On Gaslighting

fireflower413 · 2013-11-14T00:43:03+00:00

The problem that they had with it (okay I can't speak for them; I'm only in this sub, not that one) might not be that false accusations aren't worth treating seriously, but that you never gave any indication that those accusations WOULD be false. You say "false" here, but what you really originally said, and made it clear especially in your edit, is that you would react to ANY accusation of gaslighting with cutting off communication. Just being TOLD that you were abusing someone would cause you to label her as crazy, and you would take off without stopping to think of why she thought that or whether it was a rational thing to think given your actions.

It might be hard to see why running away from someone could be considered gaslighting, but it is if you think of it this way: gaslighting is doing things and then undervaluing her reaction to them, mentally or emotionally. You do what you please, and then when she tells you how she feels about it, you ignore it or downplay it and deny her her right to feel the way she feels about it. So in that case, running away because bitch be cray-cray is gaslighting, it's just a form of it that also gets you away from her. Considering that in the case that she felt gaslighted by you, being without you is probably to her benefit, I can't say that you wouldn't be doing her a favor in a way. But you'd be doing both you AND her a much better favor if you were to examine the way your actions affect the people you love, rationally evaluate whether your behavior has consistently downplayed her reactions to what you do in favor of your own, and if it has, then nip that in the bud to have a healthier and more respectful relationship dynamic.

So, if your SO has mentioned to you that she feels gaslighted, in order to avoid further gaslighting you should, BEFORE cutting off communication, determine whether or not she is right. Considering that your knee-jerk reaction to being told that you might be emotionally hurting someone is to run for the hills, she might very well BE right. You haven't considered her point of view at all, whether in your original post or your edit, and that's the biggest problem.

alphabetmod · 2013-11-14T00:22:44+00:00

http://np.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/1qitby/apparently_crazy_is_now_a_forbidden_word_to/cddnfne

Here's your revised comment. It's saying the same thing in gender neutral terms, yes? It may be relevant to the conversation here.

lokidemon731 · 2013-11-14T01:04:38+00:00

Your revised post is much, much better. The first post suggested that women only ever make up gaslighting, that it never actually happens to them. Ironically, that could be gaslighting. And calling gaslighting a "dangerous concept" implies that it isn't real. It's fine to leave if you believe you were falsely accused of abuse. But it's important not to dismiss every claim of gaslighting as "oh, you just remembered differently, it's not that the abuser is purposefully telling you your memories are wrong".

I would like to add one last thing about your new comment:

Indeed, as a gaslighter would be a sociopathic manipulator

Just so your aware, they're not always sociopaths. Small point, but people who have an extreme perception of abuse often don't recognize abuse if it's done by a person who doesn't fit their image of an abuser.

alphabetmod · 2013-11-14T19:14:05+00:00

I just have to say, I find it just a little bit funny that TBP got linked by raisedbynarcissists because of their thread. How deep will it go?

[deleted] · 2013-11-17T08:33:00+00:00

[permanently deleted]

alphabetmod · 2013-11-14T00:23:48+00:00

I don't think it's abusive to cut off contact necessarily (for instance, in the case of a genuinely abusive relationship), but I don't think that it's the right course of action in this case. Red Pill/Blue Pill aside, no one has actually abused anyone else in this situation. If she is making false accusations, she might just be emotional/speaking in the heat of the moment, and the best thing to do (in my personal opinion) is to wait for everyone to calm down and then have a good conversation about what is really happening.

myfriendscantknow · 2013-11-14T12:06:40+00:00

I think TRP is seriously underestimating the prevalence of gaslighting by people with narcissistic personality tendencies, and how common those people are.

redwhiskeredbubul · 2013-11-14T03:37:14+00:00

(groans, starts at beginning)

Do you understand why the idea of a false accusation of gaslighting is inherently very implausible?

Whisper · 2013-11-14T21:52:11+00:00

I'm not entirely sure they think these accusations are ever false.

I'm pretty sure that if they ever do think they're false, they don't really care.

Title	On Gaslighting
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	9
Comments	28
Date	November 13, 2013 11:43 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1qkov1/on_gaslighting/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/on-gaslighting.286620 https://theredarchive.com/post/286620

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