This feels terrible

my_name_is_gato · 2015-10-10T07:52:15+00:00

Did you express that you were no longer consenting to sex? I am sorry you feel bad about what happened, but raising a rape allegation doesn't seem appropriate on these facts at all. Unless you stated that you wished to stop having sex and she forced you to continue, this wasn't rape.

skepticalbipartisan · 2015-10-10T14:03:03+00:00

Inconsiderate.

Deplorable.

Selfish.

Unforgivable.

Inappropriate.

Despicable.

Unacceptable.

Inhumane.

Detestable.

Unfair.

There are a lot of words to describe her actions, we don't need to jump to rape accusations to show our disdain for her actions.

I hope the two of you can work through this. Your focus should be on the communication breakdown that has occurred in your relationship. Boundaries have been broken and they need to be amended.

AliRadicali · 2015-10-10T08:24:54+00:00

If the genders were reversed, this'd be considered rape, no doubt about it. The only thing preventing that assessment now is your own male ego telling you you were supposed to be in control all the time.

Ransom_Stoddard · 2015-10-10T17:36:55+00:00

You weren't raped. What happened was that a shitty person took advantage of you for her own gratification without any consideration for your physical or mental well-being, desires, opinion, nor boundaries... and you agreed to it by submitting. Take responsibility. Regret is not rape. Convincing a person to change their mind is not rape. You consented.

iainmf · 2015-10-10T08:10:37+00:00

Right now you need to look after yourself. Your GF can sort her own shit out.

Be careful about who you reach out to for support. Not everyone will understand.

It's probably going to be tough for a while, but this is not insurmountable.

I wish I could do more to help.

Black_caped_man · 2015-10-10T15:03:10+00:00

But finally I submit.

This is why it's not rape IMO. Was it really shitty, disrespectful, selfish, mean, etc on her part? Most definitely. Do you have every right to feel used, disrespected, mistreated, etc ? Absolutely.

I would suggest you take some time for yourself and stay away from her for a while. I also suggest you tell her why, that you felt disrespected, used, mistreated, and you need to work that out yourself for a while. Tell her that her crying is not helping you, it's not making you feel better only worse, and if she's really sorry she'll reconsider how she treats you.

You need to work on you and not think about her, you need to be able to set your boundaries when you have them and be able to stand by them. And if she doesn't listen you need to be able to tell her without sugarcoating it exactly how shitty she's being. You need to be able to make her take responsibility for her actions as well as you take responsibility for your actions.

Is her disregarding you during sex a common occurrence or was this a one off? Either way, when you have found some stability in yourself you guys need to discuss boundaries and how to solve future issues like this one.

If you feel up to it you could ask her how she would feel if you nagged her for sex and basically forced yourself on her when she didn't want to and just disregarded her during the entire time. Then leave her to think about that for a while.

wazzup987 · 2015-10-10T11:06:37+00:00

This was rape, this used coercion. listen its one thing to persuade some to fuck you but after 5 times being told no not tonight? no thats coercive.

i know the definition of consent and rape get garbled on both sides. i don't have full context, so i don't know what types of tactics she used. but the simple fact is that undue pressuring and coercion is rape. where that line is a whole other discussion.

based on what said assuming full honesty with the limited details and with out full context, this is about 75% chance of meeting the legal definition of rape.

i can't tell you how to proceed. if this is repeated behavior i would leave, i would recommend you go to rape crisis center. explain the situtation hope for the best. if that fall through talk to a shrink. i'm a guy on the internet, i don't you or your gf. best of luck

nuesuh · 2015-10-10T12:49:21+00:00

Not sure what to say honestly.. You do sound very emasculated.

You're not sober. Maybe try hugging it out, sleeping and seeing how you feel tomorrow?

Sorry if my response is shit, but this semi-regret/semi-rape thing is just weird to get into. Never been in a similar "not sure if i want it" spot.

Wargame4life · 2015-10-10T10:55:57+00:00

you weren't raped in my eyes since you consented.

personally if it were me, i would say "im too knackered knock it off" if she didnt i would say "fuck off" and if she continued i would chuck her out.

if you allow her feelings to manipulate you like in your example she will be walking over you forever.

your rights are just as valid as hers, your vito is just as valid.

stand up for yourself, and dont take crap from people trying to manipulate you (if they are)

192873982 · 2015-10-10T10:57:53+00:00

It's not an easy case.

It's understandable that you feel used, but you shouldn't feel raped. You did tell her you don't feel like it, but in the end you allowed her to do it after she bugged you enough. She didn't care about you that much in that moment, for whatever reason. She was drunk and horny. You could have made her stop at any time if you wanted, but didn't want to, because you felt like denying her something you should not deny her, which may be a result of society telling us that "men always should be up for sex".

She apologized and it's possible that it was an earnest apology, but it does not change the fact that she used you.

You should therefore not think about rape, but about your relationship with her.

Do you want to stay with her even after she ignored your unease for her own pleasure, or break up?

Are there other consequences this action can have?

The last thing, the woman crying, is a strange thing that goes far deeper than you may think. Men are conditioned to react to womens crying not only by sound, but also by the smell and view of it. Whenever a woman cries, a man wants to protect her, even if she did the ugliest things to the man. It's a terrifying weapon. But on the other hand, women sometimes can't control when they cry. They just start crying when they feel bad, and in your situation, she felt bad. Now the question is whether she felt bad because of your accusation, or because she realized how disgusting her behaviour was.

Demonspawn · 2015-10-10T14:55:26+00:00

You consented, so no you weren't raped.
I have an entirely different thought processes on "I'm not into it but my partner is": If I want the right of a partner who doesn't stray, I have the responsibility of having sex with that partner when they're in the mood if I'm physically capable of it (this works both ways).

I've had sex with my partner plenty of times when I wasn't really in the mood but she was. She's done the same for me. As long as you're capable of having sex, go for it. What's the loss besides 15-30 minutes of your time? In return for a happier partner sounds like a good cost/gain trade-off.

So, no. You weren't raped, but you were used. Is that really a big deal in a committed relationship?

throwaway49274927 · 2015-10-10T19:40:55+00:00

Man, I get what you're saying but when did so many men become such a bitch? I think a lot of us have been in a position with a long term SO where we reluctantly had sex. Is it really rape when that happens? IMO, fuck no. Christ, you've probably had sex with your SO hundreds of times, and the one time you're not in the mood it's suddenly a huge issue. Grow a pair of balls and tell her to fuck off next time if you don't want to have sex. It's that easy.

GoHoMoThrow · 2015-10-10T12:55:16+00:00

Break up with her. She is a rapist.

TheRavenousRabbit · 2015-10-10T09:40:01+00:00

This wasn't rape, this was just two drunk people making a stupid mistake. Talk to her again, tell her that she made a mistake but so did you. I'm not even defending her actions here but you didn't communicate vocally so that she'd understand that you wanted something more emotionally connective.

Title	This feels terrible
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	15
Comments	80
Date	October 10, 2015 6:43 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/3o6zzk/this_feels_terrible/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/this-feels-terrible.969671 https://theredarchive.com/post/969671

Comments