I need help getting over an abusive, violent relationship.

RDarkLord · 2013-02-26T13:18:02+00:00

I have learned from being in the MRM that the first thing guys need to understand is "The abuse they went through is not their fault".

OuiCrudites · 2013-02-26T13:53:50+00:00

I had a partner who was abusive at times and forced me into sex once.

I also questioned why I stayed in the relationship, and the conclusion I came to is because I had internalized the societal belief that men are less important than women, and abusive women are just "emotional" and don't mean any real harm.

I did not go to therapy, but i did step away from women and dating and did a long, hard think evaluating all my beliefs about myself, women, and relationships. I resolved that my safety and comfort is as important as a woman's, and accepted that my ex was an abuser. Just accepting that can help, because you can identify it as a definitive "wrong."

I can also advise learning some form of meditation, where you can take a break from thoughts whizzing around your head. Meditation could be in the form of yoga, or martial arts, or even just taking quiet walks. Meditation doesn't have to be in some cross-legged posture. I rarely do that, but I meditate almost every day.

Feltern · 2013-02-26T09:26:50+00:00

Sadly, there is no easy fix to this situation. I am 3 years out of mine and I am still not back to 100%. There are some things you need to know first off: You survived, there is nothing better than knowing that you are now a survivor. Next thing you need to know is not to go back, this can be difficult, but it is one of the most important things to do. Now to get better: First thing is find something you enjoy (preference to something you weren't allowed to do) do a lot of it, go to the gym, get some exercise and just get out of the house. Anything to help make you feel good about you is the most important thing. As far as help goes, there is nothing wrong with counselling, nothing at all. Keep coming here aswell, this is a surprisingly good place to get help. Feel free to PM me, or many of the other survivors here, we will be happy to talk to you about this, best part about people like us? We Don't Judge! Another thing to remember? This wasn't your fault, and you are now a better person for surviving. Good luck with everything, and make sure to put a smile on your face, you deserve it.

Miss_anthropyy · 2013-02-26T12:17:51+00:00

Have you tried speaking to a therapist? They're really the only ones who can help you with the long-lasting emotional problems. I was with an abusive man for five years and while I never addressed it directly in therapy - I had other problems as well - it was only a comprehensive mental overhaul that allowed me to overcome all the self-esteem issues I was hiding and live my life again.

If you don't have money for that I can point you to some resources & books that helped me.

I have more to say but I have to head to work now; I'll write more later, or message me if you want to talk one-on-one.

Best wishes!

Modron · 2013-02-26T14:10:54+00:00

One thing you could do is, ask yourself the question: "What would I do if this had never happened to me? What would I do right now, if I didn't think about relationships AT ALL? What would I do if I felt great, never question my self-worth, don't care what others think about me? If I felt totally fine with myself."

Try to believe that feeling like this is possible. Give it a try and you might suddenly think something like: "Man, I could listen to my favorite CDs. Why didn't I do this for such a long time?" or "why did I neglect my hobby xy for so long?" Or even just play an addictive video game.

This helped me.

Modron · 2013-02-26T15:03:34+00:00

I sometimes worry that my ex thinks that I was abusive and violent, when in fact a lot of it was contrived, because he said he liked strong, controlling women. Strong, yes, I am. And I can have moments where I want control (but don't we all to a point??), but I admit I may have gone to far with the act. Maybe that was the case with your ex, too? Sometimes a person doesn't mean harm, but doesn't realise just how far they're going, or how careless/tactless they are being with words. Have you tried talking to her rationally and asking her WHY she behaved the way she did? People have their reasons, and maybe understanding her reasoning will help you to get over it, otherwise you will always question why all of your life. Nobody is abusive and violent for no reason. Either she is troubled from her past and will never change (in which case, move on), or maybe she is troubled and will change with help (maybe some way to channel her anger better?), or maybe, like me, she thought you wanted to be the sub in the relationship, but out of lack of experience, took things too far. Also, maybe she has mental health problems of some kind. Depression can make us pretty mean when we just want to be left alone to wallow. It sounds like both of you may need help of some kind. She needs anger management (perhaps), and maybe you need a good counsellor to talk to. Another problem is that you say you were abroad - that can have a huge impact on a relationship after a while, as she may have gotten frustrated and angry at the situation and misdirected her anger unintentionally at you. It is also so easy to misinterpret signals/messages from someone when you are not with them regularly.

I know it's hard to get over an ex. I'm not sure I'll ever really get over mine. But, what's done is done. We can't cry over the past. Stay strong and keep your chin up. Good luck - we're all rooting for you here.

Deansdale · 2013-02-26T11:37:21+00:00

Understand that you have to, and you can heal. Do whatever is necessary to facilitate that. Have controlled fits of anger (shout at the cellar walls or practice martial arts) if that's your cup of tea, talk to somebody you trust about it, or see a professional for help. The only thing you shouldn't do is to adopt a victim mentality which could destroy the joy in your life completely. You are not a victim - you have made mistakes. You learned from them and will strive to not commit similar mistakes again, but you will get over any emotional problems and not define yourself by these mistakes.

Stand up for yourself and demand more respect in your relationships. You deserve it. The most important thing you must learn is to leave abusive relationships at the second sign of trouble. You seem like a nice fellow who's a bit too relationship-dependent. Learn to say "no" and to take your coat and leave if necessary.

PerniciousOne · 2013-02-27T03:55:25+00:00

First you need to understand that all the things that she did to you are not your fault. These were her problems, and she took aggressive actions against you.

You should seek out a good therapist which specializes in male abuse victims. You should be able to talk to them about it without judgement.

They will help you break it down to the traits which attracted you to her, and help you come up with some defensive mechanisms so you will be able to avoid women of that nature in the future.

If you are not comfortable talking to them about everything that rests on your mind, make sure to write it down, and possibly after you determine that you can trust your therapist, give them the note so they can work on the real issues which are bothering you.

thereverendwho · 2013-02-27T07:16:07+00:00

This sounds stupid. I had a revelation while I was peeing. I looked down and I had not put the seat up. It was about a year after I got away from my ex. The revelation was this "No one is going to yell at me." It was then that I realized that no one had treated me poorly in a year. Everything was fine, and I was in a world where I didn't hear insults all around me. I smiled at this point because I realized that it wasn't because something was wrong with me, it wasn't my fault.

I then went into the kitchen and made myself a huge omelette. (She hated eggs and I didn't get to eat them very much. I love eggs.) I then commenced my journey in life. You have got to remember, if you look to the past there is nothing you can change. If you look to the future you are looking into something that isn't even there yet. Look toward the present. Today you are free, just learn to enjoy it.

rightsbot · 2013-02-26T08:40:17+00:00

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Title	I need help getting over an abusive, violent relationship.
Author	now_what_
Upvotes	17
Comments	22
Date	February 26, 2013 8:39 AM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/mensrights/comments/1990tr/i-need-help-getting-over-an-abusive-violent-/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/i-need-help-getting-over-an-abusive-violent.1607023 https://theredarchive.com/post/1607023

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