What do you tell your daughters?

Sirroco · 2010-09-26T05:27:25+00:00

Wow... you're getting a lot of daughters instead. Went fishing for sunnies, and all your getting are bluegills. I'm afraid I'm one too(daughter, not bluegill.... Well, metaphorically, yes I guess I am a bluegill.) Anyway, I think my dad is the kind of dad you guys would like so here was his advice.

His big tip was that everyone EVERYONE is a sexual being. He and my mom are, nuns are, priests are, kids are, the people who pretend they're not, everyone is.

He left it at that, but I think the unspoken statement was "don't be embarrassed that you are" and also "Some people might want it from you, so heads up, because a few might do unseemly stuff to get it."

When I went to college my mom's fair well advice was "don't do anything you'll have to regret." And when I was in my first serious relationship "You two are a nice couple, don't make it three (meaning baby.)"

My parents were good examples themselves of how to treat your partner, and that's huge. Both of them respect each other, and don't take crap when the other lapses and doesn't.

x1049 · 2010-09-25T16:28:51+00:00

I'm not a Dad, but I am a daughter.

It's pretty often that I think about how lucky I was so have such sane parents. Sure they screwed up a few times and said things out of anger, but the core lessons that I took away from my years in their house under their guidance couldn't have been more beneficial to me and my outlook on sex/etc.

Here are a few lessons I took away from both my mom and dad that you could consider passing along to your daughter, and a few tips from my dad to you (by proxy.)

First of all:

Always ALWAYS be willing to listen to your daughter. There will be times when she is visibly upset, and 80% of those times may be about guys. Even if it makes you uncomfortable, even if it makes you embarrassed or upset, whatever she tells you in honesty and in confidence, don't shut her down. Accept what she's told you and give her advice to the best of your honest knowledge. You're the adult, you can bite it and deal with your embarrassment to benefit her. Some topics may be touchy, but at the end of the conversation she'll remember you listened.

Yes, you've been around the block. As an adult, you've learned your lessons about all different sorts of people and may be able to pick a bad seed from a mile away. DON'T expect her to be able to, and DON'T try to directly prevent her from exploring and making mistakes (save dangerous situations.) If you try to impose your will on her, she will a) spite you and b) try to directly disobey you (especially in her teenage years.) Strongly advise against, but let her make her own decisions. In the end when she sees you were right, the points add up and she'll eventually be more willing to take your advice.

Now, onto the actual advice. Tell her the truth. Yes, teenage boys are after "one thing." Hormones have their death choke-hold on everyone from 15-21. Every boy who walks through your front door asking to take your daughter to the movies may will be hoping for the same thing from your daughter time after time, and you can acknowledge this truth to her. But don't bad mouth them. Don't make her feel like their MUTUAL feelings are in any way shameful or disgusting. In fact, be as nonchalant about it as possible. Don't be scary and foreboding with warnings that if they don't use a condom TERRIBLE CONSEQUENCES MAY COME. Simply acknowledge that shit's gonna happen and that it's both her and his responsibility to wrap it up and be safe about the shit they'll inevitably do.

Tell her because boys are obviously not looking to get married at 14 but want to "date," be prepared NOT to marry them. If it happens, wonderful, but point out that statistically that doesn't happen, and to just expect to enjoy their time together. Tell her boys are going to come and go, and go for some of the dumbest and most unfair reasons imaginable. But everyone has to grow up, and they're simply growing up too. Tell her to forgive the boys that hurt her and be strong for herself because everyone goes through it and come out better, more interesting people for it.

Tell her that disrespect of any kind is absolutely not ok. Of course that includes physical violence, but tell her that it includes the more subtle verbal abuse, too. It can be scary to stick to your guns, but tell her that she's worth fighting for, worth having standards for, and that she's the only one who will fight for her (when you're not around.)

I hope this little bit of advice helps. I know I'm not a male and that's what you were originally asking for, but I think my advice was at least somewhat relevant.

tl;dr Tell you're daughter it's all about forgiveness and understanding, but it's also about taking the precautions to prevent major mistakes. You can't prevent mistakes, but you can prevent the big ones. Also, swallow your embarrassed adult pride and listen to anything / everything she's willing to tell you, and do it without judgement.

Good luck to you sir, you're a brave person and a good dad for worrying about your daughter. I hope this helped in some small way.

Scribblenerd · 2010-09-25T16:23:55+00:00

My dad told me that I either had to date someone who was just as smart as me, or was dumb enough to just say "gosh you're pretty" as I moved up in life.

acetv · 2010-09-27T09:51:06+00:00

It's very telling that there are no males (except me) making top-level comments here.

InfinitelyThirsting · 2010-09-27T16:13:15+00:00

I really am interested to see more of what actual fathers tell their actual daughters. Because x1049's advice is brilliant, and I completely agree--but what should be is different from what is.

For example, fathers who get really overprotective about their daughters, particularly their daughters' sexuality (and it is by and large the fathers who will react more strongly than the mothers, not that bad mothers don't exist in that respect) are a big part of the disgustingly unjust stat rape laws, and why teen girls in particular often make false rape claims. It even came up in the fake-arrest-cop's-daughter thread that's in here--one guy said he'd react the same way if it were his daughter, someone else commented that the father probably tried to get the girl to falsely cry rape, just to punish the guy more. And that's very detrimental to our young men.

everynne · 2010-10-03T06:04:28+00:00

My father never talked to me about dating or men at all. My mother didn't either. So I learned from a public school education, societal expectations and my own experiences. Hell I'm still learning and my entire view on what's acceptable is pretty confused. A highly conservative societal view is at odds with my own desires and how I see my peers behave. I've had some incredibly bad relationships and I've also fell head over heels. In the bad spots I've let men be disrespectful to myself and I've also been disrespectful to men. Definitely learning from my mistakes.

If you're a father, please talk to your daughter. I wish mine did. Its a little sad to not see more male responses to this.

workswithgeeks · 2010-09-25T17:06:31+00:00

Boys are the gas, Girls are the brakes

Title	What do you tell your daughters?
Author	Scribblenerd
Upvotes	3
Comments	31
Date	September 25, 2010 3:42 PM UTC (15 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/dirnp/what_do_you_tell_your_daughters/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/what-do-you-tell-your-daughters.1047291 https://theredarchive.com/post/1047291

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