsnatcha. Was she flirting back with you? Had she expressed some desire for more than just social silliness with you? If she hadn't, then you have no case, barrister.

started watching porn in my house.

That is some rude motherfucking shit right there. Whacking your bag or not, watching porn in someone else's house is pretty fucking rude.

I was opposed to them cumming or staining any of my furniture.

waaaiit a second. Hol' up. Hol' up uno momento, por favor. They were whacking their bags in your place? What the fuck kind of people do you hang out with?

called her ride

What is she, 15?

after telling him that she would help him drive home, as he was very drunk.

We don't drive drunk. We don't let drunk people leave out homes to drive. The fuck goes on at your place?

He was a bit obnoxious and overly touchy at first, but her reaction seemed dramatic to me.

Was this before or after they were whacking their bags to porn at your place? Dude. Your story is starting to sound rather far fetched and inconsistent.

And the fact even though she lied and pretended she was leaving for another reason, he knew the real reason and still tried to pursue her.

Why was anything other than "Gina, you're going home. Go outside and wait for your ride (who the fuck was her ride, anyway?). Joey, you're going to bed. Now. If I have to knock someone the fuck out, I'm going to knock someone the fuck out." coming out of your mouth?

However, in the heat of the moment I thought to myself,"If he raped her, it would serve her right".

People have thoughts. Lots of them. Logical or not, people have thoughts. If you think Ghandi didn't consider how delightful an atom bomb in Trafalger would be at some point in his life, then you don't live in reality. However, rational human beings parse their thoughts with reality and say "Well, that;s a bit ridiculous. Moving on to the next thought,". That was a pretty ridiculous thought.

I guess what I'm saying is that that incident brought to my attention my own bias and hate.

Nothing that you said was biased. And while the "she'd deserve to get raped" thing was pretty mean spirited, so what? So what if you feel hatred? You have a right to both your own biases and the breadth of your emotional response. You also have a responsibility to temper those biases and emotional responses with rationale, logic, and perspective. See how that works? With a right comes a responsibility. You can't just amputate your emotional responses. People don't work that way. You can't just slice away the traffic along your neural pathways. Repressing those things is very very fucking bad for you.

You're wracked with a guilt for something that you should not feel guilt for. This is a guilt that is sloughed off on you by people who do not hold themselves to the same standard that they expect others to meet. Demonizing the cognitive process is one of the steps to mind control. It is how people levy self sustained restrictions on the opposition of others. This is bad.

How do you deal with hate? How do you deal with bias? Own it. Accept it. "I hate this." Then ask yourself "Why do I hate this?" The 20/21st century ethic of criminalizing hate is one of the dumbest and most counterproductive things that I have ever seen in my entire life time. All that does is create guilt and ostracization. It forces internalization of anger and rage. And you know what that does? It creates more hate. It creates repression. It creates rage. It doesn't help anything. It doesn't make anything better. It just puts chains on the minds of people who don't think the way others want them to. You know what fixes that? Discourse. Curiosity. Inquisitiveness. "I hate gay people." "Why?" "Because they're bad!" "What makes them bad?" "All that gay sex they have!" "OK, but... what does that have to do with you?" "It's gross!" "OK, but do gay people force you to have gay sex?" "No." "Do they come over your house, cuff you to a chair and make them watch them have gay sex?" "No." "So, what does it have to do with you?" "Uh. Nothing." "Alright. Moving along."

Now. I think that homophobia is a lot more complicated than that. I think that some of it is, as is often posited, fear of one's own repressed or latent homosexual desires. I think that some of it is a gripe with observed visible trends of behavior among groups of gay people in public, politically, and in the media. I think some of it is a result of religious or cultural dogma that uncomfortably unravels in a society that has advanced past the Medieval and conflicts with the modern permissiveness of individualism and breadth of character. All of these are legitimate in that they are worthy of discussion. Pretending that we can just click our heels and make them go away is counter productive. The people who villify and criminalize emotional or intellectual responses that are inconvenient or counterproductive to them are no less fascist than those they hate. And yes, they hate quite a bit, but they have hypocritically legitimized their hate and othering of people who don't fit into their world view. Notice how they close down discussion? Notice how toxic their culture has become?

So, what do you do with your biases and negative emotional responses? Own them. Express them. Explore them. Seek to comprehend them. Channel them to productive means. Having a thought and acting on that thought are two different things. Don't be ashamed of your thoughts. You have every right to them, just as you have every responsibility to do your utmost to make the best of them.

Something about this post doesn't smell right. Like the faint hint of onions at a chinese beauty parlor. I can't quite place it, but something is off here.

Perpetual_dissident · 2013-08-25T06:24:34+00:00

First off, I would not let a girl I like AND knows I like her to watch porn with another dude in my house. Yeah, technically that is not illegal or anything but if she had an elemental regard for your feelings, she should have taken another course of action. I would have politely kicked them out at that point.

From that point onwards everything was awful. She should have left your house and deal with the consecuences of her acts. You are dumb for playing the savior with knight.

Finally, raping people as a lesson is bad and should not be done.

CosmicKeys · 2013-08-25T06:58:59+00:00

You have given one example, but you haven't said how you feel about men to judge against. Have you ever wished another man harm?

In general, you can always go see a counselor about this. Strange place to discuss this but that's ok.

Steampunk_Moustache · 2013-08-25T08:15:50+00:00

Learn the difference between society encouraging shitty behavior in women, and women being shitty. Understand that people are products of their environment and that almost nobody is truly worth hating.

Hate what made that girl think her "he's creepy and I'm scared" lie was ok.

2013-08-25T12:18:50+00:00

Nah dude, you were just pissed off. You acted out of anger, and even then only in your mind. From your post it is clear you know that, despite her massive douche manouvres that night, no one anywhere deserves to be raped.

If you are really worried, I would look into some counselling for anger. I don't think you actually hate women just because you get angry at people who do shitty things.

2013-08-25T10:09:02+00:00

Sounds like you got played, and the cherry on the top is that you're now doubting your instincts. She has skills!

rightsbot · 2013-08-25T05:56:17+00:00

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theskepticalidealist · 2013-08-25T14:52:27+00:00

How old are you? Just curious.

Nomenimion · 2013-08-25T20:54:39+00:00

This is why you shouldn't host parties. And if you don't want people watching porn in your house, tell them to leave.

You shouldn't hate women, because they aren't all alike. But to be cautious is the only wise course of action to take these days. This means avoiding the women who flirt with a guy so they can get attention by playing victim afterwards.

guywithaccount · 2013-08-25T22:42:59+00:00

So, if we validate your feeling, we confirm that wanting something bad and dramatically appropriate to happen to a woman who lies and manipulates people is nevertheless misogyny.

If we state that your feelings were natural and appropriate, feminists link to it as evidence that MRAs promote rape and rape apology.

Pass.

avantvernacular · 2013-08-26T13:50:22+00:00

Hatred is the way of the misandrist. You must let go of your hate.

crankypants15 · 2013-08-26T16:05:25+00:00

She then switched into scared victim mode and texted me about how she was scared of him and how she didn't want to go home with him.

Some people are jerks. Ignore them. Don't let them get to you. That does not mean all women are jerks. Nor does it mean all men are jerks.

Also, she was playing the "damsel in distress". Avoid this type of woman. They are usually not real stable.

Title	How do I change my hate....
Author	Qurlplz
Upvotes	4
Comments	18
Date	August 25, 2013 5:55 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/1l1lzd/how_do_i_change_my_hate/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/how-do-i-change-my-hate.1165520 https://theredarchive.com/post/1165520

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