somehow, a man can never show vulnerability, grief or weakness for to long, in a relationship

odysseytree · 2022-08-21T11:17:52+00:00

"Men should open up about their feelings and show vulnerabilities" is a politically correct statement to look kind for better suitors. The problem is many men are taking this online advise despite the ton of experiences that it doesn't work.

Men and women are different in terms of what they expect in their partners and this is not one of them.

Reddit1984Censorship · 2022-08-21T10:55:37+00:00

I completly agree, im MGTOW, however i still recommend not to take important desicions when in emotional distress.
She definetly loses massive points for it, but maybe she makes it up in other areas? If she doesnt yes definetly break up.

pappo4ever · 2022-08-21T12:39:46+00:00

For too long? sometimes you just complain twice and its over.

See, technology allowed women to basically have infinite supply of men, this means that the average value of men is zero. If you just complain a little or make her life slightly non-awesome, then it cost nothing to dump you and get a new guy through her phone.

Btw its super common that divorce follows a parent dying. It happens a lot, I still don't know why a woman would leave a man whose parent died, its a natural stage of life, but they do it, they did it to many of my friends.

pomegranate2012 · 2022-08-21T15:26:07+00:00

> I was there when she took her last breath.

You know, this might sound strange but to be there at the end is kind of a privilege. When we had to say goodbye to my dad, both my brother and sister noped out of the last couple of days and I don't blame them. It was atrociously bad. But also, I wouldn't trade in that experience. There is kind of a calmness to passing and I know that when it happens to me, there will be pain, there will be suffering. But the final moments will be calm.

As for 'getting over it' in 7 days. That is ridiculous! It's YEARS before you feel normal again. I think it was 3 years after when I was in the supermarket and I saw some food my dad liked and I started thinking about certain things and just got pissy eyed right there in the supermarket in the middle of the day!

Apart from the funeral I never cried in front of my mum or sister though. Not saying that's good or bad. It's probably just male pride. I ams what I ams. Don't make no apologies for it.

LostHoldenCaulfield · 2022-08-21T16:58:20+00:00

I'm really sorry. Most women would choose an abuser over a man who shows tears. That's the world. Never be ashamed of tears, though. You're human.

SquishedPears · 2022-08-21T18:35:25+00:00

Men are the only ones that want men to be allowed to feel. There are men's groups that you can join that will actually listen to you, as a man should listen to his brother, and lift you up.

If your partner is really neglecting your emotions, she isn't worth her weight in dirt. Do remember that it's hard to know what to do when someone is grieving, so maybe your wife is just really bad at it. A true test: tell her precisely what you want her to say and do for you to heal. If she doesn't do that while allowing you to express yourself, leave.

Example. I went through a suicidal patch and my wife didn't know what to do and told me things that made it worse, inadvertently and naively, without malicious intent. I had to recognize that she wasn't trying to be malicious, she was just dumb. I had to tell her what I needed from her and that I needed to be able to express it without her making the comments she did. She understood why I didn't want her to make those comments and why I needed her to drop her bias and just let me feel. She agreed and changed her behavior immediately and effectively. Our communication has significantly improved overall because of this conflict.

biscuitheque · 2022-08-21T21:41:46+00:00

Sorry for your loss.

YesYesYesVeryGood · 2022-08-22T03:08:52+00:00

I am sorry for you loss OP. You have friends here, and we are open to hearing you out.

I do think that your partner is out of line. Losing a parent is very hard time to go through, and your partner should know that she should be "caring" for you, not "handling" you.

Whateverhappens00 · 2022-08-22T04:12:00+00:00

hope it's ok for a woman to post here - at face value, those sound like really callous, awful things to say. i wonder if she's weirdly trying to comfort you if she sees you as very resilient. regardless of her intentions i think it's important for you to ask for patience. you shouldn't HAVE to, it's unfair that you have to do that emotional labor, but i wonder if she is trying to help and has no idea how. like saying "you don't have to keep feeling bad."

i've noticed people who have a hard time handling the emotions of others often want things to "go back to normal" as soon as possible. i once knew a woman who tried to start conversations with a bright, happy tone...in the middle of the friend group mourning a loss. when i asked her why, she said she thought people needed cheering up. some people really don't know how to read a room and leave others to their grief. it came from a weirdly positive intent, it just wasn't appropriate at all. it comes off as finding other peoples' negative emotions inconvenient and that is very hurtful.

7 days is nothing compared to how long it may actually take you to heal and i hope you are able to take as much time as you need. appreciate your mom, your relationship with her, openly and grieve your loss the way you deserve - whether it's around your partner or without.

red_philosopher · 2022-08-21T11:58:46+00:00

This is going to be difficult to hear, but. . . you need to hear it.

First, it's hard losing a parent, especially one to which you were close. You're right that grieving is going to take some time, and honestly, you'll grieve as you will and it will take as much time as it takes. However, that doesn't mean you should grieve in front of her.

I've long said that women are almost never interested in an emotionally vulnerable man. They are, however, very much interested in an emotionally intelligent man. Which means understanding and processing your grief in an appropriate and skillful manner. Children are emotionally vulnerable, and she instinctively is not interested in having a relationship with a "child." She wants a man.

Now, you two aren't married, and you've had a pretty hard week the last week, and it may even breed a little resentment, but honestly, what do you stand to gain from using her as your emotional dumpster? Nothing. She doesn't either, though she'll expect that too at some point. You should have close friends, even coworkers, maybe even a stranger on the street or a kind person on the internet. Could be a journal you share it with, a pen pal, or maybe some other avenue of processing.

You're worth it, and in time when the shock and pain of the last week lessens, maybe you'll see that your partner is or is not. For now, just focus on making yourself whole again. That's what you need most.

Ziigii · 2022-08-21T17:48:57+00:00

It's ok if she can't handle your grief. But from what you wrote it seems to me like she doesn't want to handle your grief. Quite selfish.

Ferbuggity · 2022-08-22T12:12:59+00:00

Jeebus... a week isn't very long to grieve the death of a beloved parent.... wtf is wrong with your missus.

I will agree that women tend to be discomfited by men crying, but it can be for different reasons. Some women know how very hard it is for men to cry, and empathy makes male emotional distress particularly painful for them. Others are just self absorbed bishes and think it's weakness of some kind.

RStonePT · 2022-08-22T12:42:32+00:00

You can show it, I've done it when my father died. What you can't do (at least not without concequence) is expect your girlfriend/wife to be your soft landing spot. She's not qualified for the job, doesn't want it, and frankly isn't any good at it.

This is what your friends are for. At very least, your dog.

Don't get too mad at her, she can't be what you want her to be, she can only be what she is

Glad-Discount-4761 · 2022-08-21T12:15:20+00:00

You are right.I don't know why I feel awkward when man cry infront of me unless he is my dad or brother

Kwen_Oellogg · 2022-08-21T15:37:02+00:00

When a man cries in front of a women, the only thing getting wet is his face.

-Soggy-Potato- · 2022-08-21T17:03:01+00:00

Totally agree that there is a wider societal taboo around men showing their emotional side (toxic masculinity), but in this instance I think there’s a better approach than the one you’re taking

From the sounds of it this is someone trying to help you through the stages of grief, where one of those stages is acceptance / moving on

Issue is, not everyone is going to be effective at communicating that message or optimally sympathising with it because they can’t read minds / haven’t experienced it themselves and may not know what to say to properly comfort you.

But importantly, you yourself may be struggling to effectively express your emotions in a way which your partner can address. In a lot of cases it’s guys offloading onto their partners, treating them like therapists rather than as a partner, putting pressure on them to guide you emotionally when it’s your responsibility. This may be difficult because of the social climate around men healthily regulating / working through their emotions and grief, but that doesn’t mean it’s not your responsibility. Other people can be there to help but they aren’t here to sort it out for you. Emotional vulnerability is a start, but emotional intelligence is the necessary part many people are missing in the sense of effectively processing and expressing their emotions. Perhaps linking to the communication issues you’re hinting at with your partner

I feel the best course of action would rather be to have a serious chat about it with her, communicate how you’re feeling and explain to her how or why some of her comments are not helpful or correctly presented. Tell her that it upsets you, that you need more time, maybe even some space for a period of time, just whatever works best for you.

And yes, after that if the issue still persists it’s something that hints to a wider problem on the relationship, but as it stands it’s looking more like you’re going through a horrible experience and an emotional time, and your partner doesn’t entirely know how to best handle / help you in those situation, perhaps due to things like how they may not have consoled a grieving person they’re close to before

Title	somehow, a man can never show vulnerability, grief or weakness for to long, in a relationship
Author	Whateverhappens00
Upvotes	79
Comments	60
Date	August 21, 2022 7:40 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/wttrlp/somehow_a_man_can_never_show_vulnerability_grief/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/somehow-a-man-can-never-show-vulnerability-grief.1128623 https://theredarchive.com/post/1128623

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